God's Victories

This past Sunday at church, a young woman getting baptized gave a beautiful testimony about her coming to faith in Christ. As she spoke, she mentioned not only the joy of discovering and abiding in Him, but also the struggles that she had in her journey. There were times when she truly felt the devil was reaching out to try and draw her away from the new life that God was giving her; but she triumphantly hailed her presence at the baptismal ceremony that day as "one of God's victories."

It seems the best way to describe my journey over the past several weeks - and years - as well. The period of confusion, doubt, dismay, distrust and rebellion that I've gone through over the past two years took me to a place where I came the closest I think I ever have to wondering about the very existence of God. I certainly wasn't convinced of His beneficence, at least toward me; I was pretty sure He was actively ignoring my needs and pleas, and possibly trying to see how much He could throw at me before I just gave up and killed myself. And those weeks where I decided to go back to church for Lent ... yikes. That was awful.

Right up until the end. Somehow, when we got to Palm Sunday and that last Holy Week, something shifted. I honestly can't describe what: I don't know that I had a giant revelation, or that something I hadn't heard or understood before became especially clear, or that I heard a voice telling me everything would be OK. But starting with Palm Sunday, I was able to hear praise songs without bitterness and anger, and I was able to listen to Scripture and find that there was something good in it for me. Going to Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services felt like part of my own walk that I was taking out of darkness and into what was promised after, and when Easter cam at home with my family, I was able to sing again with a sincere and joyful heart.

I could propose a bunch of different theories: God wanted me to have a deeper understanding of suffering as Christ experienced it. I needed to confront all that bitterness and disappointment by going back to church instead of ignoring it. I had some faith lesson that I had to finally work through to get to the right answer. I guess if an explanation, a "reason" is needed to help this make sense to someone, I can pick one of those. By my simpler answer is that God healed my spirit, by His grace, in a way that I don't really understand but am incredibly thankful for. I don't know exactly why I can trust Him again, but I know that I can, and that knowledge gives me incredible joy and peace.

So much joy and peace that I can leave my job at the end of this week and feel very confident about the future. There's a teaser ending for you, huh? :-)