Alright, I'm coming out of the closet. He's no longer my secret favorite candidate, he's now my totally favorite candidate no longer in the race to be President, and you can find out why here. Maybe Huckabee wouldn't have responded with the same level of awareness if he were still campaigning, but I appreciate the statement all the same.
I wasn't in Wright's congregation and I'm having a tough time finding the whole text of any of his controversial sermons, so I can't pass any very accurate judgment on how right or wrong or appropriate or inappropriate his statements were in context. The words are certainly inflammatory, but I think much of what he said may also be justified. I do find it so interesting how little we as a nation want to discuss exactly why it is that he would have said such things - much like no one wanted to acknowledge why Michelle Obama would also say that she was proud of America for the first time in her life earlier this year. I am not proud of the way that the Obama campaign backpedaled on both issues; I understand that they probably felt it was a political necessity when trying to succeed in a national campaign in a majority white country, but there's a part of me that just wished they would spend more time explaining the rationale for those statements, rather than trying to argue that they were misstated, misinterpreted, or respectfully repudiated.
Two other articles on the topic have been pretty interesting to me: this one from CNN, and this one my mom forwarded to me. Discuss.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
God listens
So, a lot of time I write on this blog about how I feel like the Lord is far away from me and doesn't hear me. But tonight I discovered a piece of paper while cleaning my room that reminded me of how clearly He often responds in my life.
Three years ago, I was looking to move from my job in an architecture firm, hoping to change my work environment and make a shift to a role that I felt was better suited to my interests. I guess at some point in January 2005, I decided to make a list for myself to help figure out what kind of job I would want and what would work best with my assets and liabilities. Here's the list I made:
I ended up doing more that just getting hired; I was a part of the committee that fleshed out the mission, goals and structure of the organization, and I got to write my own job description. My then-employer - who was fabulously supportive of the idea of this organization and my role in it - made it possible for me to devote significant amounts of my time on his dime to getting this organization off the ground, and to supporting me through his firm during my first year of work as its executive director. I have always recognized that day as a crucial turning point for my career and my understanding of what I wanted to do ... but I never realized it was so direct an answer to prayer. That description of my "ideal" job? That's almost exactly a description of my real job, right now.
I know I'm still going to wrestle with questions of where my life is going and where I'm supposed to be right now. Maybe one day I'll find that place in my faith where I can have perfect peace and contentment and a clear knowledge of what God has for me in that instant without worrying over the past or the future; I know for sure I'm not there yet. But in the meantime, I think I can have a little more faith: God listens to me, and He responds.
Three years ago, I was looking to move from my job in an architecture firm, hoping to change my work environment and make a shift to a role that I felt was better suited to my interests. I guess at some point in January 2005, I decided to make a list for myself to help figure out what kind of job I would want and what would work best with my assets and liabilities. Here's the list I made:
My Skills:Nine days after the date of this list, I attended my first meeting of those who were planning for what would eventually become my organization. (It was also my best friend's birthday, which makes it easy to remember.) And at the end of that very first meeting, I told the organizers, "When you all are hiring for staff in this organization, I want you to hire me."My Challenges:
- Writing
- Speaking
- Teaching
- Dancing
- Organization
- Administration
- CAD [Computer-Aided Design]
- Graphic Design
- Productivity Software
- Quick Learning
- Affirmation
- Listening
- Mediating
- Visioning
- Logic
- Empathy
My Ideal Job ...
- Timeliness
- Follow-through
- Procrastination
- Laziness/lack of initiative
- Argumentative
- Critical
- Bossiness
- Defensive
- Negativity
- Stubbornness
- has some authority as well as responsibility
- I get to talk, write and think about ideas and issues
- I get to meet and talk with people, make contacts
- has a flexible schedule and allows work from home
- might include travel
- has good benefits - full medical, vision, dental
- has good time off - at least 2 weeks vacation, 2 weeks sick
- pays enough for a balanced budget with a little surplus
- includes graphic design
- includes verbal presentation
- involves less than 30 minutes of easy commute
I ended up doing more that just getting hired; I was a part of the committee that fleshed out the mission, goals and structure of the organization, and I got to write my own job description. My then-employer - who was fabulously supportive of the idea of this organization and my role in it - made it possible for me to devote significant amounts of my time on his dime to getting this organization off the ground, and to supporting me through his firm during my first year of work as its executive director. I have always recognized that day as a crucial turning point for my career and my understanding of what I wanted to do ... but I never realized it was so direct an answer to prayer. That description of my "ideal" job? That's almost exactly a description of my real job, right now.
I know I'm still going to wrestle with questions of where my life is going and where I'm supposed to be right now. Maybe one day I'll find that place in my faith where I can have perfect peace and contentment and a clear knowledge of what God has for me in that instant without worrying over the past or the future; I know for sure I'm not there yet. But in the meantime, I think I can have a little more faith: God listens to me, and He responds.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
My breasts
Ha-ha! None of you saw that one coming.
