So, I just sent out an invitation for folks to go salsa this Saturday, which I guess means that I am not going to hide out like a hermit crab in my apartment. So what's your point?
The good news is that I am feeling better today; had a very good night at school, had lunch with some fellows alums of my last school, and cleaned out my porch - formerly known as the place where shoes go to multiply - in preparation for receipt of a lovely new table and chairs from the antique store down the hill. (They are closing! It's very, very sad; the proprietor is one of the sweetest ladies ever, and I loved going in there.) I talked to my mom, and she encouraged me to keep enjoying my social time and try to remember that people seem to enjoy being with me and maybe that means I can feel a little less self-conscious and uncertain. We'll see if I can establish a reasonable frame of mind by the time the weekend rolls around.
She did suggest that this is probably all part of the adjustment period from my boyfriend leaving, not to mention some emotional coloring from my grandfather's death. I'm just hoping I can get adjusted sooner rather than later, so I can be less cranky and cry-ey after all my major social outings. It leaves me rather tired.
Of course, I could help myself on that front if I went to bed before 2AM!! Adios, amigos.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
I think I might do better if I had been raised by wolves.
Or lions, or bears, or other random animals that periodically have taken care of human cubs. Not monkeys, though; they may be our genetic cousins, but they give me the heebie-jeebies.
The point is, I don't think that socializing with people is really working for me. I've given it a good try - 33 years is a definite commitment - but I just don't have the hang of it. Unfortunately, at this point, I've been trained to believe that hanging with other people is the way to go, so it's hard to undo those decades of drilling. Even if I do stop hanging out with people, which it's possible I should, I'll always be wondering if I might be able to do it right with just one more try. It's a pickle!
It's not that my parents socialized me poorly; they're reasonably well-adjusted people (as much as any of us are), I had siblings, they taught me how to be polite and considerate and aware of other people's reactions and all that good stuff. They taught me how to be responsible, and to always try and do your best, and to own up to your errors. They allowed me to experience the whole range of human emotions and didn't try to repress me; they were supportive and loving and encouraging.
Theoretically, all that should have set me up well for being around other people. But despite good coaching, I fear I lack some of the basic talent and inclination for socializing that is essential for success. It's just one of those things, like the gift of being able to invent and execute a musical composition. Some folks have it; I don't.
I just never learned the happy medium of being delighted to be around people if they're available, but not caring so much if they aren't. Billy Joel and I apparently share a problem with moderation: either I must be a social butterfly, the center of attention, popular and beloved by all; or I need a cone of silence where no one will bug me. And I either need to have a deep, intense, consuming relationship with someone, or I'd rather just not bother investing any energy.
Ultimately, that usually leaves me quite lonely, which is the state of being I'm delighted to rediscover these days. My boyfriend kept it at bay for over a year, blessings be upon him; but since his recent temporary relocation 450 miles away, I have re-realized that no one else is up for providing the constant attention and affection I seem to need for my emotional security. Since he left, I've been in an increasingly desperate search for substitute social tokens of the admiration and approbation he used to provide through his presence; my lack of success has left me highly insecure and irritable.
It is, of course, not the fault of my social circle any more than my parents; they're all busy leading normal social lives and they don't realize that there's a crazy woman moving among them. (It's better that way ... they'll feel safer.) Who but a crazy would expect that all her friendships be intensely intimate and constantly involved? Who would expect to have other people appear and disappear as her emotional desires dictate? Who gets mad at not having an all-access pass to other people's homes and lives, and jealous of the time they spend with other people when I'm not included?
The answer, of course, is me - but we've already stipulated that I'm a nutter-butter, so those questions are clearly rhetorical. It's obvious I have a problem with boundaries. And repeatedly expecting others to accommodate my invasive neediness and then being angry when they remind me (always kindly, subtly) that their lives are not all about me ... that's got to be a close match for the definition of insanity.
At any rate, the recurring battle between my crazy and the real world is just getting to be exhausting. I can manage it in professional settings, where I only have to act appropriate for discrete, purposeful periods of time. But in my off-hours, I really don't have the stamina for that emotional facade; at some point, my true nature will start leaking out, and in case the dam breaks, it's best that I be in a controlled environment where the damage can be minimized. My bedroom has proven exceptionally durable.
I do have to say, I enjoyed the feeling of belonging - I had stopped wondering so much if I was saying or doing the right thing, if I was overstaying my welcome, if I fit in. I liked it when being me was relatively effortless, and fun. I shall truly miss it; but as they say, all things must come to an end.
The point is, I don't think that socializing with people is really working for me. I've given it a good try - 33 years is a definite commitment - but I just don't have the hang of it. Unfortunately, at this point, I've been trained to believe that hanging with other people is the way to go, so it's hard to undo those decades of drilling. Even if I do stop hanging out with people, which it's possible I should, I'll always be wondering if I might be able to do it right with just one more try. It's a pickle!
It's not that my parents socialized me poorly; they're reasonably well-adjusted people (as much as any of us are), I had siblings, they taught me how to be polite and considerate and aware of other people's reactions and all that good stuff. They taught me how to be responsible, and to always try and do your best, and to own up to your errors. They allowed me to experience the whole range of human emotions and didn't try to repress me; they were supportive and loving and encouraging.
Theoretically, all that should have set me up well for being around other people. But despite good coaching, I fear I lack some of the basic talent and inclination for socializing that is essential for success. It's just one of those things, like the gift of being able to invent and execute a musical composition. Some folks have it; I don't.
I just never learned the happy medium of being delighted to be around people if they're available, but not caring so much if they aren't. Billy Joel and I apparently share a problem with moderation: either I must be a social butterfly, the center of attention, popular and beloved by all; or I need a cone of silence where no one will bug me. And I either need to have a deep, intense, consuming relationship with someone, or I'd rather just not bother investing any energy.
Ultimately, that usually leaves me quite lonely, which is the state of being I'm delighted to rediscover these days. My boyfriend kept it at bay for over a year, blessings be upon him; but since his recent temporary relocation 450 miles away, I have re-realized that no one else is up for providing the constant attention and affection I seem to need for my emotional security. Since he left, I've been in an increasingly desperate search for substitute social tokens of the admiration and approbation he used to provide through his presence; my lack of success has left me highly insecure and irritable.
It is, of course, not the fault of my social circle any more than my parents; they're all busy leading normal social lives and they don't realize that there's a crazy woman moving among them. (It's better that way ... they'll feel safer.) Who but a crazy would expect that all her friendships be intensely intimate and constantly involved? Who would expect to have other people appear and disappear as her emotional desires dictate? Who gets mad at not having an all-access pass to other people's homes and lives, and jealous of the time they spend with other people when I'm not included?
The answer, of course, is me - but we've already stipulated that I'm a nutter-butter, so those questions are clearly rhetorical. It's obvious I have a problem with boundaries. And repeatedly expecting others to accommodate my invasive neediness and then being angry when they remind me (always kindly, subtly) that their lives are not all about me ... that's got to be a close match for the definition of insanity.
At any rate, the recurring battle between my crazy and the real world is just getting to be exhausting. I can manage it in professional settings, where I only have to act appropriate for discrete, purposeful periods of time. But in my off-hours, I really don't have the stamina for that emotional facade; at some point, my true nature will start leaking out, and in case the dam breaks, it's best that I be in a controlled environment where the damage can be minimized. My bedroom has proven exceptionally durable.
I do have to say, I enjoyed the feeling of belonging - I had stopped wondering so much if I was saying or doing the right thing, if I was overstaying my welcome, if I fit in. I liked it when being me was relatively effortless, and fun. I shall truly miss it; but as they say, all things must come to an end.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming ...
... which is not regularly scheduled at all. Welcome back from another random two month break, followed by a double post.
What continues to fascinate me is that all the while, I have a million things I want to blog about. I make lists of entries I want to write, topics I've gotten interested or excited about, rants I long to give to the world; but somehow, that never gets out of my head and into a computer. Sometimes it is because I'm busy. But given how much time I spend in YoVille (and now FarmVille) on Facebook, you'd think I could get myself over to Blogger.
I do think the problem is often that I want to write too much. I have these big giant speeches in my head, but to really get them out takes thought and organizing my arguments and that takes way more time than a quick post while I'm on the bus. I just now realized why folks love Twitter so much - or at least why I do: even if it's only annoyingly 10 characters long, it gives me a little outlet for the bizillion thoughts that go across my head all the time. I even have to restrain myself, so I don't update my status every 10 minutes. (Of course, if I was able to de-link my Twitter from always updating my Facebook status to just sometimes updating it, that wouldn't be such an issue - and hence, the rationale for Selective Twitter Status! Man, I come up with all the good ideas ... just a year too late.)
Anyway, it just frustrates me, because there's so much I want to say, and never enough time to say it. Especially not with grad school papers looming around every corner! :D
What continues to fascinate me is that all the while, I have a million things I want to blog about. I make lists of entries I want to write, topics I've gotten interested or excited about, rants I long to give to the world; but somehow, that never gets out of my head and into a computer. Sometimes it is because I'm busy. But given how much time I spend in YoVille (and now FarmVille) on Facebook, you'd think I could get myself over to Blogger.
I do think the problem is often that I want to write too much. I have these big giant speeches in my head, but to really get them out takes thought and organizing my arguments and that takes way more time than a quick post while I'm on the bus. I just now realized why folks love Twitter so much - or at least why I do: even if it's only annoyingly 10 characters long, it gives me a little outlet for the bizillion thoughts that go across my head all the time. I even have to restrain myself, so I don't update my status every 10 minutes. (Of course, if I was able to de-link my Twitter from always updating my Facebook status to just sometimes updating it, that wouldn't be such an issue - and hence, the rationale for Selective Twitter Status! Man, I come up with all the good ideas ... just a year too late.)
Anyway, it just frustrates me, because there's so much I want to say, and never enough time to say it. Especially not with grad school papers looming around every corner! :D
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Roommate Update
My new roommate is awesome!!!
That may seem like a premature announcement a mere 3 days into our house-sharing, but he's seriously such a sweet, friendly guy, and we all (me, my landlords, my boyfriend) love having him here.
What's funny is that we didn't meet in person before agreeing to live together; he was overseas right up until the day he was here in the States. But what got me was his initial email in response to my post; as I told him when we Skyped, it was the email I would have written to myself to prove that I was an honest, reputable, non-scammer making a legitimate move to another country for work. References, verifiable details, good grammar (you have no idea how much that counts in an online exchange) ... I know that might sound like a strange set of reasons to really get enthusiastic about an email, or to feel like you could trust the person behind it. But I just got this great feeling that overwhelmed my hesitations about the distance and the short sublease term. Our chat online kept that good feeling going, as did meeting his labmates at MIT who came over to video the apartment for him. Combined with his quick response to providing documents and exchanging info to set up our arrangement, I felt like I had finally found the right one.
That feeling has definitely been borne out by these few days; and while I know we'll get to know each other's ups and downs as the next several weeks progress, I feel really blessed to have found him. Here's hoping his lab keeps him on through the winter and spring!
That may seem like a premature announcement a mere 3 days into our house-sharing, but he's seriously such a sweet, friendly guy, and we all (me, my landlords, my boyfriend) love having him here.
What's funny is that we didn't meet in person before agreeing to live together; he was overseas right up until the day he was here in the States. But what got me was his initial email in response to my post; as I told him when we Skyped, it was the email I would have written to myself to prove that I was an honest, reputable, non-scammer making a legitimate move to another country for work. References, verifiable details, good grammar (you have no idea how much that counts in an online exchange) ... I know that might sound like a strange set of reasons to really get enthusiastic about an email, or to feel like you could trust the person behind it. But I just got this great feeling that overwhelmed my hesitations about the distance and the short sublease term. Our chat online kept that good feeling going, as did meeting his labmates at MIT who came over to video the apartment for him. Combined with his quick response to providing documents and exchanging info to set up our arrangement, I felt like I had finally found the right one.
That feeling has definitely been borne out by these few days; and while I know we'll get to know each other's ups and downs as the next several weeks progress, I feel really blessed to have found him. Here's hoping his lab keeps him on through the winter and spring!
My sister is a Mrs.!
How on earth do you describe the week before a wedding? Exhausting, elating, exciting, full of errands. I feel a little like I did after Inauguration, actually; it took a few days for me to recover (in January from the cold, this time from sleep deprivation) so that I could look back on the week and see all of the wonder of it, but when I did, it was pretty darn amazing.
There were so many moments that were just incredible: my sister tearing up during her speech at the rehearsal dinner; the look on my brother-in-law's face as my sister walked down the aisle; my father weeping during the father-daughter dance; my sister dancing with our 91-year-old grandpa; my nephew showing off his moves to Michael Jackson. My sister and brother-in-law's amazing group of friends who came to share their day. All my family - including my uncle - gathered together for the first time in years. My boyfriend there to share the week with me.
The wedding definitely marked the end of the summer for me, and the transition from vacation to fall activities. This was my summer of family, from the wedding to my nephew's Boston visit all the way back to my six weeks of Virginia vacation. I needed the break; but more than that, I needed to center myself with my most important people before I moved on to my next stage of things. It's a little strange being back in Boston without them.
Y'know what else is strange? My sister changed her name! Not that this is unusual in terms of what people do when they get married ... but I still can't get used to her new appellation. Not that she stops being one of us - the gravitational pull of our family is too strong for that! ;-) - but we're now down to only two of us with our maiden names. Who will preserve the family surname for future generations, with all of us being girls? Between me and my youngest sister, who will be the next to change her name on Facebook? (Yes, that's right - it hasn't really happened until it happens on Facebook, no matter what your other legal documents might say.)
Anyway, it was gorgeous, moving, fun, crazy, busy, and fabulous. Just what a wedding should be! It was very labor intensive, though ... as I told my sis, I definitely expect her and her husband to stay together, because I'm only doing all of that for her once. :-)
There were so many moments that were just incredible: my sister tearing up during her speech at the rehearsal dinner; the look on my brother-in-law's face as my sister walked down the aisle; my father weeping during the father-daughter dance; my sister dancing with our 91-year-old grandpa; my nephew showing off his moves to Michael Jackson. My sister and brother-in-law's amazing group of friends who came to share their day. All my family - including my uncle - gathered together for the first time in years. My boyfriend there to share the week with me.
The wedding definitely marked the end of the summer for me, and the transition from vacation to fall activities. This was my summer of family, from the wedding to my nephew's Boston visit all the way back to my six weeks of Virginia vacation. I needed the break; but more than that, I needed to center myself with my most important people before I moved on to my next stage of things. It's a little strange being back in Boston without them.
Y'know what else is strange? My sister changed her name! Not that this is unusual in terms of what people do when they get married ... but I still can't get used to her new appellation. Not that she stops being one of us - the gravitational pull of our family is too strong for that! ;-) - but we're now down to only two of us with our maiden names. Who will preserve the family surname for future generations, with all of us being girls? Between me and my youngest sister, who will be the next to change her name on Facebook? (Yes, that's right - it hasn't really happened until it happens on Facebook, no matter what your other legal documents might say.)
