Graduatons are long!

I have about four posts backed up to write ... these past few weeks have been completely nuts. Today, I'm at the graduation ceremonies for one of my alma maters; this is the fourth time I've attended the graduation. It amazes me how many people I know graduating this year that I didn't even realize had finished up. My school's weird like that. I'm excited because all these people I like are getting lots of awards, which always pleases me (although I also admit to a minor case of hardware envy).

I forgot, though - or maybe I was just being hopeful because the graduating class is a little smaller - that all the awarding and speechifying makes for one long deal. I mean it's beautiful and inspiring and all, but about an hour in you do start checking the watch.

OK, time to stand and clap now. :-) Project Reunion updates, a Sex and the City review and my latest job musings all to come!

Conventioneering

So it's Day 3 of my 4-day convention extravaganza. This year, the big convention is here in Boston, and so my organization is coordinating a number of events as well as my more usual attendee/speaker activities. I can sum up this convention in one word: exhausting. I am so glad this won't be back in my town for another decade or more ... unless I have the misfortune to move to a different city that choose to host this convention within the next several years. That's going to have to become a criterion for consideration in any future moves.

I do enjoy all of the catching up with people, although I feel like I've been so busy that I don't have enough social opportunities. Tonight's my big party night (4 in one evening, 3 to which I can actually make it), which will be a good time for chatting ... if I can manage to stay awake that long. If not, at least I will look absolutely beautiful when I am caught sleeping on my feet. Oy!

It's gonna take patience and time

At least I have one of those. :-)

So, my hot-headed flash of job-crisis is over; not that there aren't still things that need to be worked out in my job, but I've gotten over the immediate and compelling urge to quit and retire to an organic farm. I think I need to set a new rule that I'm not allowed to take any action in response to any emotional developments (positive or negative) in my life for a period of 4-5 days. That seems to be about the time I need to have my reactions and then find my balance.

I have some interesting challenges ahead of me. The one that I'm most curious about is the need to control my very transparent facial reactions that so clearly communicate my opinions on a matter even when I take effort to control my verbal expressions. At first, i was really wrestling with this, because I have no idea how to make my face not say what I'm thinking; but then my colleague-confidante this afternoon said it wasn't really about separating my face from my thoughts, but achieving the kind of peace and equilibrium in my thoughts that allow me to accept other people's suggestions and comments without having them immediately disturb me. Actually, I'm not sure I have any idea how to do that, either ... but I think it may be more feasible, although it will require a great deal of mental re-training. In the meantime, I might just have to tell people to ignore my face and know that my initial reaction is not necessarily where I'll end up on an issue.

Also, I think I definitely need to continue studying what it means to be a leader. I'm OK at it in some ways, but I'm not yet that person who truly knows how to gently guide a group toward a desired end; how to balance between exerting visible influence and stepping back; how to know when to throw my weight around and what exactly that "weight" really is. Part of this is just developing skill over time, but I also think I need to do more reading about what others have thought and come up with on the topic. Book suggestions welcome!

Another suggestion was that I need to work more to build up a) my relationships with my allies in my work environment, and b) my personal "board of directors" who helps guide me in life challenges. With relation to b), I've got a pretty kick-ass group as a foundation so far; but what I think is missing are other people who are in very similar work positions and environments to me and facing some of these same challenges. Basically, I think I need to add some corporate executives to my "board", and some non-profit leaders. Come to think of it, I need some of those on my organization's board as well!

Unlike my roommate situation, I actually feel like I can find a way to approach this and both get the things that I need and satisfy the things that others may want. That's a nice feeling, so I don't have to end up writing a post titled Failed, #2. I think I have to learn to be more secure in myself, and content with who I am, so that I can act in boldness and confidence but submit when needed. It's tiring to always be in this uncomfortable, defensive posture toward so much of the world around me. I'm trying to figure it out - with my friends and family, when I do feel comfortable, why is that, and how did I get there?

Next!

So, I realized today that I may have reached the pinnacle of my career, and there might be nothing I have left to do except get married and have babies.

In all seriousness, it's tough to figure out what job I would take after a job like the one I have. As I mentioned in an earlier post, this job was really tailor-made for my aspirations - at least at the time I started it. I think that's not really true anymore; my aspirations haven't changed, but the job has, and it has moved away from a focus that I get excited about and enjoy. For once, I'm not taking this shift personally; there's simply a mismatch, and I don't seem to be the right person for this season of my organization.

