Redirection

I have to say, my least favorite piece of advice when I am feeling depressed about my relationship status is, "It will come when you're not looking for it." I always feel bad complaining, because it is always so well-meant; but I find that statement singularly unhelpful for three reasons:

1. Dude, I'm depressed. If I had the ability to successfully project and believe in a future in which I felt content and fulfilled ... well, I wouldn't be depressed.
2. The flip side of that statement is, "It hasn't come because you want it and our looking for it." Which makes it my fault that I don't have a relationship because I want it so much, which only makes me hate myself for wanting it too much.
3. Wanting a relationship and not having it is no fun. If I knew how to not want it and be content, I'd be doing that already.

The other advice that often rankles is some version of "Don't focus on the relationship thing; go do other things and be fulfilled." Because despite the recurring temptation to hide out in my house and give up on the world in general, all I do is do other things: Go back to school and finish my degree. Start a nonprofit. Volunteer professionally. Go back to school for another degree. Volunteer in my community. Join a small group. Have lunch with friends. Travel with my family. Research CSAs and become a sustainable meat-eater. I can always find something new to do - and enjoy it - but that wave of loneliness is always waiting in the wings to swoop down in an unguarded moment.

I am going to try a new strategy, however; I don't know how well it will work, but I figure it is worth a shot. All of the above advice is about redirection: trying to put my thoughts and energy into something other than mating. But since I already have a lot of thought and energy going to other things, it seems clear that the problem is much deeper. There is a soul/spirit redirection that has to take effect at the root level of this struggle. Interestingly, that is something I have no ability to control; spirit transformation is God's alone.

So my only option is to try to put myself before him as much as possible, as much as I can remember to. In small group, we've been going through Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, and just this past week we did the chapter on solitude. I was trying a little experiment on Saturday of not filling all of my transitional time (time waiting, time riding the bus or T) with activity (reading a book or the paper, texting, playing games on my phone), and instead, just being still outside and in. It was hard, and weird, but interesting; it's amazing what you hear around you when you're being still that you don't hear when you're filled with internal noise.

I think I'm going to give that an ongoing try. As a bus rider, I have a lot of transitional time! If I use that time in silence, alternated with reading my Bible, I think I might be more open to God's work in this area of my life. I'm not going to call it a resolution, because I never keep my resolutions; I like the notion of an experiment. My hypothesis: using the opportune spaces in my day for Spirit-time will develop an attitude of openness to and peace with God's will. The empirical method has been described. Results to be announced!