Anyway, it was gorgeous, moving, fun, crazy, busy, and fabulous. Just what a wedding should be! It was very labor intensive, though ... as I told my sis, I definitely expect her and her husband to stay together, because I'm only doing all of that for her once. :-)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Eeny, meeny, miny, mo
As it turns out, one other part of this transitional time is the upcoming departure of my roommate, who is leaving for the greener pastures of his girlfriend's home. I admit this was quite the stressor for me, as I tried to imagine how on earth I was going to find a new housemate remotely from another state, to which I would not return until 3 weeks before the potential move-in.
I finally got off my duff last weekend and began the search process (nothing like some good procrastination to make everything better!). In addition to dispersing the notice among my friends, I also tried the tactic that worked for me last time I was entering school: using the campus housing office to find possible candidates. One of the delightful advantages of this from last time - besides finding my best roomie ever, who was darn hard to replace when she left - is that having a roommate who's in the same school with me meant that we had instant common ground, and could provide some mutual support and information exchange as we both moved through the program. It was not just helpful; it was great to have a buddy exploring that new territory with me.
The campus housing post was fruitful; I've now spoken with two interested folks. One male, one female; one a law student, the other in the business school; both were good conversations about the house and neighborhood and rooming habits and communication, etc., etc. The twist: both are coming from out of town, and there won't be any chance to meet either of them before I need to make a decision (for my sanity as well as theirs). How do I choose between two folks I've only spoken to via phone and email?
The last time I did a search, for my current roommate, it was a multi-interview process where I felt like I got a pretty good sense of who he was and was able to share my concerns and expectations. I was particularly paranoid and cautious because the woman before him turned out to be so awful, when she had seemed so nice upon meeting her. Excepting college, I've never roomed with someone I didn't at least get to meet face-to-face; while both of the folks seem cool, I still feel very nervous.
I think this is going to be yet another of those trust-in-the-Lord for guidance situations, because I don't have any way to do all the things that would make me feel "secure" in this decision (even if that security is an illusion). I'm having a lot of those this summer; but the good part of that is that I keep re-learning that when I leave things in His hands, they do get taken care of, quite well. I'm going to give this some meditation, and pray for clear hearing ... I'd appreciate your prayers as well, plus any practical tips for out-of-town roommate assessment!
I finally got off my duff last weekend and began the search process (nothing like some good procrastination to make everything better!). In addition to dispersing the notice among my friends, I also tried the tactic that worked for me last time I was entering school: using the campus housing office to find possible candidates. One of the delightful advantages of this from last time - besides finding my best roomie ever, who was darn hard to replace when she left - is that having a roommate who's in the same school with me meant that we had instant common ground, and could provide some mutual support and information exchange as we both moved through the program. It was not just helpful; it was great to have a buddy exploring that new territory with me.
The campus housing post was fruitful; I've now spoken with two interested folks. One male, one female; one a law student, the other in the business school; both were good conversations about the house and neighborhood and rooming habits and communication, etc., etc. The twist: both are coming from out of town, and there won't be any chance to meet either of them before I need to make a decision (for my sanity as well as theirs). How do I choose between two folks I've only spoken to via phone and email?
The last time I did a search, for my current roommate, it was a multi-interview process where I felt like I got a pretty good sense of who he was and was able to share my concerns and expectations. I was particularly paranoid and cautious because the woman before him turned out to be so awful, when she had seemed so nice upon meeting her. Excepting college, I've never roomed with someone I didn't at least get to meet face-to-face; while both of the folks seem cool, I still feel very nervous.
I think this is going to be yet another of those trust-in-the-Lord for guidance situations, because I don't have any way to do all the things that would make me feel "secure" in this decision (even if that security is an illusion). I'm having a lot of those this summer; but the good part of that is that I keep re-learning that when I leave things in His hands, they do get taken care of, quite well. I'm going to give this some meditation, and pray for clear hearing ... I'd appreciate your prayers as well, plus any practical tips for out-of-town roommate assessment!
Time for the good stuff
Well, I'm 2-1/2 weeks into my 6-week Virginia vacation, and the most descriptive term for it is: awesome! Other excellent terms: fun; relaxing; sun-filled; sneezy. (Yeah, that last one is a little weird, but my right nostril is having an allergy fit. Yes, just one nostril.)
My nephew and I haven't quite had a specific schedule, but we've been good about getting out of the house - to the pool; on a very interesting suburban public transit excursion; on errands. He'll also go out and play at a friend's house or at the park, so even if I have to be inside taking care of some business, he's still out and about. We have a limit of about 30-60 minutes of Xbox a day; we're working on cutting down the TV time. (It's tough; we both love TV! Although I think I've had enough cartoons ... at least I'd rather watch the live action teeny-bop shows, if I have to choose among the kid offerings.) Often, when we're in, we do play board games, which are a family favorite pastime; he's beaten me at Payday more times than I like to admit.
I've been shopping, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, minding the young'uns. It's encouraging, in that I actually don't mind some of the activities that could be a part of housewife-hood and parenthood ... well, the parenting of a well-behaved, fairly independent 10-year-old. (They pop out like that, right?) I even manage to get in occasional periods of personal productivity, like taking care of bills or roommate searching or school-related stuff, or working on the little research project I have going this summer, or working out, or planning wedding things for my sister. I need to work a little more on my discipline in getting up and getting dressed at a reasonable hour (= before 11AM or noon), but overall, I feel like I'm not exceptionally, embarassingly lazy.
The best part of all this is just being here, being chilled out, and getting to make time for all of this. I feel very un-stressed, which is such a lovely change from where I was, and I continue to feel happy and contented. Finances are tight, but not worrisome, and at least I'm earning my room and board by being a useful household and child caretaker. Getting to spend this amount of time with my nephew rocks, because even at close range and constant company, he remains the best boy ever: sweet-natured, funny, loving, smart, goofy, adorable. I don't get to spend as much time with my sister because she does have to do this crazy thing called work; but when she is here, we hang out and have fun. It's great to watch the two of them together, because they so completely love each other. My sister is a great mom, and I am so proud of her for that.
I know I'll have to get ready for more work and less play as September approaches. But I also hope I can take some of this peace back with me, and remember to make time for the best part of my life, which is spending it with people I love. There's nothing like just being able to bewith your friends and family at home; not even necessarily doing anything, but just being together. Good times, yo.
My nephew and I haven't quite had a specific schedule, but we've been good about getting out of the house - to the pool; on a very interesting suburban public transit excursion; on errands. He'll also go out and play at a friend's house or at the park, so even if I have to be inside taking care of some business, he's still out and about. We have a limit of about 30-60 minutes of Xbox a day; we're working on cutting down the TV time. (It's tough; we both love TV! Although I think I've had enough cartoons ... at least I'd rather watch the live action teeny-bop shows, if I have to choose among the kid offerings.) Often, when we're in, we do play board games, which are a family favorite pastime; he's beaten me at Payday more times than I like to admit.
I've been shopping, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, minding the young'uns. It's encouraging, in that I actually don't mind some of the activities that could be a part of housewife-hood and parenthood ... well, the parenting of a well-behaved, fairly independent 10-year-old. (They pop out like that, right?) I even manage to get in occasional periods of personal productivity, like taking care of bills or roommate searching or school-related stuff, or working on the little research project I have going this summer, or working out, or planning wedding things for my sister. I need to work a little more on my discipline in getting up and getting dressed at a reasonable hour (= before 11AM or noon), but overall, I feel like I'm not exceptionally, embarassingly lazy.
The best part of all this is just being here, being chilled out, and getting to make time for all of this. I feel very un-stressed, which is such a lovely change from where I was, and I continue to feel happy and contented. Finances are tight, but not worrisome, and at least I'm earning my room and board by being a useful household and child caretaker. Getting to spend this amount of time with my nephew rocks, because even at close range and constant company, he remains the best boy ever: sweet-natured, funny, loving, smart, goofy, adorable. I don't get to spend as much time with my sister because she does have to do this crazy thing called work; but when she is here, we hang out and have fun. It's great to watch the two of them together, because they so completely love each other. My sister is a great mom, and I am so proud of her for that.
I know I'll have to get ready for more work and less play as September approaches. But I also hope I can take some of this peace back with me, and remember to make time for the best part of my life, which is spending it with people I love. There's nothing like just being able to bewith your friends and family at home; not even necessarily doing anything, but just being together. Good times, yo.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Random observation
OK, so I'm not fit by any stretch of the imagination, as both my ever-present belly and my consistently low cardiovascular endurance demonstrate. But I also feel like I'm a reasonably active person; I get around to many places by walking, and I have to go up that darn hill to my house every single day. Not to mention, while other very fit people are doing that with only 120-160 pounds on them, I'm carrying 200+ with me all the time.
I've always wondered: why doesn't the simple act of hauling myself around count for more towards my fitness? I mean, I'm not slouching around on a couch or in a car all the time; I walk, I take stairs, I still have to run for that bus or train and I can usually make it. I can walk 2-3 miles on a whim when I decide it's a nice day and I want the fresh air ... I feel like I should be much more fit than I appear.
Mind you, I'm also firmly convinced that I'm a very muscular person - it's just hidden under a mostly opaque layer of fat. I swear, if you took away my belly, my abs are like a rock. :-)
I've always wondered: why doesn't the simple act of hauling myself around count for more towards my fitness? I mean, I'm not slouching around on a couch or in a car all the time; I walk, I take stairs, I still have to run for that bus or train and I can usually make it. I can walk 2-3 miles on a whim when I decide it's a nice day and I want the fresh air ... I feel like I should be much more fit than I appear.
Mind you, I'm also firmly convinced that I'm a very muscular person - it's just hidden under a mostly opaque layer of fat. I swear, if you took away my belly, my abs are like a rock. :-)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Match
I just watched a screening of a very good movie, (500) Days of Summer, which I highly recommend seeing. It's a relationships movie, and a surprisingly accurate one - sometimes painfully so. I saw the ghosts of my own dating history in more than one scene.
[Please note: I will try to write the following without giving away too much plot, but if you're one of those people who absolutely hates even the hint of spoilers and might want to see this movie, don't keep reading. But do go see it - it's good!]
It's funny: I loved the movie, but I also kind of hated it for that accuracy, and at the end I felt sad. I suppose it wasn't a movie that helped along my desire to believe in happy endings, the way I want my romantic comedies to do (but I also at the same time hate them for giving me hopes that are never matched by reality). I didn't want to be reminded of my relationship misfires, and to wonder even now if I'm in another one but I just haven't had that moment of realization yet. There is a message intertwined in the movie about how right it is when you know you found the one ... but I think I'd feel much better about that message if I was already sitting in that place of certainty.
I couldn't help but think of all the men I've dated in my life, most of whom have found life partners - ironically, those are the ones who squashed my heart like a pancake. It's not that I wished them evil, or an eternity without finding happiness in love (at least, not after I sufficiently recovered from the heartbreak); but I certainly didn't want them to find it before me. It seems unfair somehow that they should go so quickly - sometimes directly - from my misery to their destined mate, while I am still left wondering.
It also kind of made me want to have a "future" conversation with my boyfriend, which I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of not having for a while. If we already know that we have major differences in some of the things we believe and want, should I cut my losses before I get even more invested than I already am? Can I still manage to get out without getting hurt? Our relationship seems so good right now, and has always felt open and honest and comfortable and peaceful and consistently enjoyable and pretty matched in caring - not like my others - but I am a) historically prone to ignoring big red flashing signals that say "Turn back from this relationship!" and b) used to having the rug pulled out from under me just when I think a relationship is making good progress.
I think I've been pretty cautious this time, and I don't think I have my rose-colored glasses on; but that doesn't mean I'm not still waiting to find out exactly how and when this will end. While I try not t be such a downer in my daily interactions, I feel somewhere in the back of my mind that the best I can hope for I that the end doesn't totally suck, and that I get over it fast. Much like one of the characters in the movie, I am pretty sure that this soulmates/true love/find your life partner nonsense is a big pile of stinky poopy. I do have friends whose marriages seem to suggest otherwise ... but I think I am not destined to share their happy fate.
Gee whiz - from my description, you'd think this was a terribly depressing movie! It's not, though ... it's very cute and funny and smart and you should absolutely go see it; despite my mournful reflections, I truly enjoyed the film. And my dire prophecies probably have much more to do with fear of the past than any particular prediction of future behavior. While I don't know how long my boyfriend and I will be together, I am thoroughly thankful for the wonderful time that we've had so far, and I plan to enjoy all the good times that remain for us. I do hope that one day I can let go of that bad history, that it will lose its power to rise up, remind me, and run me over all over again.
Cheers! ;-)
[Please note: I will try to write the following without giving away too much plot, but if you're one of those people who absolutely hates even the hint of spoilers and might want to see this movie, don't keep reading. But do go see it - it's good!]
It's funny: I loved the movie, but I also kind of hated it for that accuracy, and at the end I felt sad. I suppose it wasn't a movie that helped along my desire to believe in happy endings, the way I want my romantic comedies to do (but I also at the same time hate them for giving me hopes that are never matched by reality). I didn't want to be reminded of my relationship misfires, and to wonder even now if I'm in another one but I just haven't had that moment of realization yet. There is a message intertwined in the movie about how right it is when you know you found the one ... but I think I'd feel much better about that message if I was already sitting in that place of certainty.
I couldn't help but think of all the men I've dated in my life, most of whom have found life partners - ironically, those are the ones who squashed my heart like a pancake. It's not that I wished them evil, or an eternity without finding happiness in love (at least, not after I sufficiently recovered from the heartbreak); but I certainly didn't want them to find it before me. It seems unfair somehow that they should go so quickly - sometimes directly - from my misery to their destined mate, while I am still left wondering.
It also kind of made me want to have a "future" conversation with my boyfriend, which I had just gotten comfortable with the idea of not having for a while. If we already know that we have major differences in some of the things we believe and want, should I cut my losses before I get even more invested than I already am? Can I still manage to get out without getting hurt? Our relationship seems so good right now, and has always felt open and honest and comfortable and peaceful and consistently enjoyable and pretty matched in caring - not like my others - but I am a) historically prone to ignoring big red flashing signals that say "Turn back from this relationship!" and b) used to having the rug pulled out from under me just when I think a relationship is making good progress.
I think I've been pretty cautious this time, and I don't think I have my rose-colored glasses on; but that doesn't mean I'm not still waiting to find out exactly how and when this will end. While I try not t be such a downer in my daily interactions, I feel somewhere in the back of my mind that the best I can hope for I that the end doesn't totally suck, and that I get over it fast. Much like one of the characters in the movie, I am pretty sure that this soulmates/true love/find your life partner nonsense is a big pile of stinky poopy. I do have friends whose marriages seem to suggest otherwise ... but I think I am not destined to share their happy fate.
Gee whiz - from my description, you'd think this was a terribly depressing movie! It's not, though ... it's very cute and funny and smart and you should absolutely go see it; despite my mournful reflections, I truly enjoyed the film. And my dire prophecies probably have much more to do with fear of the past than any particular prediction of future behavior. While I don't know how long my boyfriend and I will be together, I am thoroughly thankful for the wonderful time that we've had so far, and I plan to enjoy all the good times that remain for us. I do hope that one day I can let go of that bad history, that it will lose its power to rise up, remind me, and run me over all over again.
