Reflections from a week of being sick

• I do not enjoy bing sick.

OK, actually, that's not entirely true. One thing I do enjoy about being sick is the chance to stay home and rest. Even though my sense of responsibility compelled me to do a fair bit of work from home this past week, it was nice to be able to stop and take a nap when I got tired - or run to the kitchen and grab some food when I get hungry. And while I think I would start to miss the human interaction if I only worked from home, I do very much enjoy the flexibility of working from home when I want to.

• When I am sick, I whine a lot, and I also want people to take care of me like I'm a child.

Sometimes I listen to myself and I have to laugh, because I sound like such a baby. I really do whine and wheedle like a child when I don't feel well and I want someone to do something for me; it's probably unattractive, and it would be slightly embarrassing if I had the good sense to be embarrassed. I have to say, that's one of the parts I hate about being a supposedly self-sufficient, single grown-up - no one takes care of me except me. (Gosh, how depressing that sounds.) And not that I don't have nice friends who would be willing to run an occasional errand or lend me a hand, but I can't really ask any of them to take care of me, like to hang out and entertain me and rub my back and devote any significant amount of their time to indulging my desire to be dependent for a short while. In truth, it's not their job; that's a family member/spouse kind of a deal. So, being single and living hundreds of miles away from my kin, I have to limit and spread around my asks in order not to wear out the welcome. Or just haul my butt out of bed and go down to the store ... but that's no fun at all. ;-)

• My job is very pressure-filled right now.

One of my only two outings since February 21 was to go in to work for a meeting with our development consultant and members of my Board. It was an awful, excruciatingly long, tense and uncomfortable and hostile experience that I don't want to see anything like for a long time. I could go into all of the details, but I'm too tired; one of the reasons, however, why I think people were so tense is because we're all feeling a lot of pressure to really get things right for our organization, because we're at a point that could really determine whether we succeed or fail at this venture. As one of our other consultants was saying a recent proposal, "Every mistake for a small organization is a big mistake;" we don't have the resources to make up for a bad choice or going in a wrong direction with our programming or financial commitments. Combined with the Board still being fairly new, I think this really puts some people on edge, and with the very best motive of wanting to make sure we make the right decisions, they can be exceptionally harsh critics - too harsh.

Of course, the pressure's even heavier on me, because it's my job that's at stake, and a lot of these decisions are either my decisions or recommended by me. Sometimes I totally feel like I am not the person for this job, like we really need to have someone much more capable and stronger and smarter and way more savvy than me. And so many times this year, instead of going through my day and thinking, "I love my job!" I will get to some point in the day and say, "I'm so about to quit." That kind of sucks. What sucks more: if I did quit, or get fired, or the organization folds, I have no idea what else I would do. Not that I don't have marketable skills; it's just that, as much as my current job is kicking my butt right now, there's nothing else that I want to be doing. Ain't that the way? I guess I'd go back to grad school, which seems to be what everybody does when there's an economic downturn and they don't know what else to do with themselves.

• No one knows how funky I really am.

This is not really related to being sick at all, but rather to my other outing this week - a faculty celebration with plenty of salsa dancing. I LOVE DANCING! I think I forget sometimes just how much I love it because I don't do it very often these days, but it's so amazing and freeing and I'm totally myself when I dance. And it's fun! Also, if I went salsa dancing 2-3 times a week (rather than working out at the gym), I would be back to my fighting weight in about a month. My hips don't lie - they are very sore from my two-hour workout!

That said, I get surprised at how surprised other people are by how enthusiastically and sensually I dance. And it makes me think that they've never really seen me get down on a dance floor to a good groove, or really play it up hot with a willing salsa partner; because I get a little dirty. When my freak is totally on, I'll bump and grind with total strangers and have a grand time ... and while other people probably are a little taken aback, it's all about the music, not the sex. Mind you, when I am into someone I'm dancing with, and they're willing to be freaky - well, I've done some things that really ought to have gotten me thrown out of a club for their wild inappropriateness. But man, were those good times.