Help! 'Cause I need somebody.

I know, it's way too early in the semester, but I am already a) super-tired and b) a little behind on my assignments. D'oh!

This last week has clearly been the Week of Adjusting to Reality, following the first Week of Naive Optimism About the Year Ahead. The adjustment started when I was trying to figure out why the heck I was so tired all the time; and then I remembered that going to work and going to school at the same time is kind of insane. Clearly, my experience at my alma mater was like childbirth: a very painful experience that your body and mind promptly forgets in the bliss of your ultimate accomplishment ... which is what allows people to keep having children, and me to embark on my second year of grad school after taking on a new job.

Of course, I loved my undergrad institution and was one of its biggest fans, before as well as after I graduated. Similarly, I still adore my job and I am really glad to be back in school. I appreciate the good feelings that helped me take on the upcoming year; and I also appreciate that I'm getting my reality-check now, so I can prepare myself for the hard work ahead.

I did get a little extra fright from my boss this past week, as he mentioned that he was concerned about how well I would perform in the spring, which is both the busiest period in my job cycle and my final semester. He was suggesting that perhaps I should take the semester off, and come back to school in the fall, as there wasn't any real rush to get my degree by May (from his point of view). I initially balked inside, feeling like if I took a leave, all of a sudden school would dragon forever and I'd never get finished. Then I remembered that, if I had to do my second summer fellowship during the academic year, I'd been planning to take a semester off and come back in the fall anyway - so honestly, if I had to do it for work, what's the big deal? It just illustrates one of my primary personality failings that I'm working on, which is that I tend to reject ideas that don't match with my initial conception of what should go on, without giving them proper consideration before reacting. The good news is that, after a couple of minutes, hours or days, I'm generally able to stop being so stubborn and consider alternatives. :-)

Things I have to remember as I get into the rest of the semester:

• NO GRAD SCHOOL DIETS. My body gave me heck this past week for my indulgence in carbs and candy on Monday and Tuesday. Big no-no; regardless of how crazy my schedule gets, I have to keep on my good food regimen, because it keeps me happy and healthy.
• I am not a socialite. I'm giving myself a couple of additional weeks of being a social butterfly (mostly because of things I already committed to doing), but starting in October, I am shutting down my social scene. I have a job, a graduate fellowship, and 4 different boards to serve on in addition to school; there's no time for partying.
• TV will wait. It's why I have a DVR, so that I don't have to watch everything at once. And I know full well that I get half as much done in twice the time if I put on the boob-tube for "background noise."
• Don't procrastinate. Procrastination may be my number one bad habit, but I have to get it under control and bring out the time-management superstar I know I have within me.

There's probably some other stuff, but I'm due back in class. Cheerio!

A weekend of walks

This weekend, Hurricane Earl huffed, and puffed - and decided he didn't feel like vacationing in the Cape and Islands. Thus, after a rainstorm of normal heaviness on Friday, the Greater Boston area was blessed with an absolutely gorgeous weekend.

So, back about two years ago, I wanted to start increasing my daily walking as my exercise, rather than working out. My adherence to this principle was pretty spotty, up until this summer, when the location of my fellowship placement allowed me to walk to and from work every day. As noted yesterday, a similar location is one of the awesome things about my job, so I get to keep up the regular walking for the foreseeable future. But this weekend I got an extra walking bonus, as two friends accompanied me on long-awaited wanders.

For many years since I have lived in Boston, I've been an admirer of the Southwest Corridor Park. You can read a bit about the park's origins here; suffice it to say that any park that results from a successful community battle against a highway is a must-see in my book. I've been on portions of the Southwest Corridor, but I have wanted for ages to walk the whole 4-1/2 miles. Finally, I was inspired by the unexpected good weather yesterday, and found a ready companion for a spur-of-the-moment excursion.

One of the reasons I hadn't walked the corridor before is that I was afraid I would tire out before the end. Four-plus miles seemed daunting, and it just wouldn't be the same to do it in bits and pieces. But Saturday my friend and I set out to go as far as we felt comfortable; it turned out to be a nice and easy stroll over a couple of hours, with just two brief breaks in the second half of the journey for rest and water. The park is fun and gorgeous, dotted with community gardens, athletic fields and playgrounds all along the way. Some of the Orange Line stations also have beautiful entrances facing the park; I think Ruggles Station was my favorite.