Cheers! ;-)
Friday, June 05, 2009
Solving poverty
This may be an incredibly naïve - not to mention completely unoriginal - post; I'm putting that right out front, in the hopes that I'll get a pass if this turns out to be pure nonsense.
I'm at my second conference in 3 weeks, as my high-travel post-employment period draws to a close and my schedule-free period begins. I'm listening to the panelists and responders in a fabulous presentation on community food systems and environmental justice, which is a topic that has grown increasingly near to my heart over the past couple years. And as I've been attending all these sessions at these two conferences about improving cities and designing communities and engaging all stakeholders, this recurring question of addressing poverty and its affects seems to lurk just below the surface of many discussions.
I mentioned tongue-in-cheek in a previous post that, following my rant against and intellectual non-producer class, I had also come up with a simple solution to poverty. This was only half in jest; as I was sitting in sessions later that day, I really started thinking about what poverty is and how we define it. We typically define it by income - but as with pretty much everything about money, that measurement is merely a proxy for the real issue at hand. To wit, I asked a friend: if you lived in the US and made only $15,000/year but you had secure access to safe, healthy, good quality housing, food, health care and education, are you actually poor? I'd argue not; poverty is not about any specific amount of wealth you have, but about whether your available resources allow you to reliably meet your basic needs.
Well, duh. Who would argue with that? But while we might all agree on that basic definition of poverty, I think we generally put our resources and efforts in the wrong place. The error starts with money, actually; we've forgotten that money is a proxy for real things, not a real thing itself. So we focus on solving poverty through "wealth creation": giving people ways to earn money to buy their basic needs. We think this is a much better long term alternative than just giving people food, housing, etc., directly ... and I'd agree with the idea that we don't want people to be dependent on others to get their basic needs and unable to be more self-sufficient.
Except: the phrase is "Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime," not "Teach a man to work a job that gets him money to buy fish and he eats for a lifetime." The fallacy is that having money to purchase the goods we need makes us independent; but it actually makes us totally dependent on a production and distribution system for basic goods that most of us don't understand and aren't involved in except at the very end stages. Not to mention that we are also dependent on the vagaries of the employment market to provide our income, over which we also have very little control.
I think a real solution to poverty and dependency would take out the money proxy and the middle man's profit that raises the barrier to goods, as much as could possibly be done. My solution to poverty has three pretty simple stages:
1) Provide basic necessities to those who lack them, immediately. Rent all the high-quality housing on the market for everyone currently defined as poor. Hire doctors, rent space to increase clinic capacity and buy equipent and supplies to provide free care for their medical needs. Buy all the food we can from local and organic farmers and distribute it for free to those who need it. Get everyone clothes and shoes appropriate for the climate they live in. Do all necessary school repairs for immediate health and safety, hire a huge number of the best teachers we can find and purchase all the up-to-date materials they need to teach the best classes to the poorest students. And don't tell me we lack the money to do it; we can always find money for whatever we decide is important enough to fund. We just dropped uncountable billions on the most asinine bailouts of the most irresponsible companies in the world; we could feed, house, heal and educate everyone in the country if we actually wanted to.
2) Once folks are initially settled into their homes, having regular healthy meals, receiving medical care and basic education, now we can start skills building, teaching people how to meet these basic needs for themselves: how to grow food; build; keep healthy and treat the sick; make clothes, furniture, and other household goods and tools; and how to share knowledge and civic responsibility with others in their community. I absolutely agree that it's critical to establish a level of independence and self-sufficiency where people can do as much as they can for themselves. I also agree with another principle behind "welfare-to-work" efforts: the time where you can depend on others to keep providing for you should be limited, and extended only in rare circumstances. Let's use 2 years as a time frame to start with, although it might not be the right one; during that time, after basic needs are initially met, anyone receiving services has to be actively participating in training toward being able to provide those services for themselves and others. Over the two years, they should move from being service provider trainees to the highly competent leaders and organizers of these services for their community. They should be building the new homes, schools, shops, clinics or hospitals, and governing and knowledge-transfer systems that they will need for themselves; and the outside helpers who were initially needed to provide those services will increasingly release responsibility and involvement to the people themselves.
3) In order to move from the emergency systems that were initially established to opportunities for ongoing self- and community-sufficiency, people need access to space and initial materials to build from. It's the 40 acres and a mule principle, which we're still paying for not properly implementing at the time: you can't just set someone loose from a position of systemic oppression, not give them some resources that can generate their future, and expect them not to end up back in a system of oppression in the near future. I actaully think the more difficult part of this process won't be the material goods, but rather the space question. Our conception of land and property ownership and its conncetion to status make us loath to consider giving it to others without making them pay for it, to say nothing of yielding up what we've already laid claim to. Land control and exclusion have been key tools for those who are in power (or want to be) to maintain dominance over another person or group. Sharing and/or giving back use, rights and control over land is a critical component of addressing poverty in the US and abroad, and without recognizing and responding to that, we will never solve the problem.
4) Almost finally, there has to be the flexibility to determine the kinds of exchange systems that people want to establish related to meeting their basic needs. Beyond a fairly basic level, it's highly likely that any one person or family will need help from other members of their community in continuing to meet basic needs. (None of us are actually self-sufficient, even the most wealthy.) There should be a variety of accepted and easily facilitated ways to exchange between communities members - and preference should be placed on those systems that don't require money. Money not only represents distance between people and the goods or services they consume, but also between people themselves; it's a way to make exchange possible between people who don't know or trust each other enough to exchanges goods and services directly. We should encourage communities to form relationships that allow exchanges of trust with one another; this is true social capital, the stuff we're always trying to create in our communities.
5) Really finally, while a traditional capitalist market for manufacture and exchange may arise and thrive for non-essential/luxury goods, certain things must be protected from the vagaries of markets and ensured for our citizens at all times. This sounds like total blasphemy to our capitalist ears, but we already do this with one important aspect of essential citizen services - public education. We've made a societal commitment to providing public schools for every child no matter where they live or how rich they are, rather than leaving that up to someone's ability to generate a certain level of income. (Mind you, we've tied quality to income through the way that we fund and maintain said schools ... but at least part of the system was trying to head in the right direction.) What's odd is that we seem completely unwilling to provide that same universal assurance of access for other services even more essential, and without which it's unreasonably difficult to take advantage of public education: we recognize a right to education that must be protected, but not to housing, food, clothing or medical care. How do we expect a homeless, hungry, naked and sick person to get through schooling or training well?
I call this solution simple, and I think it is. It's tempting to say that we're going to need a huge new bureaucracy to manage all of this; but I'd argue that we have plenty of existing bureaucracy that can not only be used, but also simplified to focus on easily and quickly meeting these goals. The problem may not be so much complicated as just plain difficult, because of the radical change in our priorities and will to achieve them that all of the above assumes. (Yes, I'm back to radicalism again.)
At any rate, I've been writing this post all day, and missing pieces of conference sessions, so it's time to close out. I'll be thinking about this some more ... People may call me crazy, and hypocritical because my life doesn't look like this yet - but I still think there's a gem of truth here to be dug out and shared, and that it's important to shake it free.
I'm at my second conference in 3 weeks, as my high-travel post-employment period draws to a close and my schedule-free period begins. I'm listening to the panelists and responders in a fabulous presentation on community food systems and environmental justice, which is a topic that has grown increasingly near to my heart over the past couple years. And as I've been attending all these sessions at these two conferences about improving cities and designing communities and engaging all stakeholders, this recurring question of addressing poverty and its affects seems to lurk just below the surface of many discussions.
I mentioned tongue-in-cheek in a previous post that, following my rant against and intellectual non-producer class, I had also come up with a simple solution to poverty. This was only half in jest; as I was sitting in sessions later that day, I really started thinking about what poverty is and how we define it. We typically define it by income - but as with pretty much everything about money, that measurement is merely a proxy for the real issue at hand. To wit, I asked a friend: if you lived in the US and made only $15,000/year but you had secure access to safe, healthy, good quality housing, food, health care and education, are you actually poor? I'd argue not; poverty is not about any specific amount of wealth you have, but about whether your available resources allow you to reliably meet your basic needs.
Well, duh. Who would argue with that? But while we might all agree on that basic definition of poverty, I think we generally put our resources and efforts in the wrong place. The error starts with money, actually; we've forgotten that money is a proxy for real things, not a real thing itself. So we focus on solving poverty through "wealth creation": giving people ways to earn money to buy their basic needs. We think this is a much better long term alternative than just giving people food, housing, etc., directly ... and I'd agree with the idea that we don't want people to be dependent on others to get their basic needs and unable to be more self-sufficient.
Except: the phrase is "Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime," not "Teach a man to work a job that gets him money to buy fish and he eats for a lifetime." The fallacy is that having money to purchase the goods we need makes us independent; but it actually makes us totally dependent on a production and distribution system for basic goods that most of us don't understand and aren't involved in except at the very end stages. Not to mention that we are also dependent on the vagaries of the employment market to provide our income, over which we also have very little control.
I think a real solution to poverty and dependency would take out the money proxy and the middle man's profit that raises the barrier to goods, as much as could possibly be done. My solution to poverty has three pretty simple stages:
1) Provide basic necessities to those who lack them, immediately. Rent all the high-quality housing on the market for everyone currently defined as poor. Hire doctors, rent space to increase clinic capacity and buy equipent and supplies to provide free care for their medical needs. Buy all the food we can from local and organic farmers and distribute it for free to those who need it. Get everyone clothes and shoes appropriate for the climate they live in. Do all necessary school repairs for immediate health and safety, hire a huge number of the best teachers we can find and purchase all the up-to-date materials they need to teach the best classes to the poorest students. And don't tell me we lack the money to do it; we can always find money for whatever we decide is important enough to fund. We just dropped uncountable billions on the most asinine bailouts of the most irresponsible companies in the world; we could feed, house, heal and educate everyone in the country if we actually wanted to.
2) Once folks are initially settled into their homes, having regular healthy meals, receiving medical care and basic education, now we can start skills building, teaching people how to meet these basic needs for themselves: how to grow food; build; keep healthy and treat the sick; make clothes, furniture, and other household goods and tools; and how to share knowledge and civic responsibility with others in their community. I absolutely agree that it's critical to establish a level of independence and self-sufficiency where people can do as much as they can for themselves. I also agree with another principle behind "welfare-to-work" efforts: the time where you can depend on others to keep providing for you should be limited, and extended only in rare circumstances. Let's use 2 years as a time frame to start with, although it might not be the right one; during that time, after basic needs are initially met, anyone receiving services has to be actively participating in training toward being able to provide those services for themselves and others. Over the two years, they should move from being service provider trainees to the highly competent leaders and organizers of these services for their community. They should be building the new homes, schools, shops, clinics or hospitals, and governing and knowledge-transfer systems that they will need for themselves; and the outside helpers who were initially needed to provide those services will increasingly release responsibility and involvement to the people themselves.
3) In order to move from the emergency systems that were initially established to opportunities for ongoing self- and community-sufficiency, people need access to space and initial materials to build from. It's the 40 acres and a mule principle, which we're still paying for not properly implementing at the time: you can't just set someone loose from a position of systemic oppression, not give them some resources that can generate their future, and expect them not to end up back in a system of oppression in the near future. I actaully think the more difficult part of this process won't be the material goods, but rather the space question. Our conception of land and property ownership and its conncetion to status make us loath to consider giving it to others without making them pay for it, to say nothing of yielding up what we've already laid claim to. Land control and exclusion have been key tools for those who are in power (or want to be) to maintain dominance over another person or group. Sharing and/or giving back use, rights and control over land is a critical component of addressing poverty in the US and abroad, and without recognizing and responding to that, we will never solve the problem.
4) Almost finally, there has to be the flexibility to determine the kinds of exchange systems that people want to establish related to meeting their basic needs. Beyond a fairly basic level, it's highly likely that any one person or family will need help from other members of their community in continuing to meet basic needs. (None of us are actually self-sufficient, even the most wealthy.) There should be a variety of accepted and easily facilitated ways to exchange between communities members - and preference should be placed on those systems that don't require money. Money not only represents distance between people and the goods or services they consume, but also between people themselves; it's a way to make exchange possible between people who don't know or trust each other enough to exchanges goods and services directly. We should encourage communities to form relationships that allow exchanges of trust with one another; this is true social capital, the stuff we're always trying to create in our communities.
5) Really finally, while a traditional capitalist market for manufacture and exchange may arise and thrive for non-essential/luxury goods, certain things must be protected from the vagaries of markets and ensured for our citizens at all times. This sounds like total blasphemy to our capitalist ears, but we already do this with one important aspect of essential citizen services - public education. We've made a societal commitment to providing public schools for every child no matter where they live or how rich they are, rather than leaving that up to someone's ability to generate a certain level of income. (Mind you, we've tied quality to income through the way that we fund and maintain said schools ... but at least part of the system was trying to head in the right direction.) What's odd is that we seem completely unwilling to provide that same universal assurance of access for other services even more essential, and without which it's unreasonably difficult to take advantage of public education: we recognize a right to education that must be protected, but not to housing, food, clothing or medical care. How do we expect a homeless, hungry, naked and sick person to get through schooling or training well?
I call this solution simple, and I think it is. It's tempting to say that we're going to need a huge new bureaucracy to manage all of this; but I'd argue that we have plenty of existing bureaucracy that can not only be used, but also simplified to focus on easily and quickly meeting these goals. The problem may not be so much complicated as just plain difficult, because of the radical change in our priorities and will to achieve them that all of the above assumes. (Yes, I'm back to radicalism again.)
At any rate, I've been writing this post all day, and missing pieces of conference sessions, so it's time to close out. I'll be thinking about this some more ... People may call me crazy, and hypocritical because my life doesn't look like this yet - but I still think there's a gem of truth here to be dug out and shared, and that it's important to shake it free.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
The Plan
(No, not the Cylon plan to destroy the human race ... for that, you'll have to wait for the upcoming BSG movie!!)
Things are quickly settling down as to where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the coming months; this period of my life is quite exciting and fun, as it combines the peace and enjoyment of resting and waiting to see what God puts into place with the surprise of discovering exactly what those next pieces will be. It's like Christmas presents: I know what I put on my wish list, but I never know what gifts I've gotten until the day comes and the package is opened.
Gift #1: I got into grad school! Full time in the Master in Public Administration program at Suffolk University. I found out just a day or two before I went down to see my family in DC/VA, after anxiously watching the mail for weeks.
Gift #2: I got money for grad school! About half of my tuition is covered by a grant/employment fellowship, which totally rocks and makes school quite feasible. I'll still have to take out some loans, but not nearly what I was afraid I might have to do. I'm also going to see if I can try to get another on campus job a few hours a week (ideally, in some way related to what I'm studying) or, alternatively, a little outside job (again, hopefully related to my field, but not so involved that it distracts from my studies) to help with the bills. But the bottom line (no pun intended) is that I should be able to stay in Boston and in my current apartment for the fall.