So here's the thing: I really like my breasts. This hasn't always been especially true; for most of my life, they were just there, doing their business unremarkably. But one of the few advantages of gaining weight over the past couple of years is that the ladies have become increasingly lovely, gaining a certain plump roundness that greatly adds to their aesthetic value. I find them totally delightful and beautiful, and find myself dressing so that not only can I enjoy them, but so that they can be shared with others.
It's not so much about the sexual side of them, although I'm certainly aware of their power in that regard. I love bodies - their shapes and topography, their colors and textures, it's all so varied and fascinating. (I also love hair for much the same reason.) It's a whole world of exploration when you get to really study someone's skin, or follow their lines and curves; it's sensual, in the very pure meaning of gratifying the senses you use to study a body. Since my body is the one I have most access to, it's the one from which I gain the most gratification; but the everyday study of the bodies around me is equally compelling, and the intimate study is quite a delight.
Of course, the trouble comes in the not-so-nice definition of sensual, the sense of lewdness or unchastity in that gratification. I can't just share my breasts or any of the rest of my body very freely with the world around me, because in our culture there's always that association of nakedness and bodies with lust and fornication. Again, I totally get it; not all of my gratification is as pure of motive as described above. But some of it really is, and I wonder if I lived in a place where nakedness wasn't automatically given that negative association, would I respond to it as much with that kind of unchaste thought.
I'm a pretty big fan of naked. I love clothes, too, as my closet and drawers will attest, but for
decoration, not decorum. If I had my druthers, I'd be more clothing-optional at home; I'm prone to wander around comfortably in states of partial dress, and my former roommate can attest to my naked cleaning and exercising. For a while, I was tempted to hang a little sign on my porch door warning visitors to enter at their own risk, accompanied by this famous depiction of naked fun. If I ever get an apartment to myself a while, I'm totally doing it.
Part of this freedom probably comes from spending much of my teenagehood in an all-female environment; when my parents separated it was just my mom and us four girls, and when you had to dash out of the bathroom for something you forgot ... well, we all had the same parts, so who really cared? I've certainly seen that freeness replicated in women's locker rooms, for much the same reason. (Don't get all excited, male readers; nothing exciting happens.)
But would it work in a co-ed environment? I've never experienced a nudist colony or even a nudist beach, so I don't know how it works and how people behave. I wonder if you have to be in that kind of setting, or if you can create that same sense of body freedom without automatic sexual overtones in a home in the regular, non-nudie world. I'd love to be able to raise my kids not to be so uptight and freaked out about bodies, and to learn to appreciate the beauty in what they've got and in what other people may have. Not that we have to wander around without clothes all the time; I just sometimes think we make naked a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
Of course, I'd have to find a spouse who was willing to go with my hippie-commune-at-home vibe ... given that I'm already partner-challenged, I'd better not add in any more obstacles. :-)
So here's the thing: I really like my breasts. This hasn't always been especially true; for most of my life, they were just there, doing their business unremarkably. But one of the few advantages of gaining weight over the past couple of years is that the ladies have become increasingly lovely, gaining a certain plump roundness that greatly adds to their aesthetic value. I find them totally delightful and beautiful, and find myself dressing so that not only can I enjoy them, but so that they can be shared with others.
It's not so much about the sexual side of them, although I'm certainly aware of their power in that regard. I love bodies - their shapes and topography, their colors and textures, it's all so varied and fascinating. (I also love hair for much the same reason.) It's a whole world of exploration when you get to really study someone's skin, or follow their lines and curves; it's sensual, in the very pure meaning of gratifying the senses you use to study a body. Since my body is the one I have most access to, it's the one from which I gain the most gratification; but the everyday study of the bodies around me is equally compelling, and the intimate study is quite a delight.
Of course, the trouble comes in the not-so-nice definition of sensual, the sense of lewdness or unchastity in that gratification. I can't just share my breasts or any of the rest of my body very freely with the world around me, because in our culture there's always that association of nakedness and bodies with lust and fornication. Again, I totally get it; not all of my gratification is as pure of motive as described above. But some of it really is, and I wonder if I lived in a place where nakedness wasn't automatically given that negative association, would I respond to it as much with that kind of unchaste thought.
I'm a pretty big fan of naked. I love clothes, too, as my closet and drawers will attest, but for
decoration, not decorum. If I had my druthers, I'd be more clothing-optional at home; I'm prone to wander around comfortably in states of partial dress, and my former roommate can attest to my naked cleaning and exercising. For a while, I was tempted to hang a little sign on my porch door warning visitors to enter at their own risk, accompanied by this famous depiction of naked fun. If I ever get an apartment to myself a while, I'm totally doing it.Part of this freedom probably comes from spending much of my teenagehood in an all-female environment; when my parents separated it was just my mom and us four girls, and when you had to dash out of the bathroom for something you forgot ... well, we all had the same parts, so who really cared? I've certainly seen that freeness replicated in women's locker rooms, for much the same reason. (Don't get all excited, male readers; nothing exciting happens.)
