A very Good Friday!

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

-- Psalm 51:1-12

Today is a beautiful day - literally and figuratively. Turns out, last night was not a mope; it was a wonderful, freeing calling.

God is calling me to be single. That's something that we talk about as a hypothetical, but rarely as a concrete reality of someone's life. In single Christian circles, it's the holy thing you're supposed to say: "If God calls me to be single, then I will accept it ..." But no one talks about receiving that calling, and what it might be like; there's always kind of an assumed "... but I'll also be ready when He brings me my mate." If we do say someone is or was called to be single, it's more something that kind of happened to them over time, as the hoped-for mate did not appear and they resigned themselves to their situation.

I suppose I could also fall into the category of someone whose hoped-for mate hasn't appeared, and maybe some would describe my current mood as merely resigning myself to the facts of the case. But it doesn't feel like resignation ... it feels like revelation, a moment of clarity when I am understanding what God has for me - and when I am looking forward to what that means for me, not trying to accept what I'm leaving behind. A friend today was also referring to it as my decision; and I guess it is a decision in some ways, but it's not like I just laid in my bed last night and decided that celibacy for the rest of my life was the best option I could come up with. The decision is to follow the leading I received, not from within me, but from a Spirit beyond me.

It's a decision to be obedient to what I heard, and it fills me with excitement. I think of the disciples, when Jesus came to them and called them. They immediately got up, left what they were doing and what they had, and followed him. I imagine them tossing aside their nets and their money boxes and springing up, only looking at Jesus, knowing something amazing was ahead.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
-- Matthew 16:24-25

These verses have a very real and tangible meaning for me today. I always interpreted them as the ongoing work of taking up your cross as a Christian every day - and I still believe that is a valid and helpful interpretation. But I also now understand how one can have a specific cross given to you to bear, a particular thing that you must be willing to take on or give up as part of God's path for you. Amazingly, I also understand how one could take up such a cross with joy and expectation of what you will find, instead of with fear and weariness at the thought of the long road before you.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
-- Matthew 11:29-30

This passage describes how I feel today: light, and free. When I was praying and crying yesterday, I told God I wanted to be free from having to keep going through this cycle; but it was more of a wish than an intentional prayer, and I figured I was destined to keep slogging through with the burden of a spirit that was so untoward. I never imagined He would answer me!

It's not that I don't expect there will be times that I wrestle with this calling, or that there's not still some transition and ongoing formation of my mind in this area. But I feel so happy, and peaceful, in a way that I could not have thought possible, at the notion that I don't need to worry about pursuing relationships and marriage for fulfillment, that I can just take that off the table. In the past, the mere thought filled me with dread at a lonely life stretching on for decades; but now, I am overjoyed at being unbound to do His work and to enjoy all that He is doing in my life. It's a wonderful, inexplicable, powerful change.

My sister is a Mrs.!

How on earth do you describe the week before a wedding? Exhausting, elating, exciting, full of errands. I feel a little like I did after Inauguration, actually; it took a few days for me to recover (in January from the cold, this time from sleep deprivation) so that I could look back on the week and see all of the wonder of it, but when I did, it was pretty darn amazing.

There were so many moments that were just incredible: my sister tearing up during her speech at the rehearsal dinner; the look on my brother-in-law's face as my sister walked down the aisle; my father weeping during the father-daughter dance; my sister dancing with our 91-year-old grandpa; my nephew showing off his moves to Michael Jackson. My sister and brother-in-law's amazing group of friends who came to share their day. All my family - including my uncle - gathered together for the first time in years. My boyfriend there to share the week with me.

The wedding definitely marked the end of the summer for me, and the transition from vacation to fall activities. This was my summer of family, from the wedding to my nephew's Boston visit all the way back to my six weeks of Virginia vacation. I needed the break; but more than that, I needed to center myself with my most important people before I moved on to my next stage of things. It's a little strange being back in Boston without them.