Gift #3: I still get to spend time in VA with my family! Killing two birds with one stone, I'm going to help my sister out by watching my nephew in July and August (eliminating day care costs and allowing her to work an extra job during those months), and I help myself out by subletting my place so I don't have to worry about paying rent and utilities out of my limited cash reserve for that same period. In a special bonus benefit, I get to be near my other sister while I'm helping her with the wedding planning, and I'll get to see my parents and youngest sister all throughout the summer. So, if you know anyone looking for a July and August sublet, drop me a line! :-)
All in all, it's been a delight to keep seeing what happens next, and to do it in a different way than my normal angsty, trying to figure out how to make everything work, trying to create the options for myself kind of way. I have the blessed luxury of resting - not being lazy or inattentive, but being content in where I am at the moment and knowing that when the next step comes, it will be clear to me and I'll be ready and able to take action. There are still some things that I get nervous about at times - will I find the right sub-letter? do I have enough money to get all the way to September? will I have enough time to get back to Boston and settle in before school? will my relationship with my boyfriend change because of the time apart? - but I'm doing pretty well at turning those worries back over when they pop up. And I remain very, very happy; there's no doubt in my mind that I left my job at the right time, and everything I've done since then has been wonderful time with family, friends and new people I meet. My mom's still a bit concerned for me, but I think she's getting used to my new-found free-time status.
*****
Speaking of free time status, I realized after two weeks of a rather variable waking-dressing-leaving the house routine, I have to give myself a bit more structure. For June, I'd like to make sure I get up, take an exercise walk around the neighborhood, fix myself breakfast and shower and dress before 11AM. For July and August, a friend just inspired me to plan some regular weekly activities for me and my nephew. Not necessarily getting up at the same time every day, but having a day where we go walking or biking around the neighborhood; a day where we go to the library; a day when we go visit my parents at their apartment (and take advantage of the pool in their complex); a day when we go into DC for activities at the museums or other cool places. Hopefully, it will keep us both from watching the Disney Channel and playing Xbox all day ... Although there's sure to be some of that, too!
Things are quickly settling down as to where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the coming months; this period of my life is quite exciting and fun, as it combines the peace and enjoyment of resting and waiting to see what God puts into place with the surprise of discovering exactly what those next pieces will be. It's like Christmas presents: I know what I put on my wish list, but I never know what gifts I've gotten until the day comes and the package is opened.
Gift #1: I got into grad school! Full time in the Master in Public Administration program at Suffolk University. I found out just a day or two before I went down to see my family in DC/VA, after anxiously watching the mail for weeks.
Gift #2: I got money for grad school! About half of my tuition is covered by a grant/employment fellowship, which totally rocks and makes school quite feasible. I'll still have to take out some loans, but not nearly what I was afraid I might have to do. I'm also going to see if I can try to get another on campus job a few hours a week (ideally, in some way related to what I'm studying) or, alternatively, a little outside job (again, hopefully related to my field, but not so involved that it distracts from my studies) to help with the bills. But the bottom line (no pun intended) is that I should be able to stay in Boston and in my current apartment for the fall.
Gift #3: I still get to spend time in VA with my family! Killing two birds with one stone, I'm going to help my sister out by watching my nephew in July and August (eliminating day care costs and allowing her to work an extra job during those months), and I help myself out by subletting my place so I don't have to worry about paying rent and utilities out of my limited cash reserve for that same period. In a special bonus benefit, I get to be near my other sister while I'm helping her with the wedding planning, and I'll get to see my parents and youngest sister all throughout the summer. So, if you know anyone looking for a July and August sublet, drop me a line! :-)
All in all, it's been a delight to keep seeing what happens next, and to do it in a different way than my normal angsty, trying to figure out how to make everything work, trying to create the options for myself kind of way. I have the blessed luxury of resting - not being lazy or inattentive, but being content in where I am at the moment and knowing that when the next step comes, it will be clear to me and I'll be ready and able to take action. There are still some things that I get nervous about at times - will I find the right sub-letter? do I have enough money to get all the way to September? will I have enough time to get back to Boston and settle in before school? will my relationship with my boyfriend change because of the time apart? - but I'm doing pretty well at turning those worries back over when they pop up. And I remain very, very happy; there's no doubt in my mind that I left my job at the right time, and everything I've done since then has been wonderful time with family, friends and new people I meet. My mom's still a bit concerned for me, but I think she's getting used to my new-found free-time status.
*****
Speaking of free time status, I realized after two weeks of a rather variable waking-dressing-leaving the house routine, I have to give myself a bit more structure. For June, I'd like to make sure I get up, take an exercise walk around the neighborhood, fix myself breakfast and shower and dress before 11AM. For July and August, a friend just inspired me to plan some regular weekly activities for me and my nephew. Not necessarily getting up at the same time every day, but having a day where we go walking or biking around the neighborhood; a day where we go to the library; a day when we go visit my parents at their apartment (and take advantage of the pool in their complex); a day when we go into DC for activities at the museums or other cool places. Hopefully, it will keep us both from watching the Disney Channel and playing Xbox all day ... Although there's sure to be some of that, too!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
What to do?
So, I just finished up this conference of young urban leaders from around the country, who are all doing pretty good things. As usual, I started holding forth in a conversation about the radical restructuring of our society; and a fellow Vanguard quite reasonably asked how much I was doing some of these radical things in my own life. I made some response about works in progress and the need for a community to exchange with, blah blah blah. The honest answer is that my life is still not particularly radical ... But I appreciate the question, because it prompted me to reflect more on this new radically just and sustainable lifestyle I keep talking about, and whether or not I'm really moving toward it.
There have been some changes, albeit pretty incremental (darn those incrementalist for being right! at least this time). I pay more attention to my energy use, waste disposal, and the source of my food (often) and clothes (much less often). My Lent resolution helped me get back into tithing, and realizing that I have abundant resources I can give to others. But I live mostly the same: same nice house and neighborhood (no sharing the lot of the poor by living among them), frequent spending of my disposable income on non-necessities (no curbing my expenses to give away even more), lots of accumulated possessions (no large-scale disposition of stuff to simplify my life). I'm a big one for insisting that making radical change is just a matter of firm decision; but apparently it's a decision I have no small amount of trouble making.
This is a frustratingly slow process that often makes me feel quite hypocritical. If there's anything that this recent experience with my faith and job has taught me, it's that the Lord will change my heart and give me the grace to make the right choice at the right time; I suppose I'm just eagerly awaiting the period where he starts to strip me of some of these cultural and material encumbrances. Wait, maybe I don't exactly mean eager ...
*****
This is sort of related to the above, but also not. I've always thought that my real vocation should be philosopher more than anything else; I want to be able to think and talk and write about things and encourage others to think about them, too and put them into practice. It's kind of why I want to go back to grad school, for the freedom to think more.
But as I was also railing in the above-mentioned conversation about people who generate intellectual "products" but no useful goods or services to meet the basic needs of themselves or others (i.e., dependent on a producer class so I can be an intellectual leader whose needs are provided for in exchange for my beneficent wisdom and rule), I decided I'd better start learning to produce some things. So I'll see if I can use this free time to become a philosopher-maker (as opposed to philosopher-king).
In another bit of randomly inspired goal-setting, here's what I'd love to do by the end of the summer:
1) Learn to cook. I can prepare some very basic meals, but I lack a general understanding of how to cook meat well (especially poultry) or how to season anything with some modicum of deliberateness. I'd like to feel like if you dropped me in a kitchen with a random assortment of common meats, vegetables and spices, I could create something passably tasty.
2) Learn to make something with my hands. My first thoughts are learning to sew or knit ... I feel like I lack a basic level of self-sufficiency with not being able to sew properly. I also feel like I could make cool, useful things for myself or other people if I could knit.
*****
My last set of revelations for the day, besides a simple solution to poverty, had to do with the need to get really civically involved in my city. I need to know and have talked to my alderman; I need to start attending some of these public meetings and keeping myself informed; I need to subscribe to my local paper. I was also railing at a different point during the day about how we aren't active enough as citizens and we don't acknowledge our responsibility to be consistently engaged in our own governance. Again, if I'm to avoid being a total hypocrite, it's about time I did some more of that active citizenship myself.
There have been some changes, albeit pretty incremental (darn those incrementalist for being right! at least this time). I pay more attention to my energy use, waste disposal, and the source of my food (often) and clothes (much less often). My Lent resolution helped me get back into tithing, and realizing that I have abundant resources I can give to others. But I live mostly the same: same nice house and neighborhood (no sharing the lot of the poor by living among them), frequent spending of my disposable income on non-necessities (no curbing my expenses to give away even more), lots of accumulated possessions (no large-scale disposition of stuff to simplify my life). I'm a big one for insisting that making radical change is just a matter of firm decision; but apparently it's a decision I have no small amount of trouble making.
This is a frustratingly slow process that often makes me feel quite hypocritical. If there's anything that this recent experience with my faith and job has taught me, it's that the Lord will change my heart and give me the grace to make the right choice at the right time; I suppose I'm just eagerly awaiting the period where he starts to strip me of some of these cultural and material encumbrances. Wait, maybe I don't exactly mean eager ...
*****
This is sort of related to the above, but also not. I've always thought that my real vocation should be philosopher more than anything else; I want to be able to think and talk and write about things and encourage others to think about them, too and put them into practice. It's kind of why I want to go back to grad school, for the freedom to think more.
But as I was also railing in the above-mentioned conversation about people who generate intellectual "products" but no useful goods or services to meet the basic needs of themselves or others (i.e., dependent on a producer class so I can be an intellectual leader whose needs are provided for in exchange for my beneficent wisdom and rule), I decided I'd better start learning to produce some things. So I'll see if I can use this free time to become a philosopher-maker (as opposed to philosopher-king).
In another bit of randomly inspired goal-setting, here's what I'd love to do by the end of the summer:
1) Learn to cook. I can prepare some very basic meals, but I lack a general understanding of how to cook meat well (especially poultry) or how to season anything with some modicum of deliberateness. I'd like to feel like if you dropped me in a kitchen with a random assortment of common meats, vegetables and spices, I could create something passably tasty.
2) Learn to make something with my hands. My first thoughts are learning to sew or knit ... I feel like I lack a basic level of self-sufficiency with not being able to sew properly. I also feel like I could make cool, useful things for myself or other people if I could knit.
*****
My last set of revelations for the day, besides a simple solution to poverty, had to do with the need to get really civically involved in my city. I need to know and have talked to my alderman; I need to start attending some of these public meetings and keeping myself informed; I need to subscribe to my local paper. I was also railing at a different point during the day about how we aren't active enough as citizens and we don't acknowledge our responsibility to be consistently engaged in our own governance. Again, if I'm to avoid being a total hypocrite, it's about time I did some more of that active citizenship myself.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Everything I learned about leaving, I learned from Scrubs
Last week was the Scrubs season - possibly series - finale, with lead actor Zach Braff doing his last episode. It was a pretty emotional little moment for me, because I absolutely love Scrubs, and if it doesn't come back for another season, I'll be really sad. Even if it does come back, it will definitely be different, and it'll be interesting to see how they re-form the show with a new dynamic. The finale included at the end little outtakes from the final shooting, and clips of the season wrap moments for various actors. I unashamedly admit that I teared up, particularly at the one with Judy Reyes (who oddly, I saw just a week later in an episode of Castle, where she was a totally different kind of character ... nice contrast).
When I woke up in the morning, I discovered I was still agitated with the emotions from the previous night. Yes, some of it was for the show it self (I do seriously love it), but the rest had to do with the resonance the show had for my own personal situation, and some things I had to resolve about leaving a place where I've invested a lot of my time, evergy and self.
[SPOLIER WARNING: If you haven't watched the Scrubs finale and don't want to know what happens until you do, don't keep reading.]
As J.D. prepares for his last day at Sacred Heart, he is looking forward to a day that will appropriately mark the end of 8 years of learning, growing and contributing in this place. The experiences he went through, both personal and professional, were so significant to him, and he wants someone to sum these years up in their actions that day (as he usually does in his voiceovers). There are funny bits about his friend Turk starting off with a big farewell gesture and trying to maintain that intesity throughout the day ... but for the most part, the J.D.'s final day at Sacred Heart is disappointingly normal. Except for one or two small (but touching) moments with close friends, no one really remarks on what is happening; there's no party, no sendoff, no occasion created to show how much he was loved and respected. (There are some other funny bits on this point, about sendoffs for other folks who are going on maternity leave or week-long trips.) J.D. does manage to engineer a final tribute speech from his gruff mentor (and his long-desired hug), but in the end, he has to make his own quiet peace with leaving.
My agitation of the morning after was my own realization that my final days were likely to be much like J.D.'s - largely quiet, unmarked, a business as usual for the rest of the world. No one from my organization was going to fete me or shower me with flowers, tributes and awards; there would be no giant announcement lamenting my departure; and I was going to walk out of the office without ceremony, to go on to the rest of my evening and my life. I was a little bitter that morning, because I thought that someone ought to honor me, gosh darn it; but as my sister reminded me, I had to be at peace with the choice that I had made, and not dependent on others to validate my time here.
She was right, although I hated to hear it at the time and thought she was being very unsympathetic. :-) But my decision to leave my job wasn't a power play to get people to recognize me, or a way to say a giant screw-you to the people I worked with, or with the intention of watching the organization crumble in my absence. I'm leaving because I reached a moment when it was clear that my time at the organization was done, and even though it seems strange to leave a secure job in an uncertain economy without another prospect lined up right away, I feel very confident and at peace that this way the absolute right decision. I feel like God was preparing the way all this time; it was kind of fascinating to me how on Easter Sunday I finally felt reconciled with him, and then that Tuesday I had a meeting where it became clear that it was time to go. At first, I said, "Wait, you take me from all that joy to this crappy day?" But it was actually perfect timing ... I'd been going through this conversation with myself and my board about leaving for months, since almost a year ago, and agonizing and trying to figure out alternate solutions and line up other possibilities. It never seemed to work out where I could feel comfortable leaving; but when this day came in April and I came out of that meeting, the decision was so clear that it was hardly a decision at all, just the obvious thing I was supposed to do next.
Since then, I haven't really had any doubts, and I've been almost unbelievably happy. I don't know if I've gotten into grad school; I don't know if I'm going to have income to be able to stay in Boston through the summer, let alone beyond that; I might have to make a major move back to Virginia to be with my family. But none of that troubles or worries me; in fact, the only times I felt agita during this whole process was when people tried to suggest that maybe I should stay on a couple more months (which raised a horrible twisting feeling inside), and when I wasn't quite letting go of a project that I've been working on and felt a real investment in (kept me tossing and turning over the past weekend, until I realized that all that tossing and turning was a sign that I was taking a wrong approach, and I realized that God would either make a way for me to continue to be involved that felt absolutely right, or He wouldn't and I wasn't meant to keep being involved). Spiritually, God restored my relationship with Him so that I could have complete faith in what He is doing during this time; and financially, God gave me some extra cushion that I would usually never have, which allows me to spend the next few weeks without worry.
And that's that. I don't yet know what He's doing with me or where He plans for me to be, and tomorrow is my last day at my job - but I can't wait to see what the days after tomorrow will bring. I'll keep you all posted ... withouth this whole distracting "work" thing, I have much more time ot spend online. ;-)
When I woke up in the morning, I discovered I was still agitated with the emotions from the previous night. Yes, some of it was for the show it self (I do seriously love it), but the rest had to do with the resonance the show had for my own personal situation, and some things I had to resolve about leaving a place where I've invested a lot of my time, evergy and self.