But would it work in a co-ed environment? I've never experienced a nudist colony or even a nudist beach, so I don't know how it works and how people behave. I wonder if you have to be in that kind of setting, or if you can create that same sense of body freedom without automatic sexual overtones in a home in the regular, non-nudie world. I'd love to be able to raise my kids not to be so uptight and freaked out about bodies, and to learn to appreciate the beauty in what they've got and in what other people may have. Not that we have to wander around without clothes all the time; I just sometimes think we make naked a much bigger deal than it needs to be.
Of course, I'd have to find a spouse who was willing to go with my hippie-commune-at-home vibe ... given that I'm already partner-challenged, I'd better not add in any more obstacles. :-)
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Holy Obligations
A blessed Resurrection Sunday to all!
This past week, however, was a little different. My adjustment to my new roommate has been difficult, much more so than I expected; contributing factors include some differing living habits and expectations, but also the fact that our schedules are so mutually exclusive during the week that one of us is almost never in the house at the same time that the other one is awake. (It's amazing how a shift of just a few hours can do that.) So I've been feeling like I have this stranger in my home; and so every time she'd do something that would irritate me, it was even more frustrating because we didn't have enough of a personal relationship to smooth things over a bit.
Anyway, this past week we had a little argument (via email) about the handling of the dishes in the kitchen. (As an aside, from now on dish-handling will be one of the two initial questions I ask people in any roommate interview.) It wasn't an especially pleasant exchange, particularly on my part, because I'm sharp-tongued and -penned when I'm annoyed. This exchange happened on Wednesday, and in one of her emails, my roommate had asked that we sit down and talk that night. I didn't get that email until I was already out at dinner on Wednesday night.
The next day, I was still irritated, and had another busy evening schedule; Maundy Thursday communion service was that night. But during the day, I kept thinking about our exchange, and the Lord brought to mind the passage from Matthew above. And I started feeling like I couldn't rightly go to communion service when I had this kind of bitterness in my heart and unrest in my relationship with my roommate. So - very grudgingly! - I made arrangements to pop home between work and service to talk it out with her, and I spent much of the ride home fuming about what I'd say.
My roommate and I are a lot alike in many ways; both of us are non-confrontational by nature, and the idea of a "talk" is incredibly stressful emotionally. As it turned out, this talk was not nearly as bad as it could have been ... but that's not due to me at all. My roommate is a very patient, peace-making person, and she responded with calmness when I was expressing my irritation. She's also, although shy like me, much more direct in her communications; when something is bothering her, she will say so, where as I typically stew over something for at least a day. I can see that this is going to be another roommate experience where I learn an awful lot about how to properly live with another person, things that I really need to know (especially if I ever plan to marry anyone one of these days). This time, I think it will be about communication, learning to express what's bothering me in a timely, calm and not passive-aggressive manner; and about learning to control my flash temper, which makes me think terrible, mean things about people whenever I get irritated, even over little stuff that really isn't important at all in the grand scheme of things.
This whole experience got me thinking about what our "holy obligations" really are. During Holy Week, I usually think about them as my obligations to go to service and observe the rituals of remembrance and celebration. Those things are a part of my honoring the Lord; but I tend to forget about the holy obligations that are part of my regular life at home and at work, and I don't think of those things as part of my worship and service. I don't think about taking care of my home and spending time with my roommate as a holy and joyful duty; it's a chore, and one that "gets in the way" of other things I "have" to do. I don't think of having a cheerful and positive attitude at work as one of my worship obligations; and so I continue to go around my tasks with a sense of downtroddenness that spreads out to those around me. I don't think about the need to make open space and time in my life as part of serving God and being available to Him for whatever He needs of me; I'm so busy "serving" him in a whirlwind of activity that ends up with me leaving many things poorly done or undone, because I can't devote my time and attention to them in the way that they deserve.
Today is my spiritual birthday; I've been a Christian for 20 years, since Easter in 1988. I was wondering why, after 20 years, I don't seem to have myself more together than I do right now. (Then I remembered how much of an idiot I was when I was 20, and I felt somewhat consoled. :-) ) This has been a tough last year: my faith has gotten beaten up a bit, and I've lost and then found and then kind of lost again a close relationship with the Lord. I miss January, when I was reading and praying and thinking on His Word regularly; I'm astounded at how quickly - like, February 2nd - all that discipline was right out the window. And this last episode with my roommate made me think about how much I fool myself, thinking that I'm a nice and generous and friendly person when inside I am a mean, spiteful person. I'm feeling a little rough right now ... it's not a happy birthday.
