A touch of Leviticus, on the final day

I'm copying a little something I wrote from a note in Facebook, as a final set of thoughts on this month's experience. I haven't mentioned it much on here ... check out www.parkstreet.org/living_leviticus to get the whole picture of the thing, including a link to the church blog and Facebook site where you can see the musings of our Tribe of Levites.

So, it's the final day. I think I feel relieved; disappointed in myself; a little sad; and wondering what happens next.

I was going to write a whole thing about the way that this has changed my relationship to the Lord, but I think I'm going to save that for the video that will probably be made tomorrow at the Dinner of Jubilee. Instead, this note is a shout-out to my friend Emily, who early this week was the first - and only - Facebook friend to ask me what was up with this whole Leviticus thing.

I really appreciated it! I have been wondering all month what my other friends who are not in this experiment think about all of this. I wondered if anyone had been reading, if anyone was interested, if anyone was a little weirded out, or if mostly folks just ignored it as one other news feed item out of the scores it seems like Facebook sends me every day.

We had a cool conversation. We were talking about my question on Sabbath babysitting; Emily almost chimed in online, but then held back (as she said, she was only married to a Jew, not grown up one herself). We talked about what the experiment had been like, and the experience of doing it with other people, and how it was making me really, really think when I read Scripture. And then we chatted about other stuff, like the award she just won because she is an awesome young architect. Go Emily!!

I guess, in a way, this has been part of me trying to be much more open about my faith - and about what really goes on inside me in general - with people I meet outside of my Christian circle. I'm not sure I went in with that intent, but I guess it came out that way. My blog is another part of that effort, and it gets a surprising number of hits from my Facebook profile. (Also funny are the odd Google keyword searches I get.) I discovered other people's blogs in the process - go check out Kristen's site, and Ian's site, for some good reading.

Those are the parts that I liked best from this month - the relationships that were initiated, or strengthened in the course of this study. Lisa and Kristi and I used to find it hard to get together with each other, but all of a sudden we had this good excuse; I've seen them both more that 4 times this month, and on weekend I saw Lisa 3 times in 4 days. I'm not sure why we (me included, for sure) don't normally make time for each other like that. I am afraid that will be lost after we don't have this specific reason to do it.

Thomas, another Levite, mentioned in his note for today that the only way he has any chance at holiness is to be thinking about it all the time. I think I tend to forget that all of my important relationships require that level of intention to be really deep and connected. Eventually, it'll become a habit because you get used to all the ways you stay in touch with someone; but before it becomes a habit, you have to deliberately make that time and call that person and take the hike (which is really not some much of a hike) to Dorchester and not be too lazy to get out of your living room. And that connectedness can languish quickly if you let it ... it's very easy to fall out of touch, and suddenly realize you haven't seen each other in months.

Angela, my former roommate, and I, suddenly found ourselves in that situation this month. When we lived together, we saw each other every day, and even called each other at least once a day on top of that, mostly to talk about goofy stuff or to tell some really nutty thing that just happened. Since she moved out, we do still call each other most days, although not quite as often; and we still see each other, but there can be a lot of lag time in between. We realized this week that, after a couple of times when we missed meeting each other to go out for a drink or a movie for one reason or another, we ended up not having seen each other since the middle of December. We finally had our date today (and saw Sweeney Todd - the fake blood keeps it hilarious, which is a good thing because otherwise the movie would be unbelievably disgusting) ... but it took some real deliberate planning to say, "We're not letting this go for another week."

And yet at the same time, I've seen other people a bunch of times this month. Is it a trade-off? Can you only handle so many relationships at once? Do I need to put my friends on a rotation? That just sounds stupid.