[SPOLIER WARNING: If you haven't watched the Scrubs finale and don't want to know what happens until you do, don't keep reading.]
As J.D. prepares for his last day at Sacred Heart, he is looking forward to a day that will appropriately mark the end of 8 years of learning, growing and contributing in this place. The experiences he went through, both personal and professional, were so significant to him, and he wants someone to sum these years up in their actions that day (as he usually does in his voiceovers). There are funny bits about his friend Turk starting off with a big farewell gesture and trying to maintain that intesity throughout the day ... but for the most part, the J.D.'s final day at Sacred Heart is disappointingly normal. Except for one or two small (but touching) moments with close friends, no one really remarks on what is happening; there's no party, no sendoff, no occasion created to show how much he was loved and respected. (There are some other funny bits on this point, about sendoffs for other folks who are going on maternity leave or week-long trips.) J.D. does manage to engineer a final tribute speech from his gruff mentor (and his long-desired hug), but in the end, he has to make his own quiet peace with leaving.
My agitation of the morning after was my own realization that my final days were likely to be much like J.D.'s - largely quiet, unmarked, a business as usual for the rest of the world. No one from my organization was going to fete me or shower me with flowers, tributes and awards; there would be no giant announcement lamenting my departure; and I was going to walk out of the office without ceremony, to go on to the rest of my evening and my life. I was a little bitter that morning, because I thought that someone ought to honor me, gosh darn it; but as my sister reminded me, I had to be at peace with the choice that I had made, and not dependent on others to validate my time here.
She was right, although I hated to hear it at the time and thought she was being very unsympathetic. :-) But my decision to leave my job wasn't a power play to get people to recognize me, or a way to say a giant screw-you to the people I worked with, or with the intention of watching the organization crumble in my absence. I'm leaving because I reached a moment when it was clear that my time at the organization was done, and even though it seems strange to leave a secure job in an uncertain economy without another prospect lined up right away, I feel very confident and at peace that this way the absolute right decision. I feel like God was preparing the way all this time; it was kind of fascinating to me how on Easter Sunday I finally felt reconciled with him, and then that Tuesday I had a meeting where it became clear that it was time to go. At first, I said, "Wait, you take me from all that joy to this crappy day?" But it was actually perfect timing ... I'd been going through this conversation with myself and my board about leaving for months, since almost a year ago, and agonizing and trying to figure out alternate solutions and line up other possibilities. It never seemed to work out where I could feel comfortable leaving; but when this day came in April and I came out of that meeting, the decision was so clear that it was hardly a decision at all, just the obvious thing I was supposed to do next.
Since then, I haven't really had any doubts, and I've been almost unbelievably happy. I don't know if I've gotten into grad school; I don't know if I'm going to have income to be able to stay in Boston through the summer, let alone beyond that; I might have to make a major move back to Virginia to be with my family. But none of that troubles or worries me; in fact, the only times I felt agita during this whole process was when people tried to suggest that maybe I should stay on a couple more months (which raised a horrible twisting feeling inside), and when I wasn't quite letting go of a project that I've been working on and felt a real investment in (kept me tossing and turning over the past weekend, until I realized that all that tossing and turning was a sign that I was taking a wrong approach, and I realized that God would either make a way for me to continue to be involved that felt absolutely right, or He wouldn't and I wasn't meant to keep being involved). Spiritually, God restored my relationship with Him so that I could have complete faith in what He is doing during this time; and financially, God gave me some extra cushion that I would usually never have, which allows me to spend the next few weeks without worry.
And that's that. I don't yet know what He's doing with me or where He plans for me to be, and tomorrow is my last day at my job - but I can't wait to see what the days after tomorrow will bring. I'll keep you all posted ... withouth this whole distracting "work" thing, I have much more time ot spend online. ;-)
God's Victories
This past Sunday at church, a young woman getting baptized gave a beautiful testimony about her coming to faith in Christ. As she spoke, she mentioned not only the joy of discovering and abiding in Him, but also the struggles that she had in her journey. There were times when she truly felt the devil was reaching out to try and draw her away from the new life that God was giving her; but she triumphantly hailed her presence at the baptismal ceremony that day as "one of God's victories."
It seems the best way to describe my journey over the past several weeks - and years - as well. The period of confusion, doubt, dismay, distrust and rebellion that I've gone through over the past two years took me to a place where I came the closest I think I ever have to wondering about the very existence of God. I certainly wasn't convinced of His beneficence, at least toward me; I was pretty sure He was actively ignoring my needs and pleas, and possibly trying to see how much He could throw at me before I just gave up and killed myself. And those weeks where I decided to go back to church for Lent ... yikes. That was awful.
Right up until the end. Somehow, when we got to Palm Sunday and that last Holy Week, something shifted. I honestly can't describe what: I don't know that I had a giant revelation, or that something I hadn't heard or understood before became especially clear, or that I heard a voice telling me everything would be OK. But starting with Palm Sunday, I was able to hear praise songs without bitterness and anger, and I was able to listen to Scripture and find that there was something good in it for me. Going to Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services felt like part of my own walk that I was taking out of darkness and into what was promised after, and when Easter cam at home with my family, I was able to sing again with a sincere and joyful heart.
I could propose a bunch of different theories: God wanted me to have a deeper understanding of suffering as Christ experienced it. I needed to confront all that bitterness and disappointment by going back to church instead of ignoring it. I had some faith lesson that I had to finally work through to get to the right answer. I guess if an explanation, a "reason" is needed to help this make sense to someone, I can pick one of those. By my simpler answer is that God healed my spirit, by His grace, in a way that I don't really understand but am incredibly thankful for. I don't know exactly why I can trust Him again, but I know that I can, and that knowledge gives me incredible joy and peace.
So much joy and peace that I can leave my job at the end of this week and feel very confident about the future. There's a teaser ending for you, huh? :-)
It seems the best way to describe my journey over the past several weeks - and years - as well. The period of confusion, doubt, dismay, distrust and rebellion that I've gone through over the past two years took me to a place where I came the closest I think I ever have to wondering about the very existence of God. I certainly wasn't convinced of His beneficence, at least toward me; I was pretty sure He was actively ignoring my needs and pleas, and possibly trying to see how much He could throw at me before I just gave up and killed myself. And those weeks where I decided to go back to church for Lent ... yikes. That was awful.
Right up until the end. Somehow, when we got to Palm Sunday and that last Holy Week, something shifted. I honestly can't describe what: I don't know that I had a giant revelation, or that something I hadn't heard or understood before became especially clear, or that I heard a voice telling me everything would be OK. But starting with Palm Sunday, I was able to hear praise songs without bitterness and anger, and I was able to listen to Scripture and find that there was something good in it for me. Going to Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services felt like part of my own walk that I was taking out of darkness and into what was promised after, and when Easter cam at home with my family, I was able to sing again with a sincere and joyful heart.
I could propose a bunch of different theories: God wanted me to have a deeper understanding of suffering as Christ experienced it. I needed to confront all that bitterness and disappointment by going back to church instead of ignoring it. I had some faith lesson that I had to finally work through to get to the right answer. I guess if an explanation, a "reason" is needed to help this make sense to someone, I can pick one of those. By my simpler answer is that God healed my spirit, by His grace, in a way that I don't really understand but am incredibly thankful for. I don't know exactly why I can trust Him again, but I know that I can, and that knowledge gives me incredible joy and peace.
So much joy and peace that I can leave my job at the end of this week and feel very confident about the future. There's a teaser ending for you, huh? :-)
Monday, April 27, 2009
BTW ...
... I have plenty of post-Easter news, but it's all so big I don't quite know where to start writing about it. The quick and dirty summary is:
- I feel much better spiritually, and am not fighting with God anymore.
- I decided to leave my job.
- I am still struggling with the whole "having community" thing, and I may choose to resolve that struggle by moving back to be near my family.
Healthy Lifestyle Update #3
OK, so I haven't posted about this in a while, mostly because I've been doing an abysmal job keeping my healthy lifestyle resolutions. So, in the spirit of any annual resolution, I'm trying to get back on the wagon now that spring is here and the sun is making me feel more inspired.
Today is the first day of my new healthy lunch plan. I've been struggling with this, because I have a hard time finding things that a) I like to eat, b) are healthy for me, and c) require almost no preparation. I was doing OK with making sandwiches for a while, but finding lunch meat that didn't have a giant cupful of sodium is quite difficult, and the packs that I did find were expensive and tiny.
So then I feel off the wagon, and starting eating burritos every day, plus the occasional fast food breakdown (in my defense, it was very occasional, like, twice in total). And I didn't have any food at home to cook (again, must meet criteria a, b and c), so Lord knows what I ate out/ordered in to satisfy my meal requirements. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty, and when I discovered over Easter weekend during dress fittings for my sister's wedding that I'd gone up another dress size, I was very, very unhappy.
Two weeks later, here I am, trying to establish a reasonable eating plan (and get myself a dress size down, because I refused to order a dress in the size that fits me right now ... don't judge me for being a little irrational). I don't know if this quite counts as balanced, but I'm going with hardboiled eggs and oatmeal or cereal (in an appropriate portion) in the AM; another hardboiled egg and tuna/carrot/lettuce salad for lunch; trail mix of nuts and dried fruit for a little snacking when needed; and pasta or rice with tuna (and some greens, when I remember to make them) for dinner. Portion control is equally important for lunch and dinner, although I feel pretty OK if I decide to gorge myself on carrots (not so much on rice or pasta, though). I'm trying to get in good protein, fruits and veggies, the healthy-for-you oils and some not-too-evil carbs. As another snacking or breakfast option, I also have cantaloupe.
When I eat out - which I want to reduce for cost as well as health reasons - I'm working to focus more on salad-y type items with chicken, and less on red meat and carbs. Also, since the weather is nicer now, I'm trying to get back on my walking program, and to try and take at least one longer weekend walk, too.
On that note, here's a cruel contradiction (which may include a little TMI, so forewarned is forearmed as usual on my blog): because I'm a lady of ample thighs, they move back anfd forth against each other when I walk, and during the summer when I'm not wearing pants or stockings, it causes irritation. In a terrible trick of fate, this happens because I actually do walk around quite a lot, but it also happens because I apparently don't walk (or do other forms of exercise) quite enough to lose the thigh weight. So amazingly, the problem is the result of being both too active and not active enough, all at the same time. Ay, there's the rub ... literally. :-(
At any rate, so far today my lunch and breakfast have been tasty and filling, and I walked home from the store with my groceries last night; I hope it's a good sign. I was a little disappointed that my healthy eats weren't quite as healthy-earth as I wanted them to be; my carrots, lettuce, cantaloupe and tuna definitely don't qualify as local eating. With the advent of summer and the farmer's market season, I'm looking forward to being able to go more local on some of those items over the next 4-6 months.
Today is the first day of my new healthy lunch plan. I've been struggling with this, because I have a hard time finding things that a) I like to eat, b) are healthy for me, and c) require almost no preparation. I was doing OK with making sandwiches for a while, but finding lunch meat that didn't have a giant cupful of sodium is quite difficult, and the packs that I did find were expensive and tiny.
So then I feel off the wagon, and starting eating burritos every day, plus the occasional fast food breakdown (in my defense, it was very occasional, like, twice in total). And I didn't have any food at home to cook (again, must meet criteria a, b and c), so Lord knows what I ate out/ordered in to satisfy my meal requirements. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty, and when I discovered over Easter weekend during dress fittings for my sister's wedding that I'd gone up another dress size, I was very, very unhappy.
Two weeks later, here I am, trying to establish a reasonable eating plan (and get myself a dress size down, because I refused to order a dress in the size that fits me right now ... don't judge me for being a little irrational). I don't know if this quite counts as balanced, but I'm going with hardboiled eggs and oatmeal or cereal (in an appropriate portion) in the AM; another hardboiled egg and tuna/carrot/lettuce salad for lunch; trail mix of nuts and dried fruit for a little snacking when needed; and pasta or rice with tuna (and some greens, when I remember to make them) for dinner. Portion control is equally important for lunch and dinner, although I feel pretty OK if I decide to gorge myself on carrots (not so much on rice or pasta, though). I'm trying to get in good protein, fruits and veggies, the healthy-for-you oils and some not-too-evil carbs. As another snacking or breakfast option, I also have cantaloupe.
When I eat out - which I want to reduce for cost as well as health reasons - I'm working to focus more on salad-y type items with chicken, and less on red meat and carbs. Also, since the weather is nicer now, I'm trying to get back on my walking program, and to try and take at least one longer weekend walk, too.
On that note, here's a cruel contradiction (which may include a little TMI, so forewarned is forearmed as usual on my blog): because I'm a lady of ample thighs, they move back anfd forth against each other when I walk, and during the summer when I'm not wearing pants or stockings, it causes irritation. In a terrible trick of fate, this happens because I actually do walk around quite a lot, but it also happens because I apparently don't walk (or do other forms of exercise) quite enough to lose the thigh weight. So amazingly, the problem is the result of being both too active and not active enough, all at the same time. Ay, there's the rub ... literally. :-(
At any rate, so far today my lunch and breakfast have been tasty and filling, and I walked home from the store with my groceries last night; I hope it's a good sign. I was a little disappointed that my healthy eats weren't quite as healthy-earth as I wanted them to be; my carrots, lettuce, cantaloupe and tuna definitely don't qualify as local eating. With the advent of summer and the farmer's market season, I'm looking forward to being able to go more local on some of those items over the next 4-6 months.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I don't hate markets. I just don't believe they bring justice or balance.
Commerce - in the broad sense of people making exchanges with other people for things that you want - has been around for millenia, and seems to be a pretty fundamental human social activity. It's not a bad idea at all; in fact, it's essential because very few if any of us have the skills to do everything we need in our life for ourselves. Markets - again, in the broad sense of vehicles for facilitating these exchanges on a larger scale, whether they are physical or virtual - are a very useful tool.
But none of that says anything about how our society - which includes these markets and exchanges - should function. Markets are just things, like forks, that don't have much value except in how they are used and the results of that use. If I use my fork to put food in my mouth and I get fed, it's a great tool; if I use my fork to stab you in the eye and you end up blind, it's not a good thing at all. Forks are not intrinsically good ... but they are generally considered positives in our society, because they result in vastly more feeding and than stabbing.
Markets are not intrinsically good either; so in the evaluation of our "free market" economy, we have to ask how they are used and what they produce. Right now, our markets produce two main things, in my opinion: lots and lots of throwaway goods, and exponentially growing inequality in access to resources. In fairness, the market also results in lots of "jobs", but the quality of those jobs varies widely, and the distribution of that quality also tends to be very unequal across different groups of people.
What makes a good market are the underlying principles that are built into its rules (and their enforcement). The rules surrounding appropriate use of forks place a severe penalty on using them to stab people, so stabbings are few. The lack of rules in the definition of our current markets of exchange to penalize environmental damage or gross pay disparities between a CEO of a company and the factory workers who make that company's products mean that those behaviors are rampant in the way that people operate in our markets.