Of course, all this requires more thought and prayer before any decisions are made, but the timing is ripe for change and I am looking around to see what's next. I actually had an awesome conversation with a friend just now that opened my eyes to some possibilities beyond the family front; there's a potential chain of opportunities and shifts that could put more people than me in a better position. But those are long-off options as yet, not even solid enough to be considered options in any real sense.

It does give me some hope, though, and a feeling that my passions and energy can still find purpose. Otherwise, in the absence of a potential mate, I'm taking up a job in clothing retail ... at least there, I get the perk of dressing myself for cheap.

Is it possible to just be bad at everything?

First I can't get along with my roommate, then I can't communicate with my board.

So I've wondered before if I was right for my job, given the changes in my role over the past almost-year. That wonder came back with a vengeance this afternoon during a conversation with my outgoing and incoming board presidents. We were talking about expectations, and trying to come up with some way so that we all understand and agree upon what is expected in our various roles and how we work together. It was one of the most frustrating meetings I've had in my whole tenure with this organization - somehow, they're explaining what they want, and I'm trying to respond to what they want, but they are just not getting what they want, and I don't know how to fix it.

It's like they'll say these words, and they're in English, and I swear to you that I understand them, but when I do what I think the words tell me, it is not right. And then they try to explain it again, and I listen, and I say to myself, "But that's exactly what I did!" I don't know how to ask them to say what they're saying differently so that I understand what they want from me. On top of that, I feel like I keep getting conflicting directions that pull in opposite directions from each other; but again, these directions all seem to make sense to the people giving them to me. And they seemed to make perfect sense to the two other people in the conversation today, but I was at a complete loss.

I was also told that I have a tendency to shoot things down rather than welcome them and think about how they can be done. I should be better about coming up with a proposal for how the things being asked of me can be done and who can do them, rather than just saying that they can't be done. And they're right - although I try to be as responsive and positive as I can be, whenever a new proposal gets put forward these days I am often skeptical, and my number one question is, "Who's going to do it?" I was told I should draw on my board more and give them specific tasks that they can accomplish, and think about how we generate the manpower to get whatever we need done.

And I feel so frustrated, because I feel like I keep doing that and offering specific opportunities to participate and things that need doing, but either no one steps up or they step up and then are frustrated later because they feel that too much has been asked of them. And so, yes, I start to get skeptical when yet another initiative is proposed, because I can see down the road how it's all going to end up on my shoulders, and I can't carry all of that load. But again, I don't know if I only think I've been clear about what needs to be done but I really wasn't, or if I just made it sound so unappealing that no one in their right mind would do it, or some other lack in my presentation that I can't pinpoint yet.

All this is to say, just as I started to feel for a moment like my job was returning back to normal and to my being able to enjoy it, I find that there's all this background dissatisfaction with what's going on, and I'm expected to sort out how to resolve it. I suppose that's my job ... but it's also why I'm beginning to feel like maybe it shouldn't be my job anymore.

I miss my alarm clock!

I threw out the old one, but never quite managed to get a new one, and now I feel bereft. There's an empty space on my dresser that is crying out to be filled, and my cell phone alarm is just not cutting it. Also, I miss the really large visual reminder that it's way too late for me to be on my computer any more.

Project Reunion Update #1

For those keeping track - a potential date was identified, and an invitation issued. I did determine that I'm only bringing a date to one event, and going stag to the others, so I get to take advantage of both kinds of recommendations from my wise readers. We're still waiting to hear the results, and wondering what kind of dress we want to wear to the fancy party. Honestly, I have to plan a whole weekend of outfits. (No, of course I'm not using this as an excuse to buy new clothes! How dare you.)

On a different note, I was thinking today how nice it would be to have my new Boston friends meet some of my old college friends. Maybe it's back to the posse thing, but I'd love to have these two groups of people who were/are a part of my life at different stages to connect with one another and see how awesome they are.

Or, I just want to gloat over the fact that I only hang out with the coolest people by getting them all in one place to show them off. =)

And so it begins ...

Yes, departure is still several weeks away, but The Brooks Family Naked Sisters Rock Road Tour 2008 website is already under construction. Stay tuned for more details!