Which gets me to what I've been kind of dreaming off as my vocation for a few years now ... I wish I had the means to just spend all of my time maintaining my relationships with my friends and being there and caring for them. I suppose that doesn't sound like much of a job, but I think it would be a great one. I guess there's a little bit of a "ladies who lunch" stereotype, that you just go out to expensive meals and then sit in your pearls being fanned by a cabana boy at the pool, but that's not really what I mean. What if I could be available to have lunch or dinner with a friend, anytime? What if I had plenty of time to go help them move or clean or paint? What if I could go see them sing and attend their rallies and support what they're involved in? What if I could just go hang out at their house, just because, just 'cause I had the time?

I don't know; as I read that, I think my schedule might be just as full as it is now, and I'd still have to deal with schedule conflicts ... but I feel like I'd be "busy" with stuff I love to be busy with. I'm sure I'm idealizing this because I'm in a grass-is-greener mood just at the moment. And in many ways, it's not like I don't have the choice to devote all of my non-work time to that right now. I just don't choose to.

Hmm. I'm not sure what my point was, and I actually didn't set out to write about any of this. Isn't that funny? Maybe my point is this: Levites, I like you guys; let's keep in touch, but for real. And to all my other friends out there - I really like you, too!! We might have to plan a few weeks ahead to get you in the calendar, but I would love to have lunch.

One down, 14 to go

Actually, first class was great! Two students were no-shows, but the other three were lovely. It took them a while to warm up enough to participate, but by the end they were asking questions and giving feedback. I think we'll have a good semester.

It is a little nerve-wracking, though, being the primary instructor with 3 hours to fill! I hope I can do a good job of keeping them engaged ... It's tough teaching a course that's not about a discrete body of knowledge, but more about thinking and exploring. I want to make sure we build a strong enough base that they have something solid as a jumping-off point.

It's good to be teaching again; I like it.

S-E-X-X-Y

All my fair readers out there are going to get tired of hearing about my phone ... but too bad. :-D Because I love my phone, and I love everything it allows me to do.

Today's ode is to the ability of my IE browser to handle logging into my Outlook Exchange web email system. Had I not discovered this morning that I could do this, key aspects of my class prep for tonight would not be getting done right now. Instead, I am on top of my communications with my teaching colleagues, and I am much less stressed.

Hooray for the Cingular 8125! Hooray for eBay, that lets me buy it without a contract! Hooray for hackers who develop the means to unlock my phone, and to make it work with my carrier's interface! All hail!

(Did I mention that I really like my phone?)

Generational sin

I've been pondering this topic for a while now, as I struggle to deal with some of the sin patterns in my own life; as I'm reading through Genesis and Exodus this month, it comes back to my mind again. What does it mean, this idea that the sins of one generation are visited upon the next?

I don't think it's a matter of children being responsible for the sins of their forefathers. I do think part of it is children having to deal with the consequences of their parents' sins, whether those consequences are very personal as in marital strife and divorce, or more communal, as in the legacies of environmental damage and social or economic injustice. But the aspect that is more on my mind these days is the way that sins of one generation, if not confessed and repented and truly dealt with, are passed on to future generations as the behaviors and attitudes that they emulate - even when not consciously taught or openly displayed.

This is very true in my family. Two of the major sins with which I wrestle - depression and sexual immorality - are clearly repetitons of the patterns of one or both of my parents. And from talking with and witnessing my sisters, the patterns were transmitted to their lives too, in some different ways but also some of the same ones. Some of these sins were modeled by my parents' observable behavior, some we only heard about in stories of the past, some had very direct effects in the present on our family.

One of the things I find so interesting, though, is that even the sins we as children might have vowed never to commit came back to us. This was very true for me with sexual sin; I was honestly committed to staying a virgin as a child and young adolescent. But the will alone wasn't enough; I hadn't ever dealt openly with (or even acknowledged to myself) the perversions of my attitudes and inclinations about sex away from the kind of healthy, loving relationship God intended. I never really delved into what sex should be about, what I thought about it at the time, and how to present my body and mind to be truly set apart for the Lord. So when the opportunity to sin found me, I was wholly unprepared to withstand it (or understand its power), and I was easily ensnared.