The rules that we have in our markets prioritize individualism and self-interest; make lowest cost and biggest profit the highest goal with the best reward; encourage low quality and continual waste; and ignore diffuse costs in evaluating costs and benefits. The rules that we should have need to prioritize honesty and integrity; respect individual liberties but prioritize the public good as the goal of the market; require equitable sharing of the direct and diffuse rewards and costs of the market among the individuals and groups who participate; set high quality standards for the content, function, useful life and production methods of products and services exchanged. Finally, these rules must be enforced; the value placed on goods and services exchanged must be tied to these principles so that the best behaviors are rewarded; and penalties for violating these principles, in spirit as well as in letter, must be severe.
Some folks will argue that all of this fetters the market's "free" operation and keep people from exercising their preferences. But let's be real: the market is not free. It is very directly influenced by subsidies, regulations, loopholes, and indirectly influenced by cultural standards, that privilege certain behaviors over others. Those who are currently benefiting the most from the existing system would like to convince us that protecting the system protects our right to choose; but what they are protecting is their right to determine our range of options to maximize their own benefit.
If we're going to institute rules for our markets - which we will always do - then let's institute the ones that make our markets and the people who participate in them healthy, stable and sustaining. And if we're not willing to do that, then let's at least admit that we are choosing to be sick and broken, and take responsibility for the destruction we wreak. The current state of our system is a surprise only to those who were deliberately ignoring the reality of the world around them.
But none of that says anything about how our society - which includes these markets and exchanges - should function. Markets are just things, like forks, that don't have much value except in how they are used and the results of that use. If I use my fork to put food in my mouth and I get fed, it's a great tool; if I use my fork to stab you in the eye and you end up blind, it's not a good thing at all. Forks are not intrinsically good ... but they are generally considered positives in our society, because they result in vastly more feeding and than stabbing.
Markets are not intrinsically good either; so in the evaluation of our "free market" economy, we have to ask how they are used and what they produce. Right now, our markets produce two main things, in my opinion: lots and lots of throwaway goods, and exponentially growing inequality in access to resources. In fairness, the market also results in lots of "jobs", but the quality of those jobs varies widely, and the distribution of that quality also tends to be very unequal across different groups of people.
What makes a good market are the underlying principles that are built into its rules (and their enforcement). The rules surrounding appropriate use of forks place a severe penalty on using them to stab people, so stabbings are few. The lack of rules in the definition of our current markets of exchange to penalize environmental damage or gross pay disparities between a CEO of a company and the factory workers who make that company's products mean that those behaviors are rampant in the way that people operate in our markets.
The rules that we have in our markets prioritize individualism and self-interest; make lowest cost and biggest profit the highest goal with the best reward; encourage low quality and continual waste; and ignore diffuse costs in evaluating costs and benefits. The rules that we should have need to prioritize honesty and integrity; respect individual liberties but prioritize the public good as the goal of the market; require equitable sharing of the direct and diffuse rewards and costs of the market among the individuals and groups who participate; set high quality standards for the content, function, useful life and production methods of products and services exchanged. Finally, these rules must be enforced; the value placed on goods and services exchanged must be tied to these principles so that the best behaviors are rewarded; and penalties for violating these principles, in spirit as well as in letter, must be severe.
Some folks will argue that all of this fetters the market's "free" operation and keep people from exercising their preferences. But let's be real: the market is not free. It is very directly influenced by subsidies, regulations, loopholes, and indirectly influenced by cultural standards, that privilege certain behaviors over others. Those who are currently benefiting the most from the existing system would like to convince us that protecting the system protects our right to choose; but what they are protecting is their right to determine our range of options to maximize their own benefit.
If we're going to institute rules for our markets - which we will always do - then let's institute the ones that make our markets and the people who participate in them healthy, stable and sustaining. And if we're not willing to do that, then let's at least admit that we are choosing to be sick and broken, and take responsibility for the destruction we wreak. The current state of our system is a surprise only to those who were deliberately ignoring the reality of the world around them.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Geography of Nowhere
Time to switch topics! Let's talk urban design.
So, the weekend before this past one, I was spending a couple of days in Virginia with my sister following a business meeting in DC. In a departure from most of Northern Virginia, my sister happens to live in a place where you can actually walk to do errands. There's a whole shopping plaza just a couple of short blocks away, and its even one of those New Urbanism-inspired ones where they try to make it look like a little village and include sidewalks around the seas of parking so you can in fact walk from store to store, even the Home Depot. Sarcasm about the architectural results aside, it is a much better amenity that what I see just about anywhere else in the region. (Excepting places, of course, that have actual town or neighborhood centers still standing, like traditional Reston. Oh, and don't get me started on Reston "Town Center".)
Anyway, so I was walking home from the grocery store with my nephew, and came upon this little intersection:
This is actually a view back the way I came, walking along the sidewalk pictured here. The building to the right-hand side of the picture is the library, I think; there's also some sort of public building and a church on that side, so I tend to forget what order they go in. On the left-hand side of the picture you can see the shopping center from which we recently departed. Again, not the best architecture or the friendliest street, but it's nice to have all of these things so close by.
In a different direction across the intersection, you can see that this is also one of the denser reidential developments you'll find in the area; while most places are single-family house on lots ranging from a postage stamp to an envelope, here, we have a mix of town-homes, apartments, and a little hotel across the way.
In these two views, you can see the housing and another view of the shopping center. You can also see the sidewalks, which are very important to note in light of the next image:
Now, I spent a lot of my growing up time in Northern Virginia; ten years. I'm incredibly familiar with the disappearing sidewalk problem, where you're walking on one side of the street, and then the sidewalk on that side disappears, and you have to cross to the other side of the street. LEED-ND (a new "green" rating system for neighborhood development from the US Green Building Council) even has a point - possibly a required one - for having sidewalks on both sides of a street, in order to reward people for having basic common sense about pedestrians moving around a neighborhood. I'm also familiar with the suddenly stopping sidewalk, where in the middle of your walk you just abruptly come to the end of pavement. Both of these are common features of the Northern Virginia landscape.
But I was stopped short (literally and figuratively) but this curb cut. Far more than Palin's Bridge to Nowhere, this is really incomprehensible; I mean, once you roll up on this curb cut, where exactly are you supposed to go? Did they just want to give you a little safe haven where you could observe the intersection from all four corners, just for a sense of completeness? Are they hoping for sidewalk funding to come later? Are they trying to facilitate a smooth transition from on-road to off-road for off-road wheelchair adventurers?
Faced with this boondoggle, I found myself with a limited number of unattractive options: cross the street to get to the remaining sidewalk, then cross back a block later to get back on the side where my sister's development is located; muddle my way through the grass for the next block; go diagonally to my left across a charming asphalt parking lot, then take a short but steep grassy incline to end up in my sister's neighborhood. I choose option (c), thankfully not twisting my ankle in heels as I ran down the parking lot edge to the street. I forgot to take a photo of that; also, interestingly, no stairs to descend that incline, nor a sidewalk at the bottom on that side of the road that the incline leads down to ... just hill, curb, slip between parked cars into roadway, cross quickly to the sidewalk that goes around my sister's street.
Ah, the suburban adventure. Nothing makes you appreciate home like going somewhere else for a while, and then realizing just how good you have it. :-)
So, the weekend before this past one, I was spending a couple of days in Virginia with my sister following a business meeting in DC. In a departure from most of Northern Virginia, my sister happens to live in a place where you can actually walk to do errands. There's a whole shopping plaza just a couple of short blocks away, and its even one of those New Urbanism-inspired ones where they try to make it look like a little village and include sidewalks around the seas of parking so you can in fact walk from store to store, even the Home Depot. Sarcasm about the architectural results aside, it is a much better amenity that what I see just about anywhere else in the region. (Excepting places, of course, that have actual town or neighborhood centers still standing, like traditional Reston. Oh, and don't get me started on Reston "Town Center".)
Anyway, so I was walking home from the grocery store with my nephew, and came upon this little intersection:
This is actually a view back the way I came, walking along the sidewalk pictured here. The building to the right-hand side of the picture is the library, I think; there's also some sort of public building and a church on that side, so I tend to forget what order they go in. On the left-hand side of the picture you can see the shopping center from which we recently departed. Again, not the best architecture or the friendliest street, but it's nice to have all of these things so close by.
In a different direction across the intersection, you can see that this is also one of the denser reidential developments you'll find in the area; while most places are single-family house on lots ranging from a postage stamp to an envelope, here, we have a mix of town-homes, apartments, and a little hotel across the way.
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Now, I spent a lot of my growing up time in Northern Virginia; ten years. I'm incredibly familiar with the disappearing sidewalk problem, where you're walking on one side of the street, and then the sidewalk on that side disappears, and you have to cross to the other side of the street. LEED-ND (a new "green" rating system for neighborhood development from the US Green Building Council) even has a point - possibly a required one - for having sidewalks on both sides of a street, in order to reward people for having basic common sense about pedestrians moving around a neighborhood. I'm also familiar with the suddenly stopping sidewalk, where in the middle of your walk you just abruptly come to the end of pavement. Both of these are common features of the Northern Virginia landscape.But I was stopped short (literally and figuratively) but this curb cut. Far more than Palin's Bridge to Nowhere, this is really incomprehensible; I mean, once you roll up on this curb cut, where exactly are you supposed to go? Did they just want to give you a little safe haven where you could observe the intersection from all four corners, just for a sense of completeness? Are they hoping for sidewalk funding to come later? Are they trying to facilitate a smooth transition from on-road to off-road for off-road wheelchair adventurers?
Faced with this boondoggle, I found myself with a limited number of unattractive options: cross the street to get to the remaining sidewalk, then cross back a block later to get back on the side where my sister's development is located; muddle my way through the grass for the next block; go diagonally to my left across a charming asphalt parking lot, then take a short but steep grassy incline to end up in my sister's neighborhood. I choose option (c), thankfully not twisting my ankle in heels as I ran down the parking lot edge to the street. I forgot to take a photo of that; also, interestingly, no stairs to descend that incline, nor a sidewalk at the bottom on that side of the road that the incline leads down to ... just hill, curb, slip between parked cars into roadway, cross quickly to the sidewalk that goes around my sister's street.
Ah, the suburban adventure. Nothing makes you appreciate home like going somewhere else for a while, and then realizing just how good you have it. :-)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
When Church = Soul-Wrenching Torture That You Only Put Yourself Through Because You Made a Commitment to Go Until Easter
That's right, chicas y chicos, another awesomely awful blog post. Let's all be glad that Easter is in 2 weeks.
So, today was the 4th week of Lenten church attendance; I also went last week when I was in Viriginia with my sister. That week was kind of sad and reflective, but more somberly thoughtful that spirit-wrecking bucket of tears. It seems those home runs are reserved for the home church.
I don't really believe that anymore.
I finally talked to my pastor a bit after service, because he was available in the prayer corner; this is a small blessing I will try to recognize and be thankful for, because I probably would be in pretty bad shape if I hadn't gotten some prayer and talking through some portion of what is going on. I told him I keep feeling like I'm desperate for a community of Christians where we are intimately involved in each other's lives and going on this crazy journey together; but it never quite materializes, seeming to occasionally appear and then disappear just as I get excited about it. I feel like I'm always hearing this "rely on God alone" message, and like over the last couple of years He even started to pull out from under me the bits of community I felt I had or was gathering; and maybe some other folks are good at going it alone with just them and Him, but I am not built for that, and I can't get past that hard fact of my need to be with other people, other partners in my walk, no matter how hard I try to make it without.
So I don't understand why He would make me that way and then seem to constantly withhold the deepest desire of my heart. I have no cohesive posse here in Boston, no life partner, and I am tired of trying to patch community together all the time from disconnected strands that never weave themselves into a whole, and that I always have to juggle and hold onto to try and create some semblance of a safety net. If God knows that I need this, so much that I have been crying out to Him because of its lack for more than a decade, why would He not povide it? Why make me who I am, and then just leave me here so sad and lonely? In my limited human perception, it's hard not to perceive that as a terrible cruelty.
Look, I know that I am physically healthy, materially affluent and secure, and that there are any number of severe emotional and mental traumas through which He has not put me. I am grateful for all of those things, and I do not take them lightly. I work really hard to try and keep my emotional woes in perspective. But this is not the self-centered whining of a girl who has everything casting about for something to complain about. I feel crushed to the point of despair by this loneliness and emptiness that never is satisfied, I cannot think about these things without sobbing uncontrollably, and I spend most of my time deliberately choosing not to think about any of this so I can continue to function and find reasons to get up in the morning. When I let myself think about these things, it is really tough to figure out why in the world or beyond it I am still here and breathing. I am tired, worn out, and exhausted to my bones when I have to be confronted with this aspect of my emotional and spiritual life.
I'll keep my commitment through Easter, because I said I would. If nothing changes by then, I really don't know what is next ... So I am going to try and hold out what is left of my faith and believe that God is listening, and that he will move me to the second half of Psalm 22 in a form that is not mysterious or incomprehensible, but in a way that a small, scared person like me can know and trust again. I hope you all will pray for me.
So, today was the 4th week of Lenten church attendance; I also went last week when I was in Viriginia with my sister. That week was kind of sad and reflective, but more somberly thoughtful that spirit-wrecking bucket of tears. It seems those home runs are reserved for the home church.
"Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." -- Psalm 37:4-5I used to believe that passage wholeheartedly; it was one of those comforts that I could repeat to sustain myself in rough times. Even if things seemed dark right now, if I trusted in God, let him direct my steps as Proverbs 3:5-6 says, He knew what I needed and what I deeply desired, and He would bring it in just the right time.
I don't really believe that anymore.
"My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; and in the night season, and am not silent." -- Psalm 22:1-2It is, of course, fascinatingly symbolic how my whole experience of this Lenten season is so perfectly summed up in this Psalm, quoted by Jesus himself on the cross. And though I am not literally being pierced, or surrounded by evildoers casting lots for my clothing, the desperation of the first half of the Psalm could not more accurately reflect my inner state. This does make me think I must be going through some Easter object lesson, in which case I am incredibly sincere in my prayer - nay, plea - for a transformation and resurrection of the spirit that will be just as clear, powerful, visible and tangible as that Easter miracle. Two weeks more is about all I can handle of this emotional horror show.
I finally talked to my pastor a bit after service, because he was available in the prayer corner; this is a small blessing I will try to recognize and be thankful for, because I probably would be in pretty bad shape if I hadn't gotten some prayer and talking through some portion of what is going on. I told him I keep feeling like I'm desperate for a community of Christians where we are intimately involved in each other's lives and going on this crazy journey together; but it never quite materializes, seeming to occasionally appear and then disappear just as I get excited about it. I feel like I'm always hearing this "rely on God alone" message, and like over the last couple of years He even started to pull out from under me the bits of community I felt I had or was gathering; and maybe some other folks are good at going it alone with just them and Him, but I am not built for that, and I can't get past that hard fact of my need to be with other people, other partners in my walk, no matter how hard I try to make it without.
