The single life

Yes, 'tis true - I am single. After not quite a year and a half of an unexpectedly wonderful relationship, The Architect and I decided that the end of 2009 would also mark the end of our romantic time together.

It's interesting to reflect on how this came about, and on how I've been feeling about the whole thing since it happened. First thought: given that our relationship started out of a very deliberate rebellion against God phase, it is both a big surprise and a gracious blessing that I found, hands down, the best man I've ever dated. I finally learned what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who cares for you, wants to be with you, communicates with you, and allows you to be totally yourself, without reserve. It took me a few months to really accept that good things were going on, as my blog faithfully chronicled; but eventually, I came to realize that I was with an amazing person who I could share so many things with, and who really did love me for who I am. What's more, I discovered that I loved him, too.

Which doesn't sound much like the opening of a break-up story! But as my relationship with God healed while my relationship with The Architect progressed, I had to start facing up to something I'd known all along: this wasn't a relationship with God at the center. The Architect is a pretty committed atheist, and while that could be ignored when we were hanging out and having fun together, it kept resurfacing every time I thought about - or we talked about - the future of our relationship. I could see us going on for months, even years, having a fantastic time together; but I could never see him as my husband, or the father of my children. I couldn't even fathom a marriage ceremony in which we could both participate.

In keeping with the amazingness of our relationship, this was something we could discuss quite openly and honestly, without rancor. We knew who the other person was, what they saw in their future in the moment, how their worldview was formed. And after many conversations, we realized that despite all we shared, we were missing some critical common ground to move forward.

Out of the best relationship I've ever had also came the best break-up. It was a joint decision, and we both understood why it was necessary. We are still friends, and we talk every day. I still get to keep "his" friends. :-) It was hard, and sad, and is an ongoing adjustment ... when you put two sexy folks in a room together, it takes a lot of effort to stay platonic! Nonetheless, I feel more at peace in my spirit than I have in many months, because I feel like I really trusted the Lord's leading and was obedient to His command for me.

I don't love being single, but I'm getting used to it. It's weird - and annoying - to think that I'm "back out there." The idea of The Architect dating another woman fills me with trepidation. The idea of a renewed dating search is equally unappealing, but I also do want to be in a relationship again. I am trying to adopt a mindset that allows me to trust God with the desires of my heart and not think about it so darn much (= all the time!). I am trying to be hopeful about the potential for a life partner, but also at peace regardless of my relationship status. It's tough.

But one of the best things, of so many, that came out of my relationship with The Architect is that I know what a good relationship is - and I don't have the patience to deal with anything less that the awesomeness I've experienced. It's all stuff I shouldn't have been settling without anyway, but now I know those qualities of being with another person aren't theory; they are a reality that God wants and can absolutely provide for me. Since I don't always learn very well just by hearing, I appreciate the hands-on lesson ... I am much less likely to forget the next time, and accept less than what honors and respects a child of God.

I also know I have to wait for a relationship that fully honors Him, and where He is the center. I know that even the most wonderful boyfriend won't be enough if we aren't seeking God together. I have definitely learned this past year that no matter how angry I get, how frustrated, how lonely or tired or discouraged, I just can't live without God in my life - and that's a beautiful certainty.

So 2010 starts with many changes, and many good things that keep going. I hope it will be a year of obedience and trust that produces amazing fruit in my life. I am a little nervous, but also excited!