I was tired after a few hours in the sun, and slept well when I got home. Today, I woke up rested and ready for walk #2, a shorter stroll through the Wellington-Harrington and East Cambridge neighborhoods. With pup in tow (or more often, doing the towing!) a second friend and I spent a good hour catching up and gossiping along the streets of Cambridge, glorying in another sunny day and perfect temperatures. Both of us are more sedentary by nature; my top pastimes are reading books, watching TV and movies, and playing board games, and it's not until you get to bowling or salsa dancing that I get off the couch to entertain myself. But we decided that social walking is a good, natural and fun way to keep our activity levels high and our lives up-to-date. We walked a little over 2 miles, I think, and it was a lovely start to the day.

I feel pretty happy with myself this weekend. I know that weight and clothing size can be useful health indicators, but they're not the only ones, and I feel like these last two days were symbolic of the way I want to keep track of my health going forward. For me, it is more about making sure that the way I eat, the way I sleep, and other aspects of taking care of myself don't prohibit me from doing the things that I want to do. As long as I can take myself on a good long walk at a moment's notice, I figure things for my body are going reasonably well.

The opposite of anorexia

Whatever that would be called, I think I must have it. You see, with anorexia, you look at yourself in the mirror and no matter how thin you are, what you see is a horribly fat person, so you keep starving yourself to try and make that image change. But for me, no matter that I'm apparently a "big girl"; when I look in the mirror I see someone nicely-shaped and attractive, not fat.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what other people see when they look at me. I look around on the street and on the T and most of the folks I see are definitely much thinner than I am; so I'm constantly searching for a person my size so I can say, "Aha, that's how I look." Sometimes I see women who I think are my size, but then I look at my arms and my thighs and they look decidedly larger than the other woman's. Then I see women who I think are heavier than I am ... but I keep wondering if maybe I only think they're heavier than I am, because I can't admit how large I really am. I know I'm not so special that no one else is my size! At any rate, it is all very confusing and mentally exhausting.

I spent five minutes in the bathroom today trying to convince myself that I really am fat. I don't know if it stuck, though; I don't feel fat. It's not that I am oblivious to my weight gain over the years - all I have to do is find an old pair of pants to remind me that I used to be many clothing sizes smaller. But it doesn't bother me as much as it seems like the world around me is telling me it should: the advertisements for every exercise plan and gym, the body mass index, even my mother (who, Lord love her, makes comments about my weight out of a sincere concern for my health given our family's medical history, which makes it hard to be mad at her). I guess I ought to feel more guilty about my weight, but what I feel instead is pretty happy. I'm physically active, I try to eat well for myself and the world around me, and I have clothes I love to wear. Excepting the periodic morning when I wake up cranky, I really do feel pretty, and witty, and bright.

I remain perplexed. What bothers me, I suppose, is that I don't know if other people see the same good things I see when I look at myself, and I'm always trying to figure out how I look in their eyes.

What doesn't kill you helps you graduate!

I have so many things to be thankful for right now:

1. Start of April work count: 3 papers, 3 presentations, 2 final exams, 1 case study, 1 reflection paper. Current work count: 1 presentation, 1 paper. Hallelujah!
2. I chose my fellowship placement for the summer, and we are all mutually delighted to have me.
3. I had a great interview as the final source for my last paper; education + networking = awesome.
4. My intake today consisted of actual foods with recognized nutritional value.
5. I can go to bed whenever I feel like it tonight, with no guilt about staying up late or going to bed early. I choose early!!

I wasn't sure I'd make it through today successfully - so an extra hooray for that! Thank you, and good night.

The easiest major life change I ever made

So, I commented back at the beginning of the year that I was struggling with the change in my diet because I hadn't planned it out very well, and I was a little worried at how well it would take. Turns out, I didn't need to worry so much. I've discovered a number of things over the past 3 months, which kind of make me laugh at how big a deal I was afraid this would be.

It started when I went shopping shortly after that post, and realized how little my shopping list really changed. I do eat a lot of non-meat items already: cereal, pasta, fruit, veggies. The first time I went shopping, the only major difference was that I just didn't get kielbasa. In the time since, I've found myself buying more salad greens, trying to get a few more different types of veggies (in addition to just getting broccoli, buying asparagus and sweet potatoes and regular potatoes) in addition to broccoli), testing out a new fruit or two (I love avocados!! Also, I want to get some grapefruit when it comes into season), and getting more dried fruit to snack on. I am hoping to get more adventurous as I go along, but it was nice to know that I could take meat out of my diet and still eat things I like.