So I don't understand why He would make me that way and then seem to constantly withhold the deepest desire of my heart. I have no cohesive posse here in Boston, no life partner, and I am tired of trying to patch community together all the time from disconnected strands that never weave themselves into a whole, and that I always have to juggle and hold onto to try and create some semblance of a safety net. If God knows that I need this, so much that I have been crying out to Him because of its lack for more than a decade, why would He not povide it? Why make me who I am, and then just leave me here so sad and lonely? In my limited human perception, it's hard not to perceive that as a terrible cruelty.
Look, I know that I am physically healthy, materially affluent and secure, and that there are any number of severe emotional and mental traumas through which He has not put me. I am grateful for all of those things, and I do not take them lightly. I work really hard to try and keep my emotional woes in perspective. But this is not the self-centered whining of a girl who has everything casting about for something to complain about. I feel crushed to the point of despair by this loneliness and emptiness that never is satisfied, I cannot think about these things without sobbing uncontrollably, and I spend most of my time deliberately choosing not to think about any of this so I can continue to function and find reasons to get up in the morning. When I let myself think about these things, it is really tough to figure out why in the world or beyond it I am still here and breathing. I am tired, worn out, and exhausted to my bones when I have to be confronted with this aspect of my emotional and spiritual life.
I'll keep my commitment through Easter, because I said I would. If nothing changes by then, I really don't know what is next ... So I am going to try and hold out what is left of my faith and believe that God is listening, and that he will move me to the second half of Psalm 22 in a form that is not mysterious or incomprehensible, but in a way that a small, scared person like me can know and trust again. I hope you all will pray for me.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Returned, Lost
I was going to write this two weeks ago, but then the second half of the story wouldn't have happened yet.
So, I got Lent off to a bad start by not going to Ash Wednesday service, but I made two resolutions anyway: to tithe my spending every week, and to go to church every Sunday I was in Boston. The first one is going fine, but that's not what this story is about.
I went to church on Sunday, March 1, the first Sunday of Lent and Communion Sunday at my church. Humorously, I was assigned to be the reader at the 6pm service; I actually thanked the Lord for that, because it helped to make sure that I would start off keeping my resolution. As I read practiced my passage that Sunday afternoon, I had to laugh: the passage in 1 Peter chapters one and four was all about understanding suffering as a normal part of the Christian life; how it refines your faith, connects you to the sufferings of Christ, moves you toward salvation. The Lord's sense of humor amused me ... and the amusement continued as praise song after praise song talked about reliance on him, being stripped of everything else to depend on him. The prayer of confession from Psalm 51 asked that the Lord "renew a steadfast spirit within me ... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
If you've ever had one of those days where events around you seem to all be sending a very direct, very personalized message, it was that kind of experience. The obvious conclusion was that all the trials of the last couple years were about training me to totally depend on God, and giving me understanding of a teeny, tiny portion of the anguish Christ experienced. A conversation with my mother later that evening seemed to confirm this, and even to provide additional comfort in realizing that what God had seemed to break, he eventually restored, perhaps even better than it had been before.
I was driving back from the Poconos last Sunday, so fast forward two weeks to today.
I just tried writing a whole paragraph about what I felt today, but I can't get the words right. It comes out too flippant, and overdramatized at the same time. "Disconnected" sounds too technical, too calm; I wasn't disconnected in service today. I was lost, in a church full of people singing to and speaking about a God I feared I had no relation to anymore.
I keep trying to write about this afternoon, but I still can't find the words to describe it, and ultimately I'm not sure the details of my afternoon are relevant. The point is this: it's not that I don't believe in God. It's not even that I think he doesn't take care of me; my family and I are all well, I have a good job, a good home, an income to take care of both needs and luxuries. But I don't know if he cares what happens to me on the inside, if I am hurt or confused or so broken down in spirit that I can barely walk from one room to another. It's like it doesn't matter, so long as I get up and go to work and do my duties like I'm supposed to.
He doesn't speak to me or comfort me in my distress, not even if I beg and plead in tears for some sign that will help me know he's not just waiting to see how long I'll go before I fail and lose my faith completely. I hear and read his words but there seems to be no love in them, just a set of vague orders that often leaves me wondering what I'm supposed to do to get it right. Every time I try to pray, I don't really know who I'm talking to anymore.
It was easier not going to church, because then I didn't have to come face to face with the reality that my faith feels all hollowed out, with only a narrow shell of habit and regulations still holding it in place. I liked not dealing with it, because then I didn't feel so abysmal. I guess I'm going to try and work through this with someone who can give me good counsel, and hope for an outcome I can live with.
So, I got Lent off to a bad start by not going to Ash Wednesday service, but I made two resolutions anyway: to tithe my spending every week, and to go to church every Sunday I was in Boston. The first one is going fine, but that's not what this story is about.
I went to church on Sunday, March 1, the first Sunday of Lent and Communion Sunday at my church. Humorously, I was assigned to be the reader at the 6pm service; I actually thanked the Lord for that, because it helped to make sure that I would start off keeping my resolution. As I read practiced my passage that Sunday afternoon, I had to laugh: the passage in 1 Peter chapters one and four was all about understanding suffering as a normal part of the Christian life; how it refines your faith, connects you to the sufferings of Christ, moves you toward salvation. The Lord's sense of humor amused me ... and the amusement continued as praise song after praise song talked about reliance on him, being stripped of everything else to depend on him. The prayer of confession from Psalm 51 asked that the Lord "renew a steadfast spirit within me ... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
If you've ever had one of those days where events around you seem to all be sending a very direct, very personalized message, it was that kind of experience. The obvious conclusion was that all the trials of the last couple years were about training me to totally depend on God, and giving me understanding of a teeny, tiny portion of the anguish Christ experienced. A conversation with my mother later that evening seemed to confirm this, and even to provide additional comfort in realizing that what God had seemed to break, he eventually restored, perhaps even better than it had been before.
I was driving back from the Poconos last Sunday, so fast forward two weeks to today.
I just tried writing a whole paragraph about what I felt today, but I can't get the words right. It comes out too flippant, and overdramatized at the same time. "Disconnected" sounds too technical, too calm; I wasn't disconnected in service today. I was lost, in a church full of people singing to and speaking about a God I feared I had no relation to anymore.
I keep trying to write about this afternoon, but I still can't find the words to describe it, and ultimately I'm not sure the details of my afternoon are relevant. The point is this: it's not that I don't believe in God. It's not even that I think he doesn't take care of me; my family and I are all well, I have a good job, a good home, an income to take care of both needs and luxuries. But I don't know if he cares what happens to me on the inside, if I am hurt or confused or so broken down in spirit that I can barely walk from one room to another. It's like it doesn't matter, so long as I get up and go to work and do my duties like I'm supposed to.
He doesn't speak to me or comfort me in my distress, not even if I beg and plead in tears for some sign that will help me know he's not just waiting to see how long I'll go before I fail and lose my faith completely. I hear and read his words but there seems to be no love in them, just a set of vague orders that often leaves me wondering what I'm supposed to do to get it right. Every time I try to pray, I don't really know who I'm talking to anymore.
It was easier not going to church, because then I didn't have to come face to face with the reality that my faith feels all hollowed out, with only a narrow shell of habit and regulations still holding it in place. I liked not dealing with it, because then I didn't feel so abysmal. I guess I'm going to try and work through this with someone who can give me good counsel, and hope for an outcome I can live with.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Brandy's Oscar Blog
OK, so here's my running commentary on Oscar night, for anyone who cares ... I just don't want to be updating my Facebook status every 5 minutes:
7:37
7:42
7:55
8:00
8:05
8:09
8:13
8:20
8:54
9:41
9:53
OK, I've officially decided to rewind back to what I missed, and stop blogging so I can get some work done! If something really interesting happens that I absolutely must blog about, I'll come back and add in.
10:01 (10:34 in real time)
10:25 (10:54 in real life)
10:41 (11:06 in real life)
10:50 (11:09 in real life)
11:06 (11:23 in real life)
11:19 (11:32 in real life)
And that's it, boys and girls; I'm calling it a night. Good job, Hugh Jackman! I clearly got no work done, but I did enjoy myself. We'll pay the price for that tomorrow ... I mean, later today! :-o
7:37
- Bouncing back and forth between Barbara Walters and the E! Red Carpet special. I don't know why I'm watching Barbara Walters, because I hate the way she interviews people; but I'm curious about the people she's interviewing.
- Great dresses: Anne Hathaway, Beyonce, Marion Cotilliard.
- Diane Lane and Josh Brolin ... huh. Didn't know that.
- Man, wish I had PIP! That would make this so much easier.
7:42
- Oh, yeah, Oscar movies I haven't seen but want to: Frost/Nixon, Tropic Thunder (on the Blockbuster list, coming soon), Changeling, The Reader, Man on Wire (on top of the DVR waiting to be watched as we speak). Things I feel like I should see, even if I'm not super-enthused about it: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Doubt, Milk.
- I don't love Kate Winslet's whole dress, but she looks great from the waist up.
- Aha, the arrival of Brangelina!! Her dress is so-so.
- Apparently, white/cream is the color today, at least according to Jay what's-his-name from Top Model. But I have no idea why he likes Jessica Biel's dress ... uck.
7:55
- Ooh, just 5 minutes to the official Red Carpet Special! Hmm ... have I recovered enough to start watching Dancing with the Stars again? Maybe. I'm also very interested in this Castle thing.
- What, Hugh Jackman is giving Barbara Walters a lap dance on network TV? My eyes, my eyes!!
8:00
- OK, now it's all ABC all the time. Taraji P. Henson is so cute! And really, Kate Winslet is just gorgeous.
- Diane Lane is adorable with her husband.
- Amy Adams: great dress, needs a better hairstylist to show off that gorgeous red mane.
- I don't think Matthew Broderick likes this red carpet deal; he looks kinds uncomfortable.
- Did I mention that I love Taraji? :-)
8:05
- Oh, other things on my to-see list: Rachel Getting Married, The Wrestler.
- Frank Langella and his daughter - too sweet!
- Tim Gunn, you're drooling; stop fawning all over Brangelina, it's embarrassing.
8:09
- Julia Roberts in Valentino enjoying her Oscar ... "Whoo! I love it up here." :-)
- WOOOOO!!! Go Slumdog Millionaire!!!!!!!! That is so awesome that they got so much of the cast there.
8:13
- RDJ: "My date tonight? Well, she's my date for the rest of this incarnation." Love it!
- I'm torn over Miley Cyrus's dress ... I love it and hate it at the same time.
- Oh, it's worth noting that I have IMDb open in the next window, so I can constantly check who's dating/married to who.
8:20
- Aw, look at the accountants! I can't imagine the security around those guys on the way here.
- I like the parent-child teams ... Meryl Steep and daughter this time.
- I like Penelope Cruz's dress. I also dig the little feature when they're interviewing her showing her past outfits, although I wish the pictures were slightly larger.
- I think I'm rooting for Richard Jenkins as Lead Actor, although it's probably a long shot.
- Wow, Seth Rogen in formal wear is kind of shocking. He looks really good, though. I wouldn't kick him out of bed ... although by boyfriend probably would! ;-) JK, sweetie.
- Do these people creating the set and music for Oscars know that they create the longest, most over-dramatic event in the history of over-dramatic events? Also, that they have inspired terrible emulations like the AIA Convention music and set design? (Seriously, it's so awful it's ridiculous.)
- Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive ... that is, among men I'm not already dating. :-) Amusingly, my boyfriend hates Hugh Jackman. I hope he's a good host; he's starting out well. And wow - what an opening number! He talks, he sings, he dances ... what can't he do? Very funny.
- Meryl Streep is lovely; I hope I look that good at her age.
- What was that with the curtain??
- Ooh, I like this thing with having the formers come out to present the nomination. Although it looks a little like being welcomed to a cult by people in shadowy robes ... but the commentary is sweet, and much appreciated by the actresses.
- OK, I am not unhappy with the first award. It's actually the only movie I saw in this category, so I guess I'm rooting for this as much as anything. But I still love Taraji! Penelope's speech was overlong, but touching.
8:54
- See, the trouble with the Oscars is that I think it's just too big a venue for good comic timing. Even Tina Fey and Steve Martin have a hard time being funny.
- I was actually really hoping that Wall-E would win best screenplay. Oh, well.
- Yay, Slumdog!!
- OK, I know everyone wants to thank everyone, but you've seen enough of these things to know that the litany of thanks is boring. You're creative people; be more creative!
- Jen looks better than Angelina. The dress, anyway; I think she and Amy Adams had the same futzy hairdresser.
- Aw, man, I meant to see Clone Wars! I think it's on demand now.
- Was there ever any doubt that Wall-E would win? I mean really, the others nominated weren't even in the same league.
- Dude, I would be so freaked out to accept a major televised award not in my native language. Go you, dude!
- Whew, that bathroom break was a long time in coming! Do you think Oscar commercials are as expensive as Superbowl commercials?
- You know, this might be the first time that I've ever watched the Oscars start to finish ... or as close to finish as I'll get before I bail.
- That set behind SJP and Daniel Craig is really impressive to me for some reason; I don't know if it's any more complex than any of the others, but it feels like it.
- Darn, I was rooting for almost any other movie except Benjamin Button for Art Direction. Of course, I haven't seen it, so maybe it really was the most fabulous. I was rooting for The Duchess, so I'm happy about that. Huh, I didn't think I really cared either way about most of these categories, but I guess I do a little.
- I wonder if there's a timer that people can see while they're doing their thank-yous.
- I guess if Benjamin Button was nominated for so many categories, it was bound to win some of them. I just really have something against this movie ... what is it?
- Hi, Mamma Mia! girl. Sorry I didn't like your movie at all.
- That was an awful lot of High School Movie 3 in that romance montage - really? Oh, I meant to see Last Chance Harvey, too! So many movies, so little time.
- Natalie Portman looks pretty! She's not the best comedienne. Please tell me Ben Stiller will take his gum with him when he goes. Ew, he put it back in his mouth ... uck.
- Yay 2 for Slumdog! But wait, I thought you weren't thanking anybody? Not a bad speech, though.
9:41
- I'm watching on silent right now, because I'm on the phone with my mom; sadly, I'm missing the Seth Rogen/James Franco bit, which looks pretty funny. Might have to rewind and go watch that. I like Seth Rogen's tux much less now that I see it on stage ... James Franco is a hottie, as always.
- I want to be the Oscar girl who guides people off the stage. She gets to wear such a pretty outfit, and meet famous people.
- Wow, I don't have any sound on, but I can tell that guy who won the short film award was very excited.
9:53
- Oh, Hugh Jackman is singing again and I'm missing it! Hey, with Beyonce. Show those legs, girl! I really am going to have to rewind and watch all this.
OK, I've officially decided to rewind back to what I missed, and stop blogging so I can get some work done! If something really interesting happens that I absolutely must blog about, I'll come back and add in.
10:01 (10:34 in real time)
- Well, all those things I went back and watched were actually a little more entertaining sans sound, but still had their amusing parts. I think Hugh Jackman should host every year if he's going to spice things up with musical breaks! The musical number itself was kind of mish-mashed together, much like Moulin Rouge - which is why it's no surprise that it was composed by Baz Luhrmann.
