Crossing the line

There are some things where you don't even need to ask if they are wrong. So what could possibly compel you to do them?

There's no beating around the bush on this one - I've been asked to become the lover of a married man. It's not necessary to remind me of all the reasons why this is horrible, beyond wrong, wrong isn't even a sufficient word. And yet I haven't said no; in fact, I've encouraged this flirtation with full knowledge of his marriage since it started.

I could say I don't know why I'm even considering it, but of course I do. I am tired of being so lonely - and yes, you can be that tired and that lonely. I'm tired of people telling me the virtues of waiting and trusting and how you don't need to rely on men and sex to build you up and to have fun. But you know what? That's a whole lot easier to say when you can rest secure and smug in the knowledge that someone has had sex with you, kissed you - hell, touched you - in the last 2 years. I feel like I'm dead to a whole part of myself, and this person who made this offer makes me feel alive again. He remembers me as a passionate, sensual, beautiful woman; and I need for someone to remember that. I need someone to pay more than lip service to it.

The fact that this is such a deep emotional issue for me is reason #1, from a purely selfish perspective, why I really do need to say no, and why I probably will. While from a physical perspective the appeal of this liaison is undeniable, this person is one of the last people I'd ever trust with my emotional fragility. I'd have to be like a rock, untouchable and unbreakable, to get through this unscathed, and I'm very easily breakable right now. It's not too difficult to see the extreme emotional danger in this one; it's like stepping in front of a moving train. Duh.

And again, staying self-centered - we're not even talking about the effects of this whole business in the life, mind and heart of the other person in question - the damage to my relationship with God and to my witness is acute. I'm already simmeringly upset with God about this whole no-life-partner business, but I've been quietly angry, angry but still trying to stay outwardly obedient; this is open, flagrant defiance. I don't know if you get forgiven for that ... this could be the time when God finally throws up his hands and gives me over to my sinful desires. That scares me - perhaps you really can be separated from the love of God, with no chance of getting back - but (maybe for all the wrong reasons, but still) the witness thing bothers me even more. I've seen how my sexual sin changes not only people's opinions of me but their opinions or understanding of God or willingness to seek Him because of me. God is not low and base like I can be, He's not distant like I act like He is, He's not unfaithful like I accuse Him of. But no one would know that from the way I behave, and I hate that what I do reflects on Him in people's minds, unjustly.

I had judged one of my friends a few years ago when she was so upset about the way that her romantic relationships had gone (devastatingly) that she turned away from her relationship with the Lord. I was very foolish; I should know by now that whenever I start judging anyone from some sin they've committed, that's usually the signal that I'm destined to take that same fall not too long from then. It's not that she wasn't going astray, and that I'm not going astray ... but I perhaps need to remember how easy it is to do, before I give someone "counsel" from my self-satisfied perch. I'll be down on the ground myself soon enough.

I kept hoping that I'd be saved by circumstances: that the logistics of making this happen just wouldn't work out, and the decision would be made for me. I wanted to be able to say "no, I can't" without having to say "no, I won't." I'm not going to get off that easy, I don't think.

The awful irony? I just gave a beautiful, powerful reading about marriage and covenant commitment and trust at my friend's wedding. To be honest, I'm a little surprised I was allowed to do that without being struck down for hypocrisy. Perhaps I should take that as my final stop sign to keep me from stepping on the tracks; might be wise to pay attention.

(Author's note: I put a stop to it, right after I wrote this ... but don't think there's not at least half of me that regrets it.)