I also couldn't have picked a better place to live if I wanted to make this change. Right after I discovered that my shopping list didn't change much, I also discovered that it's not all that hard for me to get sustainable meat. In the summer, I have my local farmer's market, and I can't wait for it to open again. But even now, I have the option of joining one of multiple meat CSAs in addition to regular produce CSAs, buying at Harvest Co-op or at Whole Foods - or just walking down the hill from my house. That's right: last fall, a local cafe opened up a market as part of its operation that only sells locally produced goods - bread, cheese, veggies, chips, toiletries, dairy, and yes, meat.

This store, Sherman Market, has totally transformed my idea of shopping. The first time I went in, I asked the shop owner what she knew about the farms where the meat was coming from - and she answered! She told me about the two different farms, and we discussed their practices and which she liked better. In my later visits, I got taste tests and recommendations for good cheese from another employee; I discussed jams with the owner; and we went on a web fact-finding search in the store to see what information we could get on the sources of meat processed at a local smokehouse. Grocery shopping is a completely different experience at this store: friendly, personal, interactive, informative, deliberate. I look forward to the times when I get to go shopping there, which is unheard of for me and groceries, and it makes me realize the personal value-added in a local economic network.

Finally, as if all that didn't make my life change easy enough, my community of friends takes away almost all the social challenge of becoming a sustainable-local-meatatarian. In the first couple of weeks, I had a hard time remembering to tell folks about my food restrictions; but I've gotten better at that now. However, the part that surprised me is how often my friends were already eating sustainable local meat! Within my first month, I went to an event where someone brought delicious pulled pork, and I was afraid I might have to break my resolution in the first 30 days. But when I asked my friend where her meat came from, expecting to be disappointed, she told me that her mother had bought a pig from a local farm, kept an eye on its raising, and then now they had killed and were eating it. In another case, friends invited me to dinner and we ate beef sliders made with meat from their CSA (not to mention homemade bread); and in yet another, a friend had chorizo sausages from animals raised in the mountains of Spain near where he visits his family (local and sustainable in the place where it came from, and hand-transported, so I'm counting it).

The point is: I feel amazingly blessed to be in a place where I can make this transition in a very supportive community. It makes clear the whole pattern of all of the steps that God has been leading me through to get me to this particular point in my life (at least as far as my food-ecology consciousness), where everything would come together in this way. Pretty cool, huh?

Things I am glad I didn't think too much about before becoming a semi-vegetarian

So, I was tortured with meat by my sisters on our ski trip last weekend. Apparently, they forgot about the whole major-dietary-change thing ... and kept forgetting about if for THREE DAYS. I'll get you all.

We'll start with a happy story: we stopped for pizza on our way up to the mountain Saturday, and I figured I'd have to get some sort of plain cheese thing, or some sort of veggie nonsense with olives and peppers and onions. (There are many vegetables I love, but those are not among them.) I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I could custom-order a slice of veggie pizza with just broccoli and mushrooms. But the awesomest thing about my pizza was that when they said broccoli and mushrooms, they literally meant, "I am going to take a head of broccoli and some mushrooms, cut them up into awesomely giant chunks of flower and stem right now, put them on your pizza, and bake it for you." I had fresh broccoli on my pizza, just like I'd cut it up and steamed it myself. Dominic's in Pocono Lake, PA, you rock!

But my tide of vegetarian happiness was broken on the rocks of Saturday night dinner. I enjoyed a lovely salad, baked potatoes, and garlic bread. But what I did not have were the ribs. Sweet, tangy, pork ribs. Tender ribs, smothered in barbecue sauce. Ample ribs, whose delicious smell teased my nostrils as my companions returned for second helpings. Sad, origin-unknown ribs that I therefore could not eat.

The next morning was the bacon ... but I can live without bacon. (Sausage is another story.) The bacon did prompt some morning nausea, but it's possible that was more alcohol- than meat-related. (Did I mention that the tagline of our trip was, "We do go skiing ... eventually.") I was also not swayed by the deep fried chicken wings the night before, and especially not by the deep-fried Slim Jims that were produced by some of the boys as the evening wore on. (That was also an idea more alcohol- than meat-related.)