* Author's note: Seeing as it's Resurrection Sunday, I was going to try and end this post on something that wasn't such a downer. But I'm feeling kind of weepy and I can't quite find the happy moral in it all yet, so I think I'll be honest and just leave it where I am.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.So, in my church when it's time for Communion, the pastor always gives people a moment to greet each other and for folks to take time to go address an issues they may have with someone present in the congregation at that time. Normally, I just give people the peace of Christ and then sit down; I only know a handful of people in my church well enough to have a beef with them, and any of those people are usually sitting next to me and we've probably worked it out by then. In short, I rarely pay much attention to that little instruction as far as its applicability to my own life.-- Matthew 5:23-24
This past week, however, was a little different. My adjustment to my new roommate has been difficult, much more so than I expected; contributing factors include some differing living habits and expectations, but also the fact that our schedules are so mutually exclusive during the week that one of us is almost never in the house at the same time that the other one is awake. (It's amazing how a shift of just a few hours can do that.) So I've been feeling like I have this stranger in my home; and so every time she'd do something that would irritate me, it was even more frustrating because we didn't have enough of a personal relationship to smooth things over a bit.
Anyway, this past week we had a little argument (via email) about the handling of the dishes in the kitchen. (As an aside, from now on dish-handling will be one of the two initial questions I ask people in any roommate interview.) It wasn't an especially pleasant exchange, particularly on my part, because I'm sharp-tongued and -penned when I'm annoyed. This exchange happened on Wednesday, and in one of her emails, my roommate had asked that we sit down and talk that night. I didn't get that email until I was already out at dinner on Wednesday night.
The next day, I was still irritated, and had another busy evening schedule; Maundy Thursday communion service was that night. But during the day, I kept thinking about our exchange, and the Lord brought to mind the passage from Matthew above. And I started feeling like I couldn't rightly go to communion service when I had this kind of bitterness in my heart and unrest in my relationship with my roommate. So - very grudgingly! - I made arrangements to pop home between work and service to talk it out with her, and I spent much of the ride home fuming about what I'd say.
My roommate and I are a lot alike in many ways; both of us are non-confrontational by nature, and the idea of a "talk" is incredibly stressful emotionally. As it turned out, this talk was not nearly as bad as it could have been ... but that's not due to me at all. My roommate is a very patient, peace-making person, and she responded with calmness when I was expressing my irritation. She's also, although shy like me, much more direct in her communications; when something is bothering her, she will say so, where as I typically stew over something for at least a day. I can see that this is going to be another roommate experience where I learn an awful lot about how to properly live with another person, things that I really need to know (especially if I ever plan to marry anyone one of these days). This time, I think it will be about communication, learning to express what's bothering me in a timely, calm and not passive-aggressive manner; and about learning to control my flash temper, which makes me think terrible, mean things about people whenever I get irritated, even over little stuff that really isn't important at all in the grand scheme of things.
This whole experience got me thinking about what our "holy obligations" really are. During Holy Week, I usually think about them as my obligations to go to service and observe the rituals of remembrance and celebration. Those things are a part of my honoring the Lord; but I tend to forget about the holy obligations that are part of my regular life at home and at work, and I don't think of those things as part of my worship and service. I don't think about taking care of my home and spending time with my roommate as a holy and joyful duty; it's a chore, and one that "gets in the way" of other things I "have" to do. I don't think of having a cheerful and positive attitude at work as one of my worship obligations; and so I continue to go around my tasks with a sense of downtroddenness that spreads out to those around me. I don't think about the need to make open space and time in my life as part of serving God and being available to Him for whatever He needs of me; I'm so busy "serving" him in a whirlwind of activity that ends up with me leaving many things poorly done or undone, because I can't devote my time and attention to them in the way that they deserve.
Today is my spiritual birthday; I've been a Christian for 20 years, since Easter in 1988. I was wondering why, after 20 years, I don't seem to have myself more together than I do right now. (Then I remembered how much of an idiot I was when I was 20, and I felt somewhat consoled. :-) ) This has been a tough last year: my faith has gotten beaten up a bit, and I've lost and then found and then kind of lost again a close relationship with the Lord. I miss January, when I was reading and praying and thinking on His Word regularly; I'm astounded at how quickly - like, February 2nd - all that discipline was right out the window. And this last episode with my roommate made me think about how much I fool myself, thinking that I'm a nice and generous and friendly person when inside I am a mean, spiteful person. I'm feeling a little rough right now ... it's not a happy birthday.
* Author's note: Seeing as it's Resurrection Sunday, I was going to try and end this post on something that wasn't such a downer. But I'm feeling kind of weepy and I can't quite find the happy moral in it all yet, so I think I'll be honest and just leave it where I am.
Disposable
So, my alarm clock is on the fritz, and has been for the past few (several?) months. It has started doing this thing where, when you switch the alarm on, it frequently will reset the time and the alarm to 12 midnight. At first it was an occasional blip, but now it's a daily occurrence, and I'm getting pretty annoyed.
At the same time, I'm loathe to throw it out, because when I'm not setting the alarm, it's a perfectly functional clock, and resetting the alarm and clock after it's gone haywire it easy, if irritating. I feel like I don't want to get rid of it until it's truly not working at all ... and then I realize that it a good 15-20 years old, which is a dem fine lifetime for a modern piece of digital equipment.