The trap of depression was also something I fell prey to very early, but never understood a need to fight until much later. I was equally unready for that battle, because it was something my family discussed even less then our sexual family history or present. We didn't talk about who was struggling with depression, or why, or how we treated each other as a result, or what to do about it. I tried to fight with sheer force, blindly; but I never really got at the heart of what I was fighting against until much, much later, when I was forced to examine the deep roots of sin in mistaken attitudes about myself, but ultimately about God.

These are things that I have battled with for years, and that I still struggle with often. The point of this post is not to blame my family - after all, my decisions were in the end my own - but to identify the cycle in order to try and break it. I don't want to pass these things on to my children, as I'm sure my parents wanted not to pass them to us. But how do you stop handings these sins down over and over?

I don't have a clear answer to that yet. I am hoping that the first steps are what I am trying to do now with God's guidance - being honest about where I have been and where I am now; being open about my struggles both to be held accountable and to be able to encourage others who are also struggling; and seeking passionately after the deep knowledge of the Lord and his creation in me and around me. I hope I'll be able to speak truthfully and rightly about these issues with my children. I know they will still make mistakes of their own ... I'm just hoping they won't be the same ones I made.

Huh ... dating.

I think I might be getting ready to start dating again. Not that I've actually gone out on any dates yet, but it seems like I'm suddenly actually interested in trying. Well, it's not so sudden - my last date was close to 2 years ago. But given that up until as recently as the beginning of this month I just wasn't into the whole man thing, it's kind of a new feeling to find people that I actually want to ask out (or be asked out by).

And speaking of who asks out whom - are we still in that era where guys get weirded out by a woman who makes the first move? Because I'm feeling very straightforward these days, and I'd prefer to just be able to let someone know that I like them without having to do any coy dances. (Although I do enjoy getting a good flirt on when the mood is right.) But I suppose anyone who doesn't respond well to female forthrightness probably isn't the person I'm meant to be with at this stage of my life.

And so it goes ... it'll be interesting to see what happens.

Total random blog item - dessert!

I make excellent brownies, and they go great with vanilla ice cream and raspberry wheat beer. If you ask nicely, I will make them for you.

Mobile blogging rules!

I am totally excited (still) by the fact that I can blog from my phone - without that handy feature, I'd hardly ever blog at all. With it, I've managed to get 10 posts in this month, a third of my total for all of 2007. And that's not even counting all the posts I think about, but never quite get around to starting (or finishing) on my phone.

I also still love my phone ... it's a little bulky, and I've beaten it up several times by dropping it, but its slide-out keyboard continues to rule over all. Also, I recently discovered why I can't get an iPhone - it doesn't have a stylus, and having to take my hands out of my gloves in the single-digit weather to type numbers or look up information is a deal-breaker.

Other things I can do from my phone:

• Receive email all the time on almost all of my accounts (I am an email junkie)
  
• Get directions (awesome on the way to a meeting or a party)
  
• Check on Facebook, including uploading photos, videos and notes
• Watch my sports scores (GO PATS - 18-0!!!!!!)
  

I do however, sometimes think it is unhealthy for me to be so constantly connected; there's a sense of never, ever unplugging from the information highway. But actually, I've also found that, when I get tired of the constant stream, I'm pretty good at ignoring it or leaving it in another room.

About a boy

So, I met a boy I like two days ago, and I've been trying (unsuccessfully) not to think about him ever since. I'm always that way when I like something - object, project, person - I get totally into it and super excited. In fact, two days before I met the boy, I went to a kickoff meeting for a project, and almost immediately decided that it was what I should be doing for the next two years, enough to put off grad school and most (if not all) of my other volunteer commitments. It doesn't happen with everything, and sometimes it's crazy, but when I find something I really connect with, that's how I am.

With the project, I'm OK with it - well-defined opportunity, and I got invited to participate in the first place, so people are thrilled by my enthusiastic response. With the boy ... well, I guess I don't even know if there's an opportunity, and there definitely hasn't been an invitation; not even a response yet to my initial email. (Although, in fairness, I always get irritated by the pressure of having to respond to every email instantly or be accused of ignoring the sender, so I would imagine other people have email overload, too.)