The true meat mourning came with Sunday night dinner. At which point, just to be cruel, a plate of sliders was waved in front of me. Not just any sliders: White Castle burgers, fresh from the frozen food package. And they were literally waved in front of me.

This was when I realized that I don't miss meat - I miss junk meat. I miss beef jerky. I miss Chinese food pork spareribs. I miss bourbon chicken. And if someone had pointed out to me at the time I made this decision that I would never again eat a White Castle burger, it is entirely possible I might not have gone through with it.

I'm glad this revelation came after I've been doing this for more than a month; I feel like it's too late to turn back now, and I have to stick to my guns. I'm trying to figure out if I can morally declare an annual junk-meat holiday, but the jury's still out on that one. In the meantime, I'm passing through some delayed stages of meat grief. (Huh, is the junk-meat holiday evidence of bargaining?)

Feed me, Seymour!

One thing you should know about me: I pretty much always want to eat. And when I want to eat, I want to eat meat.

Which makes my 2010 dietary change to mostly vegetarian a real kicker. I blame it on The Omnivore's Dilemma, which I read as part of my continuing exploration of my personal and our societal relationship. I strongly recommend the book; I think if you read it seriously, it's hard to avoid taking a deep look at what and how you eat. My transformation began with In Defense of Food, which I read this summer and loved for its reminder of the common-sense basis of eating, rather than all this nutrition/diet fad nonsense. The Omnivore's Dilemma put me face-to-face with some of the realities of industrial food production (both meat and vegetable); some of the stuff I'd known anyway, but I guess for some reason this presentation made it impossible to ignore the health and justice issues behind the way that most of us eat as Americans. So, it was time for a change.

Don't get me wrong - I still love me some meats. And I will still eat it, but only if I know where that meat comes from, and enough about how it was raised and how it was processed to feel comfortable that it was done in a good way. I don't have a moral issue with eating meat, but I think the way our current food system produces meat has changed something natural and healthy into something gluttonous, wasteful, cruel and unjust.

It's a tough adjustment, though; I didn't really plan out what the change would be like. Figuring out what to eat, how to shop, how to eat out ... and I guess I need to tell folks, so they know. I've never had dietary restrictions that people needed to work around, so that's kind of an odd thing to have to do now. I'm also still thinking through the fish part; right now I'm eating it regardless of the source, but I think that's going to change over the course of the year.

I'm discovering that the food system and food justice is becoming a big topic of interest with me, particularly local/urban agriculture. I'm hoping to do a couple of CSAs (produce and meat) with my landlords and/or some friends nearby, I'm getting to know the awesome new market in my neighborhood that sells local food of all sorts, and I'm starting to hook up with urban agriculture organizations and interested people in the area. I have a feeling this is going to become a bigger and bigger part of my life; I'm quite curious as to how it will play out over time.

On the plus side, I just had a surprisingly super-delicious bowl of Target-brand pasta. Cheers!

Random observation

OK, so I'm not fit by any stretch of the imagination, as both my ever-present belly and my consistently low cardiovascular endurance demonstrate. But I also feel like I'm a reasonably active person; I get around to many places by walking, and I have to go up that darn hill to my house every single day. Not to mention, while other very fit people are doing that with only 120-160 pounds on them, I'm carrying 200+ with me all the time.

I've always wondered: why doesn't the simple act of hauling myself around count for more towards my fitness? I mean, I'm not slouching around on a couch or in a car all the time; I walk, I take stairs, I still have to run for that bus or train and I can usually make it. I can walk 2-3 miles on a whim when I decide it's a nice day and I want the fresh air ... I feel like I should be much more fit than I appear.

Mind you, I'm also firmly convinced that I'm a very muscular person - it's just hidden under a mostly opaque layer of fat. I swear, if you took away my belly, my abs are like a rock. :-)

Healthy Lifestyle Update #3

OK, so I haven't posted about this in a while, mostly because I've been doing an abysmal job keeping my healthy lifestyle resolutions. So, in the spirit of any annual resolution, I'm trying to get back on the wagon now that spring is here and the sun is making me feel more inspired.