Which all got me to thinking about how much - and how quickly - we throw things away in this age, especially electronics. It seems like most things are designed with a lifetime of about 2-3 years, and then you're expected to purchase a new one, either because it's not working or the technology is obsolete and there's much better stuff out there. Phone, cameras, organizers, computers, home entertainment equipment: all the things we tend to chuck well before they've actually reached the end of their usable lifecycle. Where does it all go? Here and here.
Articles like that make me even more wary of throwing away my electronic trash. Beyond just an anti-waste philosophy, I feel like there are only a very limited number of ways to avoid actively contributing to the environmental degradation of other countries and the growing global environmental justice disaster that doesn't need my help to continue its forward progress. I may have recommended this before, but everyone should read Jared Diamond's Collapse; he provides some amazing examples of the society-ending crisis we are about to bring on ourselves, looking at both history and current events.
I tend to be a long keeper of electronics, from my clock to my old and tiny 13" TV to my 6-year-old computer that many people would consider too outdated for any kind of usefulness. It does work, though; it's slow, but fully functional, and still plays The Sims 2 whenever my heart desires. Since I got my laptop, it's primary purpose is gaming and old file storage, both of which I suspect it can continue to do for some time. But that temptation to upgrade is always there; how much better would The Sims be if I had more disk space, faster memory, a better processor and video card? What else could I install if I really bought or made a full-fledged gaming computer? (Not that I even have time to be gaming!)
My real temptation is with my phone/PDA. Someone showed me this phone when I was skiing last month; it's the latest upgrade to my phone that I already love so much, and my desire to have it was instant and intense. Mind you, my current phone works fine (especially now that I got myself some memory management software), and I already agonized so much when I purchased it last year because it meant getting rid of my Motorola RAZR and my Sony Clie, both of which were still fully or highly functional (and neither of which I've yet figured out yet how to recycle/throw away). I wouldn't buy this because of the price point alone ... but if someone offered me this (or even an iPhone) for free or for, like, $100 bucks, I'd be hard pressed not to take or purchase it despite the fact that I don't need it. And then I'd have yet another thing to throw away.
Anyway, all this started out about my alarm clock, and I still don't know what I'll do with it. I actually want to get one of those ones where it wakes you up with a mini-sunrise, so this might be my opportunity for a justified upgrade with important health and happiness benefits (I do not deal well with waking up). Since those are a little expensive, I still have time to plan my purchase while my current clock continues its descent into a complete breakdown. I won't be sad; it's had a good life.
At the same time, I'm loathe to throw it out, because when I'm not setting the alarm, it's a perfectly functional clock, and resetting the alarm and clock after it's gone haywire it easy, if irritating. I feel like I don't want to get rid of it until it's truly not working at all ... and then I realize that it a good 15-20 years old, which is a dem fine lifetime for a modern piece of digital equipment.
Which all got me to thinking about how much - and how quickly - we throw things away in this age, especially electronics. It seems like most things are designed with a lifetime of about 2-3 years, and then you're expected to purchase a new one, either because it's not working or the technology is obsolete and there's much better stuff out there. Phone, cameras, organizers, computers, home entertainment equipment: all the things we tend to chuck well before they've actually reached the end of their usable lifecycle. Where does it all go? Here and here.
Articles like that make me even more wary of throwing away my electronic trash. Beyond just an anti-waste philosophy, I feel like there are only a very limited number of ways to avoid actively contributing to the environmental degradation of other countries and the growing global environmental justice disaster that doesn't need my help to continue its forward progress. I may have recommended this before, but everyone should read Jared Diamond's Collapse; he provides some amazing examples of the society-ending crisis we are about to bring on ourselves, looking at both history and current events.I tend to be a long keeper of electronics, from my clock to my old and tiny 13" TV to my 6-year-old computer that many people would consider too outdated for any kind of usefulness. It does work, though; it's slow, but fully functional, and still plays The Sims 2 whenever my heart desires. Since I got my laptop, it's primary purpose is gaming and old file storage, both of which I suspect it can continue to do for some time. But that temptation to upgrade is always there; how much better would The Sims be if I had more disk space, faster memory, a better processor and video card? What else could I install if I really bought or made a full-fledged gaming computer? (Not that I even have time to be gaming!)
My real temptation is with my phone/PDA. Someone showed me this phone when I was skiing last month; it's the latest upgrade to my phone that I already love so much, and my desire to have it was instant and intense. Mind you, my current phone works fine (especially now that I got myself some memory management software), and I already agonized so much when I purchased it last year because it meant getting rid of my Motorola RAZR and my Sony Clie, both of which were still fully or highly functional (and neither of which I've yet figured out yet how to recycle/throw away). I wouldn't buy this because of the price point alone ... but if someone offered me this (or even an iPhone) for free or for, like, $100 bucks, I'd be hard pressed not to take or purchase it despite the fact that I don't need it. And then I'd have yet another thing to throw away.
