Fiscal year round-up

So, the vortex of my major work event is over ... I think I'm still recovering from all the consequences. On the one hand, it was a great event for participants, youth and volunteers alike, and we got a very nice press article out of it, and I think it set a good foundation for future events like this for us. On the other hand, I haven't pulled a 34-hour shift since I graduated, and I wasn't ever planning to do that for a work-related activity. It was hard for me to celebrate the success of the day, because I left at the end tired and bitter and not having even seen most of the work that got done because I was trying to hold the seams of the event together with my bare hands. I'm glad no one really felt that on the attendee end of things; we worked so hard to make sure that was what happened, and I wanted all that work to be worth it.

But the carryover from that event finally prompted the open conversation with my board officers about how frustrated I am - and have been for months - with my job. It didn't come out the way I'd hoped; I had to unintentionally let out at the end of a meeting that I was very concerned about whether or not I want to stay with the organization. At first, the reaction to that announcement was so mild that I left even more angry, thinking that it was pretty amazing (= crappy) that I could potentially leave an organization I've led for 3 years and no one really seemed too upset. I think it was shock, though, as evidenced by the emergency emails and meeting that took place last night.

Surprisingly, last night was one of the better meetings I've had with the officers, despite the fact that it got a little emotional on my part. (I'm a crier, and I hate it so much; it makes me feel totally weak and not in control of my emotional expression.) I guess it was finally being able to be open about what was bothering me, and having permission to be frank about that without being told that I needed to buck up or not be so negative. As one of my officers described it, it was finally a "safe place" to be honest about what I thought was going on in the organization, which it hadn't been to date.

There has been a lot going on in the organization; my issues are part of it, but there are some wider things happening in terms of the whole way we do things. We have some very interesting personalities to balance on the board, and some strong voices that have a tendency to overshadow other opinions; other people may disagree with what those voices say, but they're reluctant to speak out in the face of such strong expression. Those two voices, in particular, have been the source of most of my work tension over the past year and a half - they are valuable resources and have a strong commitment to the organization, but they and I don't speak the same language or work the same way, to the point where I feel like I'm almost constantly doing battle in my governance meetings. It was exhausting.

I also think our board hasn't really defined its role very well; that we haven't had a strong, focused plan of action until very recently; and that we are following some models of operating that just don't work for us. My organization is supported by two large, influential organizations in our field, and we often defer to them in terms of the kind of organizational structures we set up, the way we do business, and our expectations. But these are organizations more than 100 years older than we are, with very different missions and purposes, and much larger. I think, in some ways, while we've been fortunate to have their support, we've also been hampered by a perspective that isn't appropriate for who we really are and need to be: a small, young, innovative and nimble organization that may have to find (or make up) its own way of doing what it does. I've raised this time and time again in terms of our programming expectations, but the discussion last night really made clear that it was a broader issue.

So many things were discussed: the level of professional trust and respect for me; my compensation; how we get to know each other and spend time together as a board; what we want our culture to be like; and whether or not this working relationship is still salvageable. I don't know the answer to that last part ... on the one hand, I have put so much into building this organization and I would love to feel like we could work through this and I could stay until I was leaving by choice, not by crisis. I do feel that I haven't done all I would have wanted to do here, and in some ways I see us at the beginning of setting up the things that would move the organization forward and give it - and me - some pretty awesome opportunities. On the other hand, it all depends on these relationships. If I don't feel secure, respected, like I can be a dissenter or questioner when I have to, like I will be cared for as an employees as much as I am caring for the organization, I would have a tremendously difficult time staying here. For some people, they're not as much into all the touchy-feely aspect of their work life, but it's a big deal for me and my personality. That's not such a bad thing, and it's actually one of the strengths that I bring to the position I hold. The challenge is how we learn to work with my strengths and weaknesses, and with everyone else's, so that we're a unit instead of these sometimes collaborating/sometimes clashing parts.

So the conversation continues ... but for now, our fiscal year is coming to an end, and it's been quite a doozy. I've mentioned before that I feel like I'm in a place of constantly being tested by the Lord this year, and like I haven't been doing all that well, to be honest. I'd love for this to be a success story; as they say, I could really use a win!