Today is the first day of my new healthy lunch plan. I've been struggling with this, because I have a hard time finding things that a) I like to eat, b) are healthy for me, and c) require almost no preparation. I was doing OK with making sandwiches for a while, but finding lunch meat that didn't have a giant cupful of sodium is quite difficult, and the packs that I did find were expensive and tiny.

So then I feel off the wagon, and starting eating burritos every day, plus the occasional fast food breakdown (in my defense, it was very occasional, like, twice in total). And I didn't have any food at home to cook (again, must meet criteria a, b and c), so Lord knows what I ate out/ordered in to satisfy my meal requirements. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty, and when I discovered over Easter weekend during dress fittings for my sister's wedding that I'd gone up another dress size, I was very, very unhappy.

Two weeks later, here I am, trying to establish a reasonable eating plan (and get myself a dress size down, because I refused to order a dress in the size that fits me right now ... don't judge me for being a little irrational). I don't know if this quite counts as balanced, but I'm going with hardboiled eggs and oatmeal or cereal (in an appropriate portion) in the AM; another hardboiled egg and tuna/carrot/lettuce salad for lunch; trail mix of nuts and dried fruit for a little snacking when needed; and pasta or rice with tuna (and some greens, when I remember to make them) for dinner. Portion control is equally important for lunch and dinner, although I feel pretty OK if I decide to gorge myself on carrots (not so much on rice or pasta, though). I'm trying to get in good protein, fruits and veggies, the healthy-for-you oils and some not-too-evil carbs. As another snacking or breakfast option, I also have cantaloupe.

When I eat out - which I want to reduce for cost as well as health reasons - I'm working to focus more on salad-y type items with chicken, and less on red meat and carbs. Also, since the weather is nicer now, I'm trying to get back on my walking program, and to try and take at least one longer weekend walk, too.

On that note, here's a cruel contradiction (which may include a little TMI, so forewarned is forearmed as usual on my blog): because I'm a lady of ample thighs, they move back anfd forth against each other when I walk, and during the summer when I'm not wearing pants or stockings, it causes irritation. In a terrible trick of fate, this happens because I actually do walk around quite a lot, but it also happens because I apparently don't walk (or do other forms of exercise) quite enough to lose the thigh weight. So amazingly, the problem is the result of being both too active and not active enough, all at the same time. Ay, there's the rub ... literally. :-(

At any rate, so far today my lunch and breakfast have been tasty and filling, and I walked home from the store with my groceries last night; I hope it's a good sign. I was a little disappointed that my healthy eats weren't quite as healthy-earth as I wanted them to be; my carrots, lettuce, cantaloupe and tuna definitely don't qualify as local eating. With the advent of summer and the farmer's market season, I'm looking forward to being able to go more local on some of those items over the next 4-6 months.

Healthy Lifestyle Update #2

So, I've fallen off the wagon a little bit in some things; I'm finding that when I am stressed or angry, I'm also very insistent on indulging my bad food habits or not taking the time to exercise. The lowlights:

1. I broke down and ate at Burger King this week. Well, not so much broke down as got pissed off and petulant because I was tired, hungry, rushed, and in pain from being at the dentist (more on that later). I am definitely an emotional eater, particularly a stress eater.
2. I also was lax on my stairs this week; I think only one day did I go up all four flights in my office building. I'm pretty good about taking stairs in the T and elsewhere, but that walk up to my office is hard to do on a day when I feel tired, overwhelmed, or at all under the weather physically.
3. I have not walked home from Central in a couple of weeks.

Nonetheless, there are some highlights as well:

1. I'm doing pretty well on buying my food. This is working better for me for breakfast and lunch than for dinner, because I haven't yet found that right balance between things that are healthy and things that are fairly simple and easy for me to make. We're working on it, though, and I've been very consistent about bringing lunch and either eating breakfast at home or bringing breakfast to work. I need to regularize my shopping a little more to keep going on this; it would be good for me to pick a day and designate it as "grocery day."
2. This past Thursday, my boyfriend and I made dinner together. This may sound like a small accomplishment, but it's pretty huge in light of the fact that we haven't made dinner together in months, and we almost always eat out or get take-out. I loved it that we both got to the point where we were just tired of eating out constantly, and on the same night had the initiative to go buy some food and cook it. I'd like to do more of that, at least once every couple of weeks to start.