Walk the walk

Can you walk and blog at the same time? So far, the answer is yes; but I'll let you know when I run into someone.

After 4 days off due to a travel-related suspension, I'm back on the walking wagon. As I said to a friend on the phone just now, it was important for me to get back to it before I lost the habit. To date, that's been one of the pleasant surprises; while Lazy Me still whines about being tired at the start of a walk, Committed Me keeps pushing to stick it out, and seems to keep winning.

(As I'm discovering, the greatest danger in walking while blogging is not other people; it's the pavement upon which I am destined to trip any minute now.)

Before I reach death through face-plant into Mass Ave., I will just close by saying I'm really digging this walking thing, and I think there's every chance that I'll keep it up for the next couple months. We'll have to work out a plan, though, during the Rock Road Tour this summer. Perhaps a morning jog in the Grand Canyon?

Posse

Every so often, I get to thinking that I need a new social circle - or maybe that I just need a coherent social circle to begin with. I find that none of my friends really have my social pattern; they don't get that burst of going out energy at 9PM. Those who do go out are often bar people; I'll go out to a bar, but I only enjoy it when I'm with a group of people I already know and really like talking to. But I'm more of a person who likes to go out dancing, or to a movie; or whose favorite destination is just another friend's home where we can chill out and have some food and drink and watch movies or play games or do whatever. I guess this goes back to my years-long hankering for a "posse": that group of people you just roll with, who you can always call when you feel like being with other people. And after almost 14 years of being in the Boston area, I find that my only posse is still my family in Northern Virginia - 500+ miles away - and it's a little hard to get them to come out with me over all that distance. But I know they would, if they could, and in turn I'd gladly go out with them down there.

One of my friends would say, "Just go down to the neighborhood bar and meet someone;" and while it works for her like that, I'm not that person who just goes and talks to random strangers and draws a social crowd to her. I'm that quieter person who'll get into a really good one-on-one conversation. I guess maybe that's how I end up with a more scattered group of friends, who come singly and in pairs from different parts of my life, but never coalesce into a crew, the kind of social network that you can count on for both the silly and the serious.

It's not that I don't love and appreciate my individual friends ... I just find myself so frequently falling into the spaces between them. There's not really a fabric to my social life; instead, there are threads that I'm always trying to hold on to and gather together when I need them. And while there are challenges as well as benefits to being part of a close-knit group, I miss being in that place where you've got so many people around and involved with you that it's hard to feel lonely. I miss having the list of folks I can call and know that I'll almost always get one of them on the line and get them to do something with me. I miss always knowing who my peeps are, and never doubting that they'll take care of me and I'll take care of them, even when we get pissed off at each other. I can't idealize my family - we have our good days and our really bad ones - but I don't think we ever let anyone fall off the grid. In Boston, it would be so easy for me to disappear off the social map and hardly make a stir.

And this all gets into my deeper issues about belonging and being needed. Besides my family, the only place I really seem needed is at work; it's the one place in Boston where my absence would be a huge deal. It puts a lot of pressure on me at work at times when people talk about how much the organization is identified with me personally; at the same time, it's nice to know that I'm considered that important somewhere. And not that I want the lives of my friends to collapse without me ... but I kind of want to feel like there'd be more than just a fleeting impact if I weren't there. In my family, I know that people would be devasted, and that's kept me from self-harm more than once. It's not that no one would care up here; I suppose they'd just get over it much quicker. What an odd way to measure my value, by how sad other people would be in my absence.

I keep wanting to believe that I will find or form a family and a home beyond the one I grew up in. I don't really know how that happens, and after all these years I begin to think that I lack whatever it takes to find it - faith, openness, trust, warmth, extroversion, who knows. I really don't like the DC metro area; but if I have to choose between home the place - Boston, which I love and which has been very good to me professionally - and home the people - my family, who know me really well and still love me anyway - then I'm starting to think that I've chosen the place for long enough.

It occurs to me in passing that maybe it's so hard for me to find a new people home in Boston because I cling so strongly to the existing one, currently centered around DC. I tend to reject that idea as nonsense, because I don't think my attachment to my family keeps me from forming new attachments here. But then again, perhaps I am holding on to the model of my family and not recognizing and appreciating the other ways that my support system is manifesting itself in my present location. I'm not sure I totally agree with that viewpoint either; but at any rate, I thought it important to acknowledge.