It's nice to be this interested in someone again, but I also get frustrated by the drama ... especially the drama I create for myself! If I ever do seriously date again, that person is going to need a world of patience to handle my neuroses. On the upside, I'm absolutely fabulous once you get to know me. ;-)

Politically incorrect, but true

Today, I was coming out of the Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary, and I saw a little girl whose face and hand had been damaged in some way (she was missing fingers, and had some sort of plastic mask on her face). I often struggle when interacting with people with visible physical disabilities - it seems like it's considered impolite to notice, let alone ask about, a disability; on the other hand, it's like ignoring the elephant in the room, and I feel like it just adds more shame about the whole thing if you have to pretend a disability doesn't exist. Anyway, all this reminded me of another part of our MLK Day conversation: the hindrance that political correctness is to actually dealing with the prejudice and misperceptions between people.

We were speaking of it in the context of race, how you can't have an open dialogue about race if you don't let people express their feelings honestly - especially those feelings that we consider taboo. It's the difference between Northern and Southern racism. In the South, many whites don't feel the need to pull punches about their opinion of blacks; but at the same time, they're used to living and working alongside blacks, and they don't freak out about a large number of black people being around. In the North, whites have a long history of supporting freedom and equality and speaking positively about blacks - so long as they don't have to live or go to school or socialize with blacks at all, and dear heaven, don't let there be too many of them. Honestly, I'd rather have the Southern version ... at least then I know where I stand!

Political correctness keeps us from recognizing reality for what it is - and sometimes it lets us ignore reality altogether to make up our own. I was also reminded of the hubbub a few years back about the then-president of Galludet, the deaf university in DC. One of the biggest issues people had with her (to be fair, among other more legitimate ones) was that she wasn't deaf, and so couldn't understand deaf - or rather, Deaf - culture. As I started reading more about the culture, I could see where she was running into problems ... as with one movement's contention that deafness is not a disability, but rather an alternative state of human physical operation.

Somewhere in here I think we've gotten lost. I don't believe that any moral or personal judgments should be made solely on the basis of someone's deafness, nor does deafness completely limit one's ability to participate in and contribute to society - but it is a dysfunction. Plain and simple, ears are supposed to hear, and if they don't something is wrong, not merely different. I hesitate to give a definition of normal for many aspects of human behavior and appearance - but not hearing is not normal function, and it should be OK to say so without having to ignore the obvious.

Interestingly, my study of Leviticus this month provides a pretty sharp contrast to the language of PC; the Lord didn't seem to have any problem talking about - and even excluding from some things - deformed animals and people. And while I continue to wrestle with my sense of an implied value judgment there, it's much easier to talk about and wrestle with when the language is plain and true - whether we like what's being said or not.

A Legacy of Power

This January, I think I had the best Martin Luther King Day of my whole life.

Honestly, I usually don't think much about MLK Day, except to be glad I don't have to work. Sometimes I catch a snippet of an official event, or briefly reflect on a mention in the local news. But I never really celebrate it as a holiday, or think overmuch about the man it honors.

This past Monday was different. A friend invited me to his brother's annual MLK Day dinner, which I thought was a pretty novel and intriguing idea. My friend described it as this great gathering of people talking about things that matter, so of course I was hooked - and the evening did not disappoint.

First it's worth just talking about the people. They were an eclectic collection of activist folks in their 20s to 50s, with many who worked in social justice non-profits plus the occasional massage therapist. Most were self-described white people; this is notable because white people rarely feel the need to self-identify in this majority culture. But then these were people routinely involved in anti-racist organizations, so it seems they were more used to being aware of such things about themselves.

There was a lot of good food and chat, a little debate watching, and not enough watching of either Dance Wars or American Gladiators. ;-) Quotes from Dr. King's speeches and writings were printed on sheets scattered about the apartment, and I read as I ate. I was inspired by how much Dr. King was talking about things I've been thinking about: nonviolent foreign policy; the deficiencies of capitalism; the ease of ruling over a fearful, fractured people. I think I was still sad that his words were as relevant now as 45 years ago.