I do have a new health item to add to my list though: my dental care. I had a horrible visit to the dentist on Friday - not my dentist's fault, because she is really great. But my gums aren't in great shape, and the cleaning process was totally painful. My biggest issue is not flossing, so I'm working on a new commitment in my path to better body care: I have to brush every morning and every night, no exceptions. In the morning, I have to do mouthwash every time; at night, I have to floss every time.

Now I know that ideally, my dentist would like me to do all three of those things together twice a day or more, but I'm trying to start realistic here. It's a big step to make sure that I'm flossing at least once a day every day, so we'll see how well I do there before setting myself the next goal. RS, we can be floss buddies!

Healthy Lifestyle Update #1

Thank you to those who have asked how this is going! As a reminder, here were the resolutions:

1. I'm just not allowed to go to McDonald's, Wendy's or Burger King. Seriously.
2. I'm also not allowed to drink soda. Water, tea, or real juice ... oh, plus alcohol. ;-)
   
3. In good weather, I should try to walk home from work 2-3 times a week; in less amenable weather, I should at least walk home from Central Square that many times a week.
4. I should take the stairs up to my office when I first come in, and always take the stairs down.
5. I need to go grocery shopping every week, to buy the following for the week ahead: cereal and milk for breakfast; bread and lean meats for lunch; fruits and nuts for snacks; some sort of green vegetables and some sort of grain (rice, corn, something) for dinner.

Here's the report so far:

1. I fell off the wagon on the McDonald's thing while I was traveling last week ... although I generally did pretty well bringing my own healthier food along with me when I was going back and forth, or purchasing good food when I didn't have my own, I had a carbs craving while in the DC Amtrak station heading back to Boston, and Starbucks had no blueberry muffins. You wouldn't think that means the next option is automatically french fries, but sadly, it did.
2. So far, no soda ... I think it's been all water, tea and juice, as far as I can recall.
3. The travel schedule kind of threw this out of whack, since I was rushing around with luggage a lot; however, I did walk home last night, and I've done it a couple other times. I'm working on getting more consistent now that I'm back at home for a good long while.
4. I've been really good about this! There was one day when I missed going up stairs, and today I was with a friend who took the elevator down, but otherwise, I'm huffing up those 5 flights every time I come into the office. I'm also trying to take the stairs as much as possible in other places such as the subway.
5. The next few weeks will be the test of this one; I did go shopping the week before last week's crazy travel, and I have to do it again tonight for this week. But since I went shopping that last time, I've had enough food that I really only ate out once. That might not sound like such a big deal, but it's a big improvement over the pattern of eating out 3 or 4 times a week that I was on at the beginning of the month.

I appreciate the accountability; please keep checking in!!

Trade-offs

So, in keeping with my new resolutions, I dutifully went to the grocery store last night - at which time I was faced with a whole new conundrum: what to buy? Since I'm not only trying to be healthy for me, but also healthy for the planet, how do I figure out the balance between what I like to eat, what's good for my body, and how, where and by whom it was produced?

The Massachusetts apples were easy. I stared at the Chilean grapes and the Spanish clementines for quite some time, torn between longing and an overwhelming sense of my huge carbon footprint. I decided instead to go for the California carrots, but I chose organic over
non-organic to try and make up for it. I decided against the Florida strawberries - honestly, they just looked weird, huge and prematurely ripened - but I did also select some fair trade bananas (origin unknown).

With my packaged goods, I was going more on health content - low sodium, low carbs, low fat - but I also tried to choose the nicely raised meat and good grainy bread, both from somewhere in New Jersey, I think. (Of course, these locations could just be of the distributors rather than the actual producers, but it's what I have to go on at point of sale.) When looking at dietary info, always check the serving size!! Some are more realistic than others ... I think one pack of sliced meat assumed that I was only going to put a single, very thin slice of turkey breast on my sandwich, where as the package I bought was more realistic (two slices of reasonable thickness).

Finally, I went with some of my staple organic cereals (Puffins), some regular cereal (Post Raisin Bran, which scored pretty well on the health count), and my organic, lactose-free, low-fat milk (thank you, thank you, Organic Valley Co-op in Wisconsin!!). I got some dime-bags of bulk spices to season my pork chops (oh, yeah, I forgot to list those), organic vanilla and almond, and Harvest's Pacific Almond Trail Mix for my protein/sweetness snack.

