Burnin' down the house

An interesting New Year's Eve exercise just took place in my bathroom ...

I made a list of everything that was weighing me down right now, everything big or small that I was worried about. It was a long list, and for a little bit I was really hoping that the Lord would just float it away out of my hands and into the sky. When that didn't happen, I was at a loss for a little while - how exactly do you give a list of burdens over to God?

Who knows if this was the right way, but here's what I did: I saw that some things on my list were actionable items (like finishing my grad school application), while others were state of mind and being questions that I have no idea how to address. So I made a list of the action items and separated them into short- and long-term. Then I realized that the long-term items were really burdensome, too ... so I just burnt them up, together with the full long list. What I have left: 10 items that are low stress, and that I can actually do something about.

It's not that the other things went away, or that I'm ignoring them or don't ever have to deal with them. But I'm admitting that I have no clue what to do, and that these are things I cannot figure out on my own, or accomplish through sheer force of will. I had to give them into the hands of someone more capable, who knows what to do and can guide me.

I think that's a little part of what it means when they say God doesn't give you more than you can bear. I don't think he expects us to address these big burdens alone, and sometimes he doesn't expect us to address them at all - he knows that many things are his work, not ours. The list of things he just gave me to address isn't more than I can bear at all - it's totally doable. I'll only get overwhelmed if I start taking back things that are to much for me, that he hasn't given me to tackle right now.

I almost feel like I should do this every month; it would help me to focus on just what the Lord has put on my plate to do, and to lay everything else down until he tells me to pick it up. But next time, my sacrifical altar goes outside, so I don't smoke myself out of my room again. ;-)

Taking a break(down)

One of the most overwhelming things about this year has been the sense that there was never any time to stop and think about what was going on and how I felt about it and how I wanted to handle it. That's been true from near the beginning of the year, when an upsetting email from a co-worker made me consider quitting on the spot, right up until this past Wednesday.

An email from my ex started the collapse, as it caused me to reflect on all the pain and confusion that I am still carrying around from that relationship. Then it moved on to more general issues of loneliness, spiritual dryness, lack of purpose, abandonment by God, and utter confusion about where my life is heading. And I kept saying to myself, "I just want the world to stop for a week, so I can figure all of this out. Why can't everything just stop?" When you're imagining opportunities for hospitalization just so you can get some peace and quiet, that's likely a signal that something is amiss.

And then I guess I finally realized - the only way to take a break was for me to take it, responsibilities and pressures be damned. So I canceled the rest of my week, wrote an email to my friends and family announcing Stage 1 of my nervous breakdown, and wrote a less tongue-in-cheek email to my employers informing them of my mental health issues and need for some periods of rest immediately and in the upcoming weeks.

Two amazing things happened:

1. Contrary to my general mistrust of people, when folks were informed of my distress, they were both supportive and generally appreciative that I shared. That's more to be expected of my family and friends (although my trust issues tell me you never quite know with anyone); but the real surprise was how supportive and accepting my employers were. I was pretty worried that I'd get some reactions of, "Hey, do we really want this crazy lady at the helm of our company?" Instead, there was a lot of understanding and a real desire to make sure that, first priority, I got well. The positive calls and emails were a balm to my spirit.
2. The break actually worked! While I am not at all fully recovered from the major depressive episode in which I've been for several months, I did see my therapist for the first time since March; see my chiropractor for the first time in 2 months; have a wonderful time of social interaction and good conversation with family and friends; find a potential source of supplemental income for the new year; and finally get it together to begin a real search for a roommate. This last is a particular sign of progress ... I have been so overwhelmed and distressed for the past 3 months that I couldn't even handle the thought of addressing my housing situation, despite the looming financial issues that not searching would cause for me and my landlords (who are fabulous and don't deserve to suffer for my crazy).

I also realized that I don't need to be in contact with my ex any more. I've been on a combined search for closure/quest to be supportive of him in a difficult time of transition (yes, despite the fact that he never asked for or especially welcomed my support). Well, he has a girlfriend now, so my misguided sense of responsibility for the latter can be released; and as for the former, the only things I want to hear from him would be bracketed before and after by a phrase similar to, "I'm sorry for breaking up with you like the world's biggest jerk; there was no excuse." Since that's highly unlikely to happen, I realized I don't really need to talk to him. Whatever else he would say is just an excuse for the inexcusable; no matter how horrible of a girlfriend he thinks I was (which itself would be a matter of heated debate), you just don't walk away without saying a word to someone you've professed to love and planned a life with for 3 years. So, I'd rather not carry any part of that relationship into another year ... time to start fresh.

Also, on the subject of my wonderful landlords, they invited me up for a great little dinner with some other friends this evening, and it was just a really nice time getting together with them. It's nice having a little family away from my family, so I don't feel so alone up here. Which reminds me that I need to stop saying that I'm all alone; while my friends may not be live-in, blood relatives, or life partners, I have a pretty darn good network of support, and I need to both recognize and use it more often.