I'd thought that I was, in fact, doing things of value and solidity over the past few years. I suppose they're too small, not of very much effect, especially for someone who blathers on about systems all the time. I guess I thought it was enough to do what I was doing in my little sphere, but continue to speak about the systems I think need changing, and hope that message would reach folks who have a sphere of influence that includes those things that I don't. But it seems that unless I place myself to be in control of those things, unless I set a path to reach that pinnacle and make it there, then my thoughts on such matters are of no account.
I suppose I wanted to be a modern philosopher, in a way, setting out a worldview that would stir others to action. And yes, practicing that worldview in my own life, so it's not just my words but also my actions that inspire. I wanted to be a thinker, a questioner, a person who critiques, but also proposes alternative ways of thinking and doing for me and for others to test out.
In the conversation that has me so subdued, we also got to talking about Barack Obama and how similar charges - what has he done, really? - were being leveled. And I was reminded of that jab about his community organizing experience as too little to qualify as really having done much. I guess I wonder what the question should be about; is it about the scale and scope of your results, or about the level and quality of leadership you took within whatever scope you were acting? Yes, yes, the balanced answer is probably "both," but somehow it seems that scope counts more. It counts way more if you do the bigger, showier thing; impact in numbers is better than impact in depth, if you have to choose.
I don't know that I have a point here ... just processing again, on a morning when I'm struggling with the question of my value. Is there still any value in my questions and comments? I don't know today.
2 comments:
You know, I think you should limit your conversations with this person. You have a right not to stay put and listen to people who make you feel small, especially when it is obvious to anyone reading this blog that you have big ideas and are working to make a difference in the world. Hmph. =)
I don't think he meant to be unkind; I think he was trying to give me some "tough love" encouragement to take the leadership opportunities he feels I have before me. I think the difficulty is that he and I have somewhat different perspectives on what success and valuable work would mean for me - and he's also not necessarily a sensitive, empathetic person, so his way of trying to motivate someone may be more blunt force than touchy-feely. And perhaps we all - certainly me - need blunt force every once in a while, but I think it comes better in the context of a relationship where you've established a bond of more trust and caring.
What's interesting is that this person is kind of my would-be mentor: everyone recommends him as a mentor to me because of who he is and the things he's done, and I do have a good deal of respect for a lot of what he says and does. But although I've wanted to establish an active mentoring relationship with him, it's very difficult for me to feel like I can open up to him about the things that I'd like to do or how I am responding to the professional situations I am in; this exchange probably makes it clear why. I'm not saying he isn't a good resource and connection, and that he wouldn't be a good mentor for someone ... I just am not sure he and I are the right fit, no matter how good we look together on paper.
I think he's been frustrated by the fact that I don't talk with him more and take more advantage of what I could learn from him, and I think he honestly does want to help and support me and that he feels I have a lot of potential to do great things. I can't decide if it would be worth trying to talk to him about the way I'm receiving his interactions, to see if we can find a better way to communicate with one another.
Thank you for your encouragement, though ... it really did help to know that someone appreciated me!! :)
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