Y'know what else is strange? My sister changed her name! Not that this is unusual in terms of what people do when they get married ... but I still can't get used to her new appellation. Not that she stops being one of us - the gravitational pull of our family is too strong for that! ;-) - but we're now down to only two of us with our maiden names. Who will preserve the family surname for future generations, with all of us being girls? Between me and my youngest sister, who will be the next to change her name on Facebook? (Yes, that's right - it hasn't really happened until it happens on Facebook, no matter what your other legal documents might say.)

Anyway, it was gorgeous, moving, fun, crazy, busy, and fabulous. Just what a wedding should be! It was very labor intensive, though ... as I told my sis, I definitely expect her and her husband to stay together, because I'm only doing all of that for her once. :-)

Time for the good stuff

Well, I'm 2-1/2 weeks into my 6-week Virginia vacation, and the most descriptive term for it is: awesome! Other excellent terms: fun; relaxing; sun-filled; sneezy. (Yeah, that last one is a little weird, but my right nostril is having an allergy fit. Yes, just one nostril.)

My nephew and I haven't quite had a specific schedule, but we've been good about getting out of the house - to the pool; on a very interesting suburban public transit excursion; on errands. He'll also go out and play at a friend's house or at the park, so even if I have to be inside taking care of some business, he's still out and about. We have a limit of about 30-60 minutes of Xbox a day; we're working on cutting down the TV time. (It's tough; we both love TV! Although I think I've had enough cartoons ... at least I'd rather watch the live action teeny-bop shows, if I have to choose among the kid offerings.) Often, when we're in, we do play board games, which are a family favorite pastime; he's beaten me at Payday more times than I like to admit.

I've been shopping, cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, minding the young'uns. It's encouraging, in that I actually don't mind some of the activities that could be a part of housewife-hood and parenthood ... well, the parenting of a well-behaved, fairly independent 10-year-old. (They pop out like that, right?) I even manage to get in occasional periods of personal productivity, like taking care of bills or roommate searching or school-related stuff, or working on the little research project I have going this summer, or working out, or planning wedding things for my sister. I need to work a little more on my discipline in getting up and getting dressed at a reasonable hour (= before 11AM or noon), but overall, I feel like I'm not exceptionally, embarassingly lazy.

The best part of all this is just being here, being chilled out, and getting to make time for all of this. I feel very un-stressed, which is such a lovely change from where I was, and I continue to feel happy and contented. Finances are tight, but not worrisome, and at least I'm earning my room and board by being a useful household and child caretaker. Getting to spend this amount of time with my nephew rocks, because even at close range and constant company, he remains the best boy ever: sweet-natured, funny, loving, smart, goofy, adorable. I don't get to spend as much time with my sister because she does have to do this crazy thing called work; but when she is here, we hang out and have fun. It's great to watch the two of them together, because they so completely love each other. My sister is a great mom, and I am so proud of her for that.

I know I'll have to get ready for more work and less play as September approaches. But I also hope I can take some of this peace back with me, and remember to make time for the best part of my life, which is spending it with people I love. There's nothing like just being able to bewith your friends and family at home; not even necessarily doing anything, but just being together. Good times, yo.

The Plan

(No, not the Cylon plan to destroy the human race ... for that, you'll have to wait for the upcoming BSG movie!!)

Things are quickly settling down as to where I'll be and what I'll be doing in the coming months; this period of my life is quite exciting and fun, as it combines the peace and enjoyment of resting and waiting to see what God puts into place with the surprise of discovering exactly what those next pieces will be. It's like Christmas presents: I know what I put on my wish list, but I never know what gifts I've gotten until the day comes and the package is opened.

Gift #1: I got into grad school! Full time in the Master in Public Administration program at Suffolk University. I found out just a day or two before I went down to see my family in DC/VA, after anxiously watching the mail for weeks.

Gift #2: I got money for grad school! About half of my tuition is covered by a grant/employment fellowship, which totally rocks and makes school quite feasible. I'll still have to take out some loans, but not nearly what I was afraid I might have to do. I'm also going to see if I can try to get another on campus job a few hours a week (ideally, in some way related to what I'm studying) or, alternatively, a little outside job (again, hopefully related to my field, but not so involved that it distracts from my studies) to help with the bills. But the bottom line (no pun intended) is that I should be able to stay in Boston and in my current apartment for the fall.

