Ask me anything - but don't ask me that!

So, as I was thinking about fooling one's self and needing to just make decisions and integrity and such, I can't help but think about my faith. And while I often want to be challenged to be a person of greater integrity, I also can't help but think about the area where I don't want to be challenged and I don't want to listen. Right now - as so often in my life, really - that area is in my sexual relationships and sexual expression. In this place, I am exactly like those I just criticized: trying to still do it, but consoling myself by saying that I'll do it less harmfully, less destructively than if I were just sleeping with everybody.

There are reasons for this - companionship is an area where I have deep-felt needs and an intense fear that God won't take care of me. It isn't just that I'm trying to be obstinate, and I do wish I could trust more. I don't know, does that make a difference? If you can come up with a real reason and not just a preference or laziness, do you get a little more grace with the change? Or ultimately, does it all wash out just as disobedience, as refusal to do what is right and necessary? Am I temporarily redefining necessary just to let myself avoid the question?