But I didn't stay sad; the discussion was uplifting, and I daresay, revolutionary. It was a discussion about power - our power to change the world by making the choice to live our espoused values. And it was a discussion about love - that love and power are not mutually exclusive; that power without love is irresponsible and tyrannical; and that love without power is ineffectual and sentimental. But love and power, love as an active movement to do what is best for those you seek to love and to put your whole self into it - that is enough to change the world.

It's power that the authorities hate, the kind of dangerous power that made the FBI follow Martin King around and tap his phones in the years after the march on Washington. It's the power that overcomes, takes down regimes but then builds nations of peace, that makes us no longer slaves but free. It is power that we all have right at our fingertips, if we would claim it and use it.

What are you doing to honor Dr. King's legacy this week?

I have beautiful friends

Seriously, I do. I'm sitting next to one of my friends right now, and she's gorgeous - she recently highlighted her hair, and she has these cute curls and this great cut, and a beautiful face, and she's just a joy to look at. I've been impressed lately with how much I appreciate the physical aspects of my friends.

I've reflected on this before ... I only have attractive people in my friend circle. That might sound a little snobby or superficial, but when you look at my circle of friends, my sense of beauty is very diverse, so it offers opportunity for a lot of people. :-) And think about it this way - I don't choose to exclude by a particular beauty standard; rather, I recognize and love the beauty I find in all my friends.

And just so you don't think I'm totally superficial, I also only surround myself with people who are smart, funny, well-spoken, talented and activist. Honestly, I have awesome friends; you should get to know them.

So tell me how you really feel, Mr. Secretary

"We've seen what a President can do. Now there's no excuse not to act."

-- quote from a get-out-the-primary-vote public service
announcement by MA Secretary of State William Galvin

Um, WOW. Bill Galvin's role is usually pretty apolitical, and you'd expect such an ad to be politically neutral ... I was quite surprised to hear so direct a negative reference to the current administration. Apparently there are versions of the ad where this line was removed, but the only one I've seen has the line right in there.

There's been a tiny bit of chat on the internet about the appropriateness of the ad. Although it is very clearly anti-Bush, I don't actually thinks its overall content is skewed towards a particular party; it gives equal mention of both the Republican and Democratic primaries and reminds independents that they can choose to vote in either one. I do think it's probably sitting right on that line between OK and not OK, but I'm not totally put out by it. Mostly I was shocked that Galvin felt strongly enough to include that in his PSA ... but I think it's probably a good motivator for many people, even those who once voted for Bush.

You can't flip the bird to a memory

One week shy of what would have been a 5th anniversary, I'm headed over to brunch at the restaurant where my most recent ex and I had our first date. It's a shame that such an annoying remembrance has to tarnish an otherwise fabulous eatery.

Actually, this neighborhood where we'll be eating has more than one establishment associated with boyfriends of lore. I think I need to do more frequent eating there with other people, so that I have a build-up of more pleasant recollections.

In other news - PATS 17-0!!!!!!!!!!!! That was a good game.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL??

Top three things I hate about football:

• pass interference;
• games where they don't play out the 4th quarter;
• Tom Brady's quarterback slide.

Number one thing I love about football: Tom Brady's pocket. I hope he gives his offensive line a big party at the end of this season.

Go PATRIOTS!!!!!

I am not a businessperson

So, a board member of my organization asked me today whether or not the activities I was planning for the upcoming months had enough potential for revenue generation and fundraising. I think I gave some BS answer about "still working to understand how we use our projects that way," but the real answer is that I never think about our activities that way, not at all. I'm beginning to think that an MBA is what I need after all, because I obviously lack any sort of business orientation in my thinking, and that has to change if I want to run a viable organization.