Gift #3: I still get to spend time in VA with my family! Killing two birds with one stone, I'm going to help my sister out by watching my nephew in July and August (eliminating day care costs and allowing her to work an extra job during those months), and I help myself out by subletting my place so I don't have to worry about paying rent and utilities out of my limited cash reserve for that same period. In a special bonus benefit, I get to be near my other sister while I'm helping her with the wedding planning, and I'll get to see my parents and youngest sister all throughout the summer. So, if you know anyone looking for a July and August sublet, drop me a line! :-)

All in all, it's been a delight to keep seeing what happens next, and to do it in a different way than my normal angsty, trying to figure out how to make everything work, trying to create the options for myself kind of way. I have the blessed luxury of resting - not being lazy or inattentive, but being content in where I am at the moment and knowing that when the next step comes, it will be clear to me and I'll be ready and able to take action. There are still some things that I get nervous about at times - will I find the right sub-letter? do I have enough money to get all the way to September? will I have enough time to get back to Boston and settle in before school? will my relationship with my boyfriend change because of the time apart? - but I'm doing pretty well at turning those worries back over when they pop up. And I remain very, very happy; there's no doubt in my mind that I left my job at the right time, and everything I've done since then has been wonderful time with family, friends and new people I meet. My mom's still a bit concerned for me, but I think she's getting used to my new-found free-time status.

*****

Speaking of free time status, I realized after two weeks of a rather variable waking-dressing-leaving the house routine, I have to give myself a bit more structure. For June, I'd like to make sure I get up, take an exercise walk around the neighborhood, fix myself breakfast and shower and dress before 11AM. For July and August, a friend just inspired me to plan some regular weekly activities for me and my nephew. Not necessarily getting up at the same time every day, but having a day where we go walking or biking around the neighborhood; a day where we go to the library; a day when we go visit my parents at their apartment (and take advantage of the pool in their complex); a day when we go into DC for activities at the museums or other cool places. Hopefully, it will keep us both from watching the Disney Channel and playing Xbox all day ... Although there's sure to be some of that, too!

Things that are neither depressing nor complicated, but AWESOME!

WOOHOOO! The tour is coming, the tour is coming!

http://rockroadtour2008.blogspot.com/

Life at a funeral

A very good friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, and the story of her coming together with her soon-to-be husband is a beautiful testament to how God weaves lives and people in his full time. I witnessed one part of the story earlier this year.

My friend had been talking since last summer about this guy she'd been thinking of, one who she dated many years ago, with whom she felt this returning connection. Over Christmas they met, and the rekindling was confirmed on both sides. There was a plan for another meeting in his home state a couple of months later.

Then my friend's father died, after a struggle of several years with Alzheimer's. I joined her family and their friends at the funeral service - and that's when I saw for the first time the man I knew would be my friend's partner and lover for life.

It's a strange thing to think of in the middle of a funeral, but I kept watching them together and it was clear that they were designed for one another. It was hardly a romantic moment, but perhaps that was part of what made it more clear: this was not about mere attraction and affection, this was about two people sharing the deepest moments in one another's lives. And I said to myself, "I will be telling this story when they get married." (The first thing I said when my friend told me of her engagement a few weeks later? "I knew it, I knew it!!" She said it was the most unexpected response she'd received.)

It's not just the wedding that put me in mind of this story. Today, my sister's new fiance, along with his family and their friends, scattered the ashes of his mother, who recently succumbed after a long and painful battle with cancer. His mother had they joy of knowing of her son's engagement only a few days before she died; and while my parents never were able to meet her, they did join the ceremony today to honor her. It has been a real day of celebration as well as deep emotion: not just of her life, but of the coming together of these two families in my sister and her future husband. And so in yet another way, there is this strong sense for me of the ending of one person's life here on earth becoming the start of a new life and a new future for those who remain after them.

It seems fitting for these two people, who gave such spirits and joy and wisdom among the ones they loved and who loved them. I never was able to know either one; but I feel so blessed to know the legacies they left behind.