Oh, BTW - mad props to my grocery store, The Harvest Co-op in Central Square. They were bringing healthy food options to underserved urban neighborhoods long before Whole Foods came on this scene (it may seem hard to imagine, but Central Square and Jamaica Plain were once decidedly not trendy places to live), and they share the profits with their customers. Hooray for Harvest! I wish they'd open more branches.

Woman on the Verge of a Body Breakdown

Happy New Year! It's not that I haven't had things to blog about; it's just that life seems to be happening too fast to stop and write about it. However, I decided there's no time like the present to get back into the habit of pausing to reflect and record my thoughts.

Unfortunately, my first reflection of the year is not a good one. I had my annual physical today, and my doctor confirmed what I've already known for sometime: I have bad lifestyle habits that are only increasing my health risks, particularly the ones my family history predisposes me to anyway - obesity, hypertension, heart disease, diabetes. I'm not in a terribly awful place yet, but I'm continually creeping closer with each year.

My doctor (who was super great to talk to and thorough about my physical, by the way; I am so glad I switched physicians!) gave me a little brochure about how to lower my blood pressure, and other tips and warnings about my exercise and eating habits. I totally know and agree with her about everything she's saying; my problem is that I never seem to consistently put it into practice.

I have a serious discipline issue; without external motivators like deadlines or having to meet someone else's expectations, I'm incredibly lazy. I don't do anything consistently just for my own good except perhaps sleep - an even that I don't do consistently the way that I should. I'll start off with a new idea, keep it up for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, and then just peter out when I let other things get in the way.

Everyone says to choose changes that will make sense with who you are and what you know is feasible; but it's not that (in most cases) I'm trying things that can't be done. I'm just trying things that require effort, and change from what I prefer for my immediate gratification. It's not impossible to walk home a portion of my commute, even in the cold months; it's not impossible not to go eat from McDonald's or Wendy's when I need lunch, it's not impossible to go grocery shopping so that I don't have to eat out for lunch, it's not impossible to set a bedtime and a wake up time and stick to them both. I just don't, 'cause I don't feel like it and the harm isn't so immediate that it prompts me to action.

I'm treating my body much like we're treating the earth as a society these days, using it up and doing bad things to it because those things are quick and easy and get me things I want right now without having to deal with the horrible consequences right away. But of course, my body - like the planet - gets damaged and run down and things stop working properly and it gets harder and harder to do what I need or want and eventually it all catches up to me and I'll get sick and die, first slowly and uncomfortably, then acutely and painfully. I'm not trying to be morbid; that's the real deal on what's about to happen. What's funny is that I've actually made more lifestyle changes to try and "save the planet" (although, admittedly, not many or large ones) than I am willing to do to stay alive and well.

Well, in the spirit of new years and resolutions and all that jazz, let's see how long I can keep up the following. If someone would remember to periodically ask me about this and try and keep me accountable, that would actually be super helpful (external motivators, remember?).

1. I'm just not allowed to go to McDonald's, Wendy's or Burger King. Seriously.
2. I'm also not allowed to drink soda. Water, tea, or real juice ... oh, plus alcohol. ;-)
   
3. In good weather, I should try to walk home from work 2-3 times a week; in less amenable weather, I should at least walk home from Central Square that many times a week.
4. I should take the stairs up to my office when I first come in, and always take the stairs down.
5. I need to go grocery shopping every week, to buy the following for the week ahead: cereal and milk for breakfast; bread and lean meats for lunch; fruits and nuts for snacks; some sort of green vegetables and some sort of grain (rice, corn, something) for dinner.

I think that's about all I can reasonably take on for the moment. Let's see what happens!

PS. I'd like to state for the record that ideal body weights and BMIs published for the general population are kind of horse-dookie, since they don't take into account any variations of body type by ethnicity. The last time I was at the "average" weight they say I should be at now, I was 17 years old and a state-level sprinter.
PPS. The "girlie parts" portion of my annual exam will be looked back on by medical historians as a barbaric, invasive technique that was originated by someone who was definitely not trying to practice his love with women (as our outgoing President recommends).

Walk the walk

Can you walk and blog at the same time? So far, the answer is yes; but I'll let you know when I run into someone.