I think there's this dichotomy in my mind between doing business and doing good, even though I know that a non-profit corporation is still a business. I feel like planning for revenue streams distracts me from the "real" work of helping people. But when done conscientiously, it's that business planning that actually enables my organization to help people; without it, we're mostly good intentions without much action to back them up.

Restoration of faith

I just finished watching the movie "Amazing Grace," the story of William Wilberforce, the British parlimentarian who brought about the end of the slave trade. Suddenly, I am reinspired - about the potential to do true good through politics, about the role that young people can play in shaping history (Wilberforce's close friend, William Pitt, became Prime Minister at 24!!), and about the fact that a life of hard work and persistent passion, even though it will mean struggles and sacrifices, can actually change the world. It's a small movie about a huge event in Western and world history - sometimes it's easy to forget how incredible a feat was accomplished, and the magnitude of that change that makes my very life right now possible. I am amazed, and moved to keep pursuing the things that have been laid on my heart.

As a sidenote, I want the bagpipe marching band that plays at the end of this movie to do my wedding, or funeral, or something. It's the way Amazing Grace was meant to be played.

(And clearly, I'm still not shifted from vacation hours back to workweek hours. Oy!)

Not quite the right foot

It's not all that unusual for me to be up at 1AM, but today's reason is a little surprising - I didn't really get up until 5:30PM yesterday, so I've really only been active for 6 or 7 hours. No, it wasn't a hangover ... instead, it was a sore throat the likes of which has not visited me for many years, as a result of too much yelling and too much huffing and puffing in the cold air.

It wasn't how I planned to start the New Year. I wanted to spend today in reflection, Scripture reading, prayer and rest, not sleeping to avoid the fact that it hurt to talk or swallow. In retrospect, I kind of wish I'd stayed at home last night. I had some fun conversations, and danced a little, and ate some good food, and people said I looked well. But I feel let down, like I wanted to get more out of the evening than I did. Is some of this partly reflective of the fact that my New Year's kiss was a pity kiss from my friend's date? Probably. Or the fact that I spent the latter part of the evening at a bar full of gay men who, while extremely complimentary of my outfit, were otherwise uninterested in my smoking hotness? Probably that also.

I am starting to think that I'm not much of a party girl anymore; they just aren't as fun as they used to be. I like drinking, but not for drinking's sake; I like talking to people, but not a bunch of strangers in a crowded room; and I like dancing, but nobody dances much at white people parties. (Yes, I said it. So sue me.) I'm definitely better at parties that are mostly made up of my friends, which isn't surprising given my nature. And I think the bigger kinds of parties trigger some expectation held over from my 20s that a party should have some hook up potential; this is troublesome because a) I'm trying not to do that anymore, and I don't want to be tempted by the mindset, and b) no one seems to want to hook up with me anyway, which just makes me feel unloved.

I did go out last night with the goal of "just having some fun," but I think I needed to define that phrase and my expectations a little better, because what it meant in the back of my mind was that I wanted to look awesome, go out and get picked up, and reclaim a tiny portion of myself as a sexual being before 2007 ended. But what's really fun for me are the kinds of evenings I had last week with my sister and nephew, where we played games and watched silly musicals and ate fun food until we crashed on the floor of the living room ... which is exactly what my family did last night down in VA. Part of me wishes that I hadn't had to come back to MA and watch over the cats, because otherwise I would have stayed through the weekend and spent New Year's with them.

It's not that I only want to be with my family; I'd have had fun doing the same kinds of activities with my friends up here. But I guess I didn't really think about what I wanted enough to organize it myself, so I just went along with the activities that presented themselves. It wasn't all bad - really! - and I had fun with the friend I went out with. I also got to meet someone who I think will be one of my instructors in grad school, and that was cool. And I was mostly having a good time while I was out ... so maybe it's just the aftermath I regret, and not the evening itself. Still, I wish I'd entered the year with a somewhat different mindset, in a way that prepared me for what I want this year to be like. Because I am definitely hoping for a 2008 that is much better than 2007.