And so it begins ...

Yes, departure is still several weeks away, but The Brooks Family Naked Sisters Rock Road Tour 2008 website is already under construction. Stay tuned for more details!

A good day

As much as I complained about aspects of this conference, it was a good one, and this final day was the best. I was tired and not feeling well this morning, so I almost didn't go, but I would have missed the chance to talk with other attendees about all the things I love: environmental justice, economic justice, sustainable food access, interdisciplinary cooperation. While I don't agree with every perspective expressed, these are folks who are really concerned with trying to build good and just systems for our country and our world. I am actually excited about this organization, and the connections I'll get to make through it. And then, finding my coat that had been lost in the hotel for two days was icing on the cake. :-)

I was also glad to be able to show my mom part of what I do for a living, and what I get excited about. She came with me to the Friday awards dinner (featuring Jesse Jackson, and we sat at the table right in front of his seat on the dais) and heard about the different issues we'd been discussing; it inspired her, and she said she felt like "there really are people trying to make a difference." I had great conversations with her and my dad all throughout the days I stayed with them, about politics and economics and the environment and all sorts of things. I really enjoyed being able to share that part of my life with them more than I usually do; I should do it as often as I can, because it's fun and it makes our relationship deeper.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

It's my mom's birthday, and she's awesome. That is all.

Generational sin

I've been pondering this topic for a while now, as I struggle to deal with some of the sin patterns in my own life; as I'm reading through Genesis and Exodus this month, it comes back to my mind again. What does it mean, this idea that the sins of one generation are visited upon the next?

I don't think it's a matter of children being responsible for the sins of their forefathers. I do think part of it is children having to deal with the consequences of their parents' sins, whether those consequences are very personal as in marital strife and divorce, or more communal, as in the legacies of environmental damage and social or economic injustice. But the aspect that is more on my mind these days is the way that sins of one generation, if not confessed and repented and truly dealt with, are passed on to future generations as the behaviors and attitudes that they emulate - even when not consciously taught or openly displayed.

This is very true in my family. Two of the major sins with which I wrestle - depression and sexual immorality - are clearly repetitons of the patterns of one or both of my parents. And from talking with and witnessing my sisters, the patterns were transmitted to their lives too, in some different ways but also some of the same ones. Some of these sins were modeled by my parents' observable behavior, some we only heard about in stories of the past, some had very direct effects in the present on our family.

One of the things I find so interesting, though, is that even the sins we as children might have vowed never to commit came back to us. This was very true for me with sexual sin; I was honestly committed to staying a virgin as a child and young adolescent. But the will alone wasn't enough; I hadn't ever dealt openly with (or even acknowledged to myself) the perversions of my attitudes and inclinations about sex away from the kind of healthy, loving relationship God intended. I never really delved into what sex should be about, what I thought about it at the time, and how to present my body and mind to be truly set apart for the Lord. So when the opportunity to sin found me, I was wholly unprepared to withstand it (or understand its power), and I was easily ensnared.

The trap of depression was also something I fell prey to very early, but never understood a need to fight until much later. I was equally unready for that battle, because it was something my family discussed even less then our sexual family history or present. We didn't talk about who was struggling with depression, or why, or how we treated each other as a result, or what to do about it. I tried to fight with sheer force, blindly; but I never really got at the heart of what I was fighting against until much, much later, when I was forced to examine the deep roots of sin in mistaken attitudes about myself, but ultimately about God.

These are things that I have battled with for years, and that I still struggle with often. The point of this post is not to blame my family - after all, my decisions were in the end my own - but to identify the cycle in order to try and break it. I don't want to pass these things on to my children, as I'm sure my parents wanted not to pass them to us. But how do you stop handings these sins down over and over?

I don't have a clear answer to that yet. I am hoping that the first steps are what I am trying to do now with God's guidance - being honest about where I have been and where I am now; being open about my struggles both to be held accountable and to be able to encourage others who are also struggling; and seeking passionately after the deep knowledge of the Lord and his creation in me and around me. I hope I'll be able to speak truthfully and rightly about these issues with my children. I know they will still make mistakes of their own ... I'm just hoping they won't be the same ones I made.