Anyway, all this started out about my alarm clock, and I still don't know what I'll do with it. I actually want to get one of those ones where it wakes you up with a mini-sunrise, so this might be my opportunity for a justified upgrade with important health and happiness benefits (I do not deal well with waking up). Since those are a little expensive, I still have time to plan my purchase while my current clock continues its descent into a complete breakdown. I won't be sad; it's had a good life.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Tag! Whatcha readin'?
My friend Steve tagged me in this little game a few days ago; it seemed like a fun way to peer into the bookshelves of some of my blog friends. But the rest of you can also feel free to post your participation in the comments!
Here’s the drill:
Here’s the drill:
- Pickup the nearest book (with at least 123 pages)
- Open to page 123.
- Find the 5th sentence.
- Post the next three sentences.
- Tag five people.
He had lost his wallet on his very first night at Belbury and it had never been recovered. O'Hara roared with laughter. "Sure you can have any money you like by asking the Steward."
What's Belbury? Who's O'Hara? Does our protagonist find his wallet? Only C.S. Lewis knows, and his tell-all novel, That Hideous Strength, is available on bookshelves right now. At least it should be in any self-respecting bookstore.
Tag, you're it: Kristen, Ian, Jenn and Joey, Andrew and Jodel, Gene and Rachel.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
A good day
As much as I complained about aspects of this conference, it was a good one, and this final day was the best. I was tired and not feeling well this morning, so I almost didn't go, but I would have missed the chance to talk with other attendees about all the things I love: environmental justice, economic justice, sustainable food access, interdisciplinary cooperation. While I don't agree with every perspective expressed, these are folks who are really concerned with trying to build good and just systems for our country and our world. I am actually excited about this organization, and the connections I'll get to make through it. And then, finding my coat that had been lost in the hotel for two days was icing on the cake. :-)
I was also glad to be able to show my mom part of what I do for a living, and what I get excited about. She came with me to the Friday awards dinner (featuring Jesse Jackson, and we sat at the table right in front of his seat on the dais) and heard about the different issues we'd been discussing; it inspired her, and she said she felt like "there really are people trying to make a difference." I had great conversations with her and my dad all throughout the days I stayed with them, about politics and economics and the environment and all sorts of things. I really enjoyed being able to share that part of my life with them more than I usually do; I should do it as often as I can, because it's fun and it makes our relationship deeper.
I was also glad to be able to show my mom part of what I do for a living, and what I get excited about. She came with me to the Friday awards dinner (featuring Jesse Jackson, and we sat at the table right in front of his seat on the dais) and heard about the different issues we'd been discussing; it inspired her, and she said she felt like "there really are people trying to make a difference." I had great conversations with her and my dad all throughout the days I stayed with them, about politics and economics and the environment and all sorts of things. I really enjoyed being able to share that part of my life with them more than I usually do; I should do it as often as I can, because it's fun and it makes our relationship deeper.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Down with Credit
The one thing of which this conference has convinced me is that the credit market may in fact be the downfall of democracy.
To express my thoughts, here's a question I posed in a plenary session earlier today:
"A few folks have mentioned the need to demonstrate to the global markets that we can restore ourselves to a stable economy. But was a stable or sustainable economy what we even had in the first place? An economy no longer based on what we produce, but on ever-increasing consumer spending fueled by ever-increasing consumer debt of all kinds - which was making a huge amount of money for a small amount of people through usury charged to people who can afford it least (otherwise they wouldn't need the credit so much) in terms that no one can understand? An economy where we increasingly purchase essential or important goods and services (housing, transportation, education) through a system where we can't afford them initially and end up paying far more that their real value in financial service charges over the long term? We're talking about foreclosure, but shouldn't we be talking about the inevitable collapse of the economic house of cards we built on credit spending?"
We've created a class of people (and worse yet, of barely accountable corporate entities with the rights of a person) who are not only rich and powerful, but who can exercise even more control over us and our affairs because we are continually in their debt - and afraid of what they will do to us if we don't meet their terms. Never mind that the terms are unintelligible, that the contract is overwhelmingly in their favor and construed to keep us in their service; we'll never protest because the power of correcting or redressing wrongs is almost entirely on their side. And we've convinced ourselves (that is, allowed ourselves to be convinced by them) that we need what they offer us in order to live lives of any value.
Enough! How long are we going to sell - or buy - ourselves into slavery? Really, this isn't just an issue of credit systems, but of the entire system of production and consumption. When we decided to stop making what we use, or knowing who made it or where it came from or what's in it; when we decided it was easier and cheaper to let someone else manage and truly know our trade, our laws, our "self"-rule, and we stopped caring whether or not we understood what they did; when we chose quantity of everything over quality of anything. I am beginning to abhor the system I live in, and my own role in it.
I want the sustainable life: based on as direct a relationship and understanding of the world and people around me as I can possibly manage. I'm not sure anymore why all these activities and all the busyness of my life right is so important, when it is mostly concerned with keeping up such inequity and degradation. Tell me what is more important that making sure I know those who live with and around me; that I know who grows my food or makes my clothes and tools, and how; that I provide or produce the things that I and others need; that I raise my family and care for my neighbors; that I help us work out our differences and have just and loving dealings with one another? What is my life focused on if not these things? And don't say serving the Lord wherever I am; these very things are the essence of serving the Lord in practice. And I live a life right now that distracts (if not keeping me outright) from all of them.