- Oops! That's OK, Alan Arkin. :-)
- I can't imagine how bittersweet it must be to be Heath Ledger's family tonight.
- I definitely want to see some of these other documentaries ... The Garden and Encounters at the End of the World look particularly interesting. Oh, but ugh, Bill Maher. I was going to give him a nice tux compliment, but I kind of don't want to.
- I was rooting for Man on Wire - yay! Philippe Petit is so hilarious.
- Ooh, The Witness: From the Balcony of Room 306 may also have to go on my list. Nice dress for the documentary short winner!
10:25 (10:54 in real life)
- Is post-production really just all about things blowing up, being shot or smashing into one another? Isn't there interesting post-production in non-action films? Ah, this is one instance where I'm actually glad for the inclusion of Benjamin Button, and I don't even mind that it won.
- Wanted was just such an awful, awful movie. I like effects and all, but that was just beyond ridiculous.
- Are Slumdog and Benjamin Button tied now? Also, I love how overwhelmed this sound guy is; that's when the Oscars start to feel special. Ooh, and Slumdog again!! The editing really did make that movie work so well.
10:41 (11:06 in real life)
- I never thought I'd say this about a TV show, but the Oscars don't have enough commercials! I'm barely making up any time by speeding through them on my DVR.
10:50 (11:09 in real life)
- Catching up, slowly. Sometimes the way they shoot the title screen for these scores makes it tough to tell what film they're associated with. Oh, I hope Wall-E wins this, and the Original Song category.
- I think there's a little too much Zac Efron in this Oscar evening.
- OK, if Wall-E couldn't win, Slumdog was of course my next favorite. But I still wish it had gone the other way.
- I love big drums!! And John Legend! And I forgot just how much I loved this song. I do wish they'd let them perform the whole thing. Seriously, big drums are dance and music all in one; so awesome. Ooh, I do kind of like the medley of these songs, much better than the musical thing.
- Darn! I think Wall-E got robbed, even if it was by one of my other favorite movies.
11:06 (11:23 in real life)
- Also added to the list: The Class.
- I like it when Queen Latifah sings. I'd forgotten that Bernie Mac and Michael Crichton had died. And Roy Scheider! And Ricardo Montalban!! Was I just not paying attention? Charlton Heston, Anthony Minghella ... I can't list them any more. Ah, I was wondering who would get to close the dead Oscar montage; Paul Newman, of course.
11:19 (11:32 in real life)
- Reese Witherspoon's dress is another one of those that that I start to like, and then I start to hate right after that.
- Hmm, will Best Director predict Best Picture? I like the Tigger bit, and Danny Boyle is clearly just so happy. His kids are cute. D'oh! That's not good, to forget someone in your movie credits.
- OK, onto the big three!! I have no preference on Best Actress. Oh, man, but Halle Berry was so good in Monster's Ball. I have to watch that again real soon, even thought it's such a tough movie.
- Sophia Loren looks a little overbrowned, I have to say. I'm also not sure about Halle Berry's dress. But whatever; I think it would be just so amazing to be spoken to by one of these women about my accomplishments.
- I'm sure Angelina Jolie's jewelry is actually incredibly expensive; but it's so big it looks like costume jewelry. The color contrast is truly striking, nonetheless.
- OK, actually, I did have a favorite - hooray for Kate Winslet! Wow, I just started to cry at that shampoo bottle thing. And her dad ... aw. I think Best Actress speeches might be my favorite.
- Oh, except for Adrien Brody - ha! Nice quote. Robert DeNiro was such a hottie in his day ... and I think this Best Actor crew is like a selection of the best highlights from my favorite actors. How awesome. Adrien Brody needs to cut (and comb!) his hair, and Ben Kingsley rocks.
- Who wins, who wins? I dig Sean Penn; I can totally get behind that. What a perfect shot of his wife's face at that moment! I'm not a big fan of these political speeches at the Oscars, but it was unavoidable given this movie.
- It's sweet how pleased everyone is at Mickey Rourke's comeback; it must be nice to feel that your community is behind you like that.
- Just 10 minutes behind time, it's time for the big one! My vote in order: Slumdog, The Reader, Milk, Frost/Nixon, Benjamin Button. And I win! Well, technically, they win, but whatever. :-) It's so great that the whole cast they brought is up there; what a perfect ending to this show.
And that's it, boys and girls; I'm calling it a night. Good job, Hugh Jackman! I clearly got no work done, but I did enjoy myself. We'll pay the price for that tomorrow ... I mean, later today! :-o
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thank you, Mail-to-Blogger!
So, it has been very sad for me not to be as prolific a blogger as I was getting to be last year; I have so many thoughts that ramble around in my head all the time, and I feel very frustrated not being able to get them out before I forget or get to tired to write.
What caused the change, you may ask? Well, apparently sometime in early October, Blogger and T-Mobile had some differences of technological opinion, causing the Blogger Mobile function not to work with my carrier. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one upset about this; however, our distress has not caused either Blogger or T-Mobile to move speedily towards a resolution of the issue (it seems to be more T-Mobile's fault, if the Known Issues blog is to be believed). Trying to find a workaround has been more of a bother than I anticipated, and for quite sometime I was resigned to losing blog posts in the mists of my mind and time.
No longer! I recently discovered Mail-to-Blogger, and handy little feature that basically allows me to do the same thing I was doing with MMS via Blogger Mobile, but instead I use one of the other mail accounts I check on my phone. It set it up very easily this morning via the browser on my phone, and then was back to creating and sending postings from my device. I don't think it's quite as easy to do photo posting, but since most of my posts are more text based, I feel like I can still blog very easily for 90% of what I want to do.
Hooray, hooray! As you can see, I feel so re-energized that I've posted three times in one day, although two of those were from my laptop at home. Nonetheless: I'm back, baby!
What caused the change, you may ask? Well, apparently sometime in early October, Blogger and T-Mobile had some differences of technological opinion, causing the Blogger Mobile function not to work with my carrier. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one upset about this; however, our distress has not caused either Blogger or T-Mobile to move speedily towards a resolution of the issue (it seems to be more T-Mobile's fault, if the Known Issues blog is to be believed). Trying to find a workaround has been more of a bother than I anticipated, and for quite sometime I was resigned to losing blog posts in the mists of my mind and time.
No longer! I recently discovered Mail-to-Blogger, and handy little feature that basically allows me to do the same thing I was doing with MMS via Blogger Mobile, but instead I use one of the other mail accounts I check on my phone. It set it up very easily this morning via the browser on my phone, and then was back to creating and sending postings from my device. I don't think it's quite as easy to do photo posting, but since most of my posts are more text based, I feel like I can still blog very easily for 90% of what I want to do.
Hooray, hooray! As you can see, I feel so re-energized that I've posted three times in one day, although two of those were from my laptop at home. Nonetheless: I'm back, baby!
Healthy Lifestyle Update #2
So, I've fallen off the wagon a little bit in some things; I'm finding that when I am stressed or angry, I'm also very insistent on indulging my bad food habits or not taking the time to exercise. The lowlights:
Now I know that ideally, my dentist would like me to do all three of those things together twice a day or more, but I'm trying to start realistic here. It's a big step to make sure that I'm flossing at least once a day every day, so we'll see how well I do there before setting myself the next goal. RS, we can be floss buddies!
- I broke down and ate at Burger King this week. Well, not so much broke down as got pissed off and petulant because I was tired, hungry, rushed, and in pain from being at the dentist (more on that later). I am definitely an emotional eater, particularly a stress eater.
- I also was lax on my stairs this week; I think only one day did I go up all four flights in my office building. I'm pretty good about taking stairs in the T and elsewhere, but that walk up to my office is hard to do on a day when I feel tired, overwhelmed, or at all under the weather physically.
- I have not walked home from Central in a couple of weeks.
- I'm doing pretty well on buying my food. This is working better for me for breakfast and lunch than for dinner, because I haven't yet found that right balance between things that are healthy and things that are fairly simple and easy for me to make. We're working on it, though, and I've been very consistent about bringing lunch and either eating breakfast at home or bringing breakfast to work. I need to regularize my shopping a little more to keep going on this; it would be good for me to pick a day and designate it as "grocery day."
- This past Thursday, my boyfriend and I made dinner together. This may sound like a small accomplishment, but it's pretty huge in light of the fact that we haven't made dinner together in months, and we almost always eat out or get take-out. I loved it that we both got to the point where we were just tired of eating out constantly, and on the same night had the initiative to go buy some food and cook it. I'd like to do more of that, at least once every couple of weeks to start.
Now I know that ideally, my dentist would like me to do all three of those things together twice a day or more, but I'm trying to start realistic here. It's a big step to make sure that I'm flossing at least once a day every day, so we'll see how well I do there before setting myself the next goal. RS, we can be floss buddies!
Racism - it's everywhere!
Or so the NAACP would like you to believe.
Now, I'm a fan of many things that the NAACP has done and continues to do. But its existence, much like the careers of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, seems to have become largely dependent on finding racism in as many places as possible ... Thus you end up with a vast network of people who may be much more invested in perpetuating th sense of a problem than finding real ways to address the problem - and therefore causing themselves, or at least their current way of operating, to become obsolete.
The latest example of this race-mongering is this dratted New York Post cartoon. The furor over this is driving me crazy, because the response of so much of the "black establishment" is textbook: cry racism and demand apologies first, have rational or thoughtful dialogue about the matter much, much later - if at all. It's far more politically profitable to raise a fuss insisting that this cartoon was about President Obama being a monkey and getting shot by racist police than to explore the notion that this cartoon didn't have anything to do with race, and maybe we all need to dial down our offendable sensitivities just a tad.
Because it wasn't a cartoon about race; it was a cartoon expressing frustration about the stimulus bill, using a local event as a vehicle for commentary. The monkey being shot was an actual monkey (a chimpanzee, technically) who had gone on a little rampage in Stamford, CT and had to be taken out by local police. The connection between monkeys and the stimulus bill was not because Obama is black, and therefore chimp-like; it was an allusion to many varieties of jokes about monkeys at typewriters spewing out gibberish, but over time being able to produce coherent language inadvertently. The "monkeys at typwriters" in question could be construed to include President Obama as one of the originators of the priorities of the bill, but the group toward which the anger is directed is primarily composed of the bill's authors: Congressional Democrats and their aides, the vast majority of whom are white.
I understand the long history of insulting comparisons between people of African descent and monkeys, and the resulting sensitivity among the African-American community. But one's sensitivity to other people's past injurious actions doesn't automatically justify outrage at a completely different person's present actions, which may have a superficial similarity to the past but are not at all alike in intent or meaning. Robert Downey Jr.'s role in Tropic Thunder as a white actor who gets plastic surgery to be able to play a black character isn't about ridiculing black people and perpetuating awful stereotypes (the goal of "blackface" actors in the early 20th century); it's about ridiculing popular stereotypes of black people, with the apt foil of an actual black actor in the movie who comments on the nonsensical portrayal. The use of blackface as a medium to undermine everything that blackface was about isn't insulting, it's brilliant (not to mention insanely funny).
Understanding such nuances is critical to properly responding to the situations we confront as individuals and a society; but the current era of political so-called leaders who are up in arms about this cartoon would rather go for controversial and attention-grabbing soundbites than actual understanding that would advance our dialogues about the lingering issues of race in this country. Why do the hard work of sifting through the complex layers of racial stereotyping and misunderstanding in which we all participate, when you can get just as much airtime with far less effort by calling everyone who gets your dander up a racist?
The ultimate problem is that we still do have very difficult and damaging race (and class) issues to deal with in this country, and this kind of tempest over nothing takes away resources from the hard work that needs to be done. It also makes it far more difficult to call out actual incidents of racism; like the boy who cried wolf, if we call everything that upsets us racism, then we won't be believed or paid attention to when something serious and truly problematic comes along. The race-mongers may secure their jobs for a time while raising constant alarms and continuing not to create meaningful solutions ... But the time will come when people get tired of being told to constantly be angry and afraid, and their false "leadership" will be exposed for the fraud that it is.
Now, I'm a fan of many things that the NAACP has done and continues to do. But its existence, much like the careers of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, seems to have become largely dependent on finding racism in as many places as possible ... Thus you end up with a vast network of people who may be much more invested in perpetuating th sense of a problem than finding real ways to address the problem - and therefore causing themselves, or at least their current way of operating, to become obsolete.
The latest example of this race-mongering is this dratted New York Post cartoon. The furor over this is driving me crazy, because the response of so much of the "black establishment" is textbook: cry racism and demand apologies first, have rational or thoughtful dialogue about the matter much, much later - if at all. It's far more politically profitable to raise a fuss insisting that this cartoon was about President Obama being a monkey and getting shot by racist police than to explore the notion that this cartoon didn't have anything to do with race, and maybe we all need to dial down our offendable sensitivities just a tad.
Because it wasn't a cartoon about race; it was a cartoon expressing frustration about the stimulus bill, using a local event as a vehicle for commentary. The monkey being shot was an actual monkey (a chimpanzee, technically) who had gone on a little rampage in Stamford, CT and had to be taken out by local police. The connection between monkeys and the stimulus bill was not because Obama is black, and therefore chimp-like; it was an allusion to many varieties of jokes about monkeys at typewriters spewing out gibberish, but over time being able to produce coherent language inadvertently. The "monkeys at typwriters" in question could be construed to include President Obama as one of the originators of the priorities of the bill, but the group toward which the anger is directed is primarily composed of the bill's authors: Congressional Democrats and their aides, the vast majority of whom are white.
I understand the long history of insulting comparisons between people of African descent and monkeys, and the resulting sensitivity among the African-American community. But one's sensitivity to other people's past injurious actions doesn't automatically justify outrage at a completely different person's present actions, which may have a superficial similarity to the past but are not at all alike in intent or meaning. Robert Downey Jr.'s role in Tropic Thunder as a white actor who gets plastic surgery to be able to play a black character isn't about ridiculing black people and perpetuating awful stereotypes (the goal of "blackface" actors in the early 20th century); it's about ridiculing popular stereotypes of black people, with the apt foil of an actual black actor in the movie who comments on the nonsensical portrayal. The use of blackface as a medium to undermine everything that blackface was about isn't insulting, it's brilliant (not to mention insanely funny).
Understanding such nuances is critical to properly responding to the situations we confront as individuals and a society; but the current era of political so-called leaders who are up in arms about this cartoon would rather go for controversial and attention-grabbing soundbites than actual understanding that would advance our dialogues about the lingering issues of race in this country. Why do the hard work of sifting through the complex layers of racial stereotyping and misunderstanding in which we all participate, when you can get just as much airtime with far less effort by calling everyone who gets your dander up a racist?
The ultimate problem is that we still do have very difficult and damaging race (and class) issues to deal with in this country, and this kind of tempest over nothing takes away resources from the hard work that needs to be done. It also makes it far more difficult to call out actual incidents of racism; like the boy who cried wolf, if we call everything that upsets us racism, then we won't be believed or paid attention to when something serious and truly problematic comes along. The race-mongers may secure their jobs for a time while raising constant alarms and continuing not to create meaningful solutions ... But the time will come when people get tired of being told to constantly be angry and afraid, and their false "leadership" will be exposed for the fraud that it is.
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