Kids, how they grow

I was babysitting for my landlords' son tonight, for the first time since they returned from a year-long sabbatical in Norway. In a way, we kind of have to get reacquainted again, both because I haven't seen him in a year and because he has changed so much in that year. I guess that's a bit redundant; the fact that he's changed is really why the fact that he was gone matter so much in the first place. Well, that, plus I just missed having them around.

Spending time with Jacob always brings me to comparisons with my nephew, who is only 6 months younger. There are many similarities between them - both sensitive and sweet-natured, both at that stage of moving from affectionate little kids to boys who hold you a little at a distance. It's cute to see them play together, and to see them be excited but not always wanting to show it at the times they get to visit. The differences are also interesting - Jacob's more intellectual, Kwame more rough and tumble; my sister more strict in discipline but more permissive in what Kwame gets to watch on TV - and the ways the boys respond to different situations as a result. And of course, you don't see a black boy of Ghanian descent and a white boy of Norwegian descent playing together nearly as often as you'd like.

I'm biased; I think my nephew is the best boy ever. :-) But I think I actually know Jacob better, because I've been here watching him grow up, whereas I've been living away from Kwame all his life. Jacob asked me tonight how long I'd been sitting for him, and it's been ever since he was born. After he asked me the question, I started having all these flashback moments: to rocking and singing him to sleep; to distracting him in the kitchen so his parents could leave from the front door; to the long, rambling stories that kids tell from their daily experience and their imagination; to fixing dinner and baking muffins and all these other memories in between. I remember how his room was setup when he was a baby; and when he finally started sleeping in a bed but still needed someone to stay with him to get to sleep, all the clever maneuvering I had to do to leave the room without waking him up once he was finally out.

In another 9 years he'll be a grown man, which is both strange and sad to imagine. I don't know if I'll still be in this apartment, in this state or even in the States by that time. He's the second child I've watched grow like this - the first being my youngest sister, who is now an adult and living away from home for the first time, here with me. The hard part is that of course you want them to grow up and be good, strong people in their own right; but I can't help remembering all those other stages and still wishing for those little kids who trusted me with their worlds.

I love my family!

Nothing posted in a while because I've had family in town since August 9th. I know people say fish and visitors begin to stink after 3 days, but I truly love having my mom, sisters and nephew here; more than anyone else, they are my posse, and it's fun to both doing things and hang out doing nothing while with them. I also like showing them my town, and it tickles me that they all get so excited by how different it is here from the NoVA 'burbs. Maybe they'll finally move back!

Some cute notes:

• My sister was so "city mouse, country mouse" while she was here, but it's the most adorable thing! She makes me take touristy pictures and appreciate all of the things I take for granted living here.
• My nephew is the best, sweetest, handsomest boy ever. If he stayed here a week, he'd probably be bored to death (except when he's playing with my landlords' son), but I would be so happy it'd be impossible to express. Even when he's pouting or in a temper, I still love him to pieces.
• Cooking for 4 people makes a lot of dishes and trash!! But it also makes cooking much more interesting than just doing it by myself. And apparently, having proved that I can make meals for other people without killing them, it seems that if I ever have a future family of my own, they may actually not starve to death.

On the subject of meals, I have no idea how people are supposed to do this going to work and then coming home and preparing a full family meal every day. The ridiculous amount of prep and cleanup time, to say nothing of actual eating, could take up a whole evening every day. The only reason I've been able to do this - and enjoy it - is because half the time, I was on vacation.

Final interesting note - my sister is coming to live with me, and I think I'm just beginning to grasp how big of a transition this will be for everyone. Understandably, she's nervous about being able to hold down a job and support herself on her own for the first time; my mom is going to have a really hard time leaving her here on Monday; and both my sister and I are going to have to adjust to living in a house with each other not as big sister/little sister, but as adult equals. That's a lot of changes ...

... plus, I have to clean up my (now our) disaster of a room to make room for her. Aya!