This was going to be a post about why I wasn't going to participate in the credit system anymore besides paying off my existing obligations; but it suddenly became something else. I feel this call again to change my life so radically, much as I felt it last year. But I still want to do this in community - I think I'd have to to make it work - but I don't know where to find those other people. I sadly think I might have to go from Boston to do it; how far am I willing to go (literally and figuratively) to live this life to which I think I may be called?
Fed up
I'm in DC this week at a conference on foreclosure, and I just heard Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Ben Bernanke speak. He referred jokingly to his "busy morning" making arrangements with JP Morgan to rescue Bear Stearns from failure, and then proceeded into a long-winded discussion of all the potential, piecemeal measures to address the consumer effects of the foreclosure crisis.
I'm fascinated (=disgusted) by the difference in the conversation about the two situations. The response to Bear Stearns' woes was immediate and simple; it was considered an absolute emergency to make sure this bank doesn't fail. On the other hand, the effects of subprime lending and foreclosures have been felt by consumers for years, actively a news item for at least 6 months, and still no one can agree on a quick and effective solution, and even the (IMO inadequate) policy measures being considered will be subject to weeks or months of debate, let alone actual implementation.
These people are all full of it. How many of those folks at Bear Stearns, at the Fed, in Congress are facing homelessness? Facing incapacitating job losses? If one of the debates were having about consumers is whether or not they need to take personal responsibility for the bad contracts into which they entered, why doesn't Bear Stearns have to take corporate responsibility for building up a hedge fund full of bad loans? Why not make them distribute their assets equitably to employees and shareholders, then shut down? How come no one expects them to fall in the pit they dug for themselves, but homeowners are SOL?
This is total horse dookie. Nothing today has illustrated the gross inequity of our society more than this discussion today. I'm just about done being nice and trying to build dialogues and partnerships - as far as I'm concerned, we should start the revolution tomorrow, and take down this whole damned (use meant literally) financial system.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Things that are awesome
Lying in my bed, warm and cozy, with my two cats stretched out around my legs. They're so cute ... when they're asleep.
Since the beginning of the year or so, I've started to let them come into the room and hang out with me. Before, they weren't really allowed in because a) sometimes they'd be mischievous and run around and jump on stuff, and b) previous bed co-habitants were allergic. But then I realized: I'm not allergic, and so long as they behave themselves, why not let them come in? So I did, and they have, and it's been wonderful. And while they sometimes like to explore around the room and occasionally get into stuff they shouldn't, their primary activity is just being near me - curled up on the bed, sitting on the floor, wandering around the desk and its environs. They miss me when we're not in the same room for a long time, and I can't believe I spent all that time depriving us of each other's company.
It's good to be loved.
Since the beginning of the year or so, I've started to let them come into the room and hang out with me. Before, they weren't really allowed in because a) sometimes they'd be mischievous and run around and jump on stuff, and b) previous bed co-habitants were allergic. But then I realized: I'm not allergic, and so long as they behave themselves, why not let them come in? So I did, and they have, and it's been wonderful. And while they sometimes like to explore around the room and occasionally get into stuff they shouldn't, their primary activity is just being near me - curled up on the bed, sitting on the floor, wandering around the desk and its environs. They miss me when we're not in the same room for a long time, and I can't believe I spent all that time depriving us of each other's company.
It's good to be loved.
Suicide
I recently found out that a former college classmate of mine committed suicide last month.
When I first heard that she'd died but didn't know the cause, my reaction was to think how terrible it was for someone to die so young, and to wonder what awful illness or accident befell her. I wasn't expecting at all to hear that she'd killed herself.
Since I've often thought in the past about doing just that, I was trying to parse my new reaction when I found out how she died. I think before, I'd have described her death as a tragedy; now different words come to mind - wasteful, why?, ridiculous, incomprehensible. Ironically, I find myself wondering what could have made such a beautiful, talented, intelligent young woman want to end her life, and think there were so other options. I feel so sad thinking about those final moments when she carried out her choice, and how lonely she must have been.
Interestingly, in the end I didn't give up trying suicide because I realized it would be a ridiculous waste; I stopped trying because I was too chicken and pain-averse to go through with it, and too depressed (and frightened) at the thought that I was so alone that no one would even know until it was way too late to find me and get me to a hospital. Ultimately, I guess that means I didn't really want to die, since I kept recoiling from the thought of actually ending up dead. What in me kept clinging to life? And what made my classmate let go of it?
Sunday, March 02, 2008
My best Valentine's Day gift ever
Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I forgot to blog about this until now.