After 4 days off due to a travel-related suspension, I'm back on the walking wagon. As I said to a friend on the phone just now, it was important for me to get back to it before I lost the habit. To date, that's been one of the pleasant surprises; while Lazy Me still whines about being tired at the start of a walk, Committed Me keeps pushing to stick it out, and seems to keep winning.

(As I'm discovering, the greatest danger in walking while blogging is not other people; it's the pavement upon which I am destined to trip any minute now.)

Before I reach death through face-plant into Mass Ave., I will just close by saying I'm really digging this walking thing, and I think there's every chance that I'll keep it up for the next couple months. We'll have to work out a plan, though, during the Rock Road Tour this summer. Perhaps a morning jog in the Grand Canyon?

The weight complex

(It's a 2-for-1 bonus day! That's what happens when I get backed up with blogging.)

I often wonder how people would describe my physique - full-figured? chubby? overweight? fat? I don't really have any very good sense of how I look compared to other people around me or how I look in other people's eyes. When I check myself out in the mirror, I see some lumpy pockets that I'd like to be rid of, and I wish for the re-emergence of my collarbone; but I also pretty frequently look at myself clothed and naked and think, "That's pretty darn hot" or, "I look so cute today!" Bumps and lumps gained over the years notwithstanding, I still find myself very attractive.

But I do often think about losing some weight. To get to wear all the clothes I want to wear right now would be about 30 pounds; to get to my ultimate fighting weight for my age and body type would be about twice that. Those numbers usually sound daunting enough to me, given what I expect would be my difficulty in maintaining the lifestyle regimen required to achieve them; but on top of all that, I think I'd have an even bigger difficulty with what would happen should I ever achieve them. What's the net result if you drop the weight but gain a giant chip on your shoulder?

Because I assure you, I'd have one. The first time someone said to me after I lost the weight, "Oh, you look so great!" the response in my head (and maybe aloud) would be, "Oh, did I look so awful before?" And the first time I got asked out by a guy who had known me all along but never said anything to me until I dropped a few dress sizes, I'd be thinking, "Oh, I see - now I'm worth your time and energy." It would be mostly insecure, rude and ridiculous - but not entirely. I can't guarantee that once I get svelte I'll always stay that way, and if people's interest in me as a likable, lovable person is in any significant part dependent on my measurements, I do have quite an issue with that. I get really frustrated with thinking that I have to be just so - physically, emotionally - in order to be socially acceptable.

Anyway, all this is to say that I have developed an extreme resistance to losing weight, as a kind of "screw you" to social expectations. It's not especially productive for me, however - I have my own health and aesthetic reasons for wanting to be more trim, and I've been letting all that social pressure still run my life, even if it runs it in the other direction from what is typical. I am also inherently lazy, and I don't like do any exercise that requires too much out-of-the way effort or isn't fun for me. So I was inspired by a friend to try a new way of exercising: walking for transportation.

I was on this kick for a little while a couple years ago, and I'm coming back to try it again. The great thing about walking for transportation is that I can take the focus off of my weight complex and put it on the necessity of getting from A to B. This is where living off of the train line has its advantages: since it usually takes me 45-60 minutes to get to and from work anyway, an hour-long walk doesn't seem like such a big difference in efficiency, and then I get a health benefit as a bonus. I'm not walking to work, because that leaves me stinky without adequate washing facilities at my office; but on the way home, who cares if I'm stinky except me? I started on Wednesday, and so far, so good ... the walk home is about 2.5-3 miles, which is an impressive daily walk for me, anyway. And on the weekends, I'm trying to make sure that I walk to and/or from the subway station when I'm going out and about, which gets me just under 1.5 miles each way.

I'm primarily hoping for (or only trying to think about) the health-related results: stress reduction, better sleep, improved cardiovascular fitness, a little muscle conditioning. I'm trying not to set any weight-loss expectations; if something happens, I get to be pleasantly surprised, but if nothing happens, I'm trying to avoid being disappointed and to focus on the positives that are coming out of it. I don't know if all these Jedi mind-tricks will work, but we'll see how I feel in a month or so (i.e., as we approach the end of Project Reunion).

So now, I'm off to wash and walk down to the subway with a big bag of disposable electronics. A happy Saturday to all!