So I don't think I've talked about my ex in a while, and that was primarily because at the end of last year I realized I didn't need to be talking to (or, more correctly, emailing with) him. We didn't have our planned meet-up/talk/whatever in December, and it seemed best to let sleeping dogs lie for my mental and emotional health. Sadly, unless they've passed on to the next life, sleeping dogs will eventually wake up. I can't take that analogy any further, because it has nothing to do with this story.
Said ex decided to write me in the second week of February, to say hi and tell me how his Christmas was and how his job was and other stuff that, quite frankly, I don't care about any more. I was going to just ignore the email and let him get the message that way; but then I figured, hey, let's be up front, tell him how I feel and not have this linger. So I wrote the following:
I did write him back after that, just to thank him for the best Valentine's Day gift he could have possibly given me ... because nothing could have killed my lingering affection more swiftly, or convinced me more heartily that I was well rid of any man who could be that big of a jerk. I think I must not have known him at all when I was dating him; either that, or I completely ignored, in my time-honored tradition, the many warning signs indicating that beneath my cuddly, sweet, sometimes frustrating boyfriend lurked the heart of a total bastard. It's probably a little of both.
As a footnote, I thought my therapist used a great phrase in describing the aftermath of this relationship for me: she said I was "laid low" by what happened, and was only just now starting to re-emerge. I think that's the perfect way to put it. And now it's time to get back up.
So I don't think I've talked about my ex in a while, and that was primarily because at the end of last year I realized I didn't need to be talking to (or, more correctly, emailing with) him. We didn't have our planned meet-up/talk/whatever in December, and it seemed best to let sleeping dogs lie for my mental and emotional health. Sadly, unless they've passed on to the next life, sleeping dogs will eventually wake up. I can't take that analogy any further, because it has nothing to do with this story.
Said ex decided to write me in the second week of February, to say hi and tell me how his Christmas was and how his job was and other stuff that, quite frankly, I don't care about any more. I was going to just ignore the email and let him get the message that way; but then I figured, hey, let's be up front, tell him how I feel and not have this linger. So I wrote the following:
Marco,Not the warmest message, I'll grant you. And I anticipated something along the lines of one of the following responses:
I no longer wish to continue the ongoing exchange of emails with someone whom, at this juncture and after such a lengthy period of time, I neither know nor trust in regards to their behavior towards me. If you ever find yourself willing and able to commit the time to rebuilding a friendship – beginning with an open conversation about (and apology for) the way you ended our previous relationship – I would be willing to speak with you again. Otherwise, I don’t think there is any need for further contact between us, as it would be disingenuous and fruitless.
Sincerely, etc.
- "I'm sorry, you're right, let's talk." (Best, but highly unlikely)
- "I don't want to talk about it; see ya." (Irritating, highly likely)
- "I don't have anything to apologize for; see ya." (Still irritating, not unexpected)
- Silence (Incredibly irritating, most likely)
whateverYep. Just that one word. It was kind of amazing really; it's basically a "f--k you," but without the swearing.
I did write him back after that, just to thank him for the best Valentine's Day gift he could have possibly given me ... because nothing could have killed my lingering affection more swiftly, or convinced me more heartily that I was well rid of any man who could be that big of a jerk. I think I must not have known him at all when I was dating him; either that, or I completely ignored, in my time-honored tradition, the many warning signs indicating that beneath my cuddly, sweet, sometimes frustrating boyfriend lurked the heart of a total bastard. It's probably a little of both.
As a footnote, I thought my therapist used a great phrase in describing the aftermath of this relationship for me: she said I was "laid low" by what happened, and was only just now starting to re-emerge. I think that's the perfect way to put it. And now it's time to get back up.
Reflections from a week of being sick
- I do not enjoy bing sick.
- When I am sick, I whine a lot, and I also want people to take care of me like I'm a child.
- My job is very pressure-filled right now.
Of course, the pressure's even heavier on me, because it's my job that's at stake, and a lot of these decisions are either my decisions or recommended by me. Sometimes I totally feel like I am not the person for this job, like we really need to have someone much more capable and stronger and smarter and way more savvy than me. And so many times this year, instead of going through my day and thinking, "I love my job!" I will get to some point in the day and say, "I'm so about to quit." That kind of sucks. What sucks more: if I did quit, or get fired, or the organization folds, I have no idea what else I would do. Not that I don't have marketable skills; it's just that, as much as my current job is kicking my butt right now, there's nothing else that I want to be doing. Ain't that the way? I guess I'd go back to grad school, which seems to be what everybody does when there's an economic downturn and they don't know what else to do with themselves.
- No one knows how funky I really am.
That said, I get surprised at how surprised other people are by how enthusiastically and sensually I dance. And it makes me think that they've never really seen me get down on a dance floor to a good groove, or really play it up hot with a willing salsa partner; because I get a little dirty. When my freak is totally on, I'll bump and grind with total strangers and have a grand time ... and while other people probably are a little taken aback, it's all about the music, not the sex. Mind you, when I am into someone I'm dancing with, and they're willing to be freaky - well, I've done some things that really ought to have gotten me thrown out of a club for their wild inappropriateness. But man, were those good times.
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