Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.So, in my church when it's time for Communion, the pastor always gives people a moment to greet each other and for folks to take time to go address an issues they may have with someone present in the congregation at that time. Normally, I just give people the peace of Christ and then sit down; I only know a handful of people in my church well enough to have a beef with them, and any of those people are usually sitting next to me and we've probably worked it out by then. In short, I rarely pay much attention to that little instruction as far as its applicability to my own life.-- Matthew 5:23-24
This past week, however, was a little different. My adjustment to my new roommate has been difficult, much more so than I expected; contributing factors include some differing living habits and expectations, but also the fact that our schedules are so mutually exclusive during the week that one of us is almost never in the house at the same time that the other one is awake. (It's amazing how a shift of just a few hours can do that.) So I've been feeling like I have this stranger in my home; and so every time she'd do something that would irritate me, it was even more frustrating because we didn't have enough of a personal relationship to smooth things over a bit.
Anyway, this past week we had a little argument (via email) about the handling of the dishes in the kitchen. (As an aside, from now on dish-handling will be one of the two initial questions I ask people in any roommate interview.) It wasn't an especially pleasant exchange, particularly on my part, because I'm sharp-tongued and -penned when I'm annoyed. This exchange happened on Wednesday, and in one of her emails, my roommate had asked that we sit down and talk that night. I didn't get that email until I was already out at dinner on Wednesday night.
The next day, I was still irritated, and had another busy evening schedule; Maundy Thursday communion service was that night. But during the day, I kept thinking about our exchange, and the Lord brought to mind the passage from Matthew above. And I started feeling like I couldn't rightly go to communion service when I had this kind of bitterness in my heart and unrest in my relationship with my roommate. So - very grudgingly! - I made arrangements to pop home between work and service to talk it out with her, and I spent much of the ride home fuming about what I'd say.
My roommate and I are a lot alike in many ways; both of us are non-confrontational by nature, and the idea of a "talk" is incredibly stressful emotionally. As it turned out, this talk was not nearly as bad as it could have been ... but that's not due to me at all. My roommate is a very patient, peace-making person, and she responded with calmness when I was expressing my irritation. She's also, although shy like me, much more direct in her communications; when something is bothering her, she will say so, where as I typically stew over something for at least a day. I can see that this is going to be another roommate experience where I learn an awful lot about how to properly live with another person, things that I really need to know (especially if I ever plan to marry anyone one of these days). This time, I think it will be about communication, learning to express what's bothering me in a timely, calm and not passive-aggressive manner; and about learning to control my flash temper, which makes me think terrible, mean things about people whenever I get irritated, even over little stuff that really isn't important at all in the grand scheme of things.
This whole experience got me thinking about what our "holy obligations" really are. During Holy Week, I usually think about them as my obligations to go to service and observe the rituals of remembrance and celebration. Those things are a part of my honoring the Lord; but I tend to forget about the holy obligations that are part of my regular life at home and at work, and I don't think of those things as part of my worship and service. I don't think about taking care of my home and spending time with my roommate as a holy and joyful duty; it's a chore, and one that "gets in the way" of other things I "have" to do. I don't think of having a cheerful and positive attitude at work as one of my worship obligations; and so I continue to go around my tasks with a sense of downtroddenness that spreads out to those around me. I don't think about the need to make open space and time in my life as part of serving God and being available to Him for whatever He needs of me; I'm so busy "serving" him in a whirlwind of activity that ends up with me leaving many things poorly done or undone, because I can't devote my time and attention to them in the way that they deserve.
Today is my spiritual birthday; I've been a Christian for 20 years, since Easter in 1988. I was wondering why, after 20 years, I don't seem to have myself more together than I do right now. (Then I remembered how much of an idiot I was when I was 20, and I felt somewhat consoled. :-) ) This has been a tough last year: my faith has gotten beaten up a bit, and I've lost and then found and then kind of lost again a close relationship with the Lord. I miss January, when I was reading and praying and thinking on His Word regularly; I'm astounded at how quickly - like, February 2nd - all that discipline was right out the window. And this last episode with my roommate made me think about how much I fool myself, thinking that I'm a nice and generous and friendly person when inside I am a mean, spiteful person. I'm feeling a little rough right now ... it's not a happy birthday.
* Author's note: Seeing as it's Resurrection Sunday, I was going to try and end this post on something that wasn't such a downer. But I'm feeling kind of weepy and I can't quite find the happy moral in it all yet, so I think I'll be honest and just leave it where I am.
2 comments:
Hello my fellow Levite,
There's a lot about Judaism that I like quite a bit. One of my favorite parts is the idea that you make peace with your neighbor before you make your peace with God.
"Ummm, we have this idea too. That is in fact the point of this whole post!"
Well, yes. But still it's different. We set aside a few minutes in the service once a month(and that's far more than most congregations do!). For Jews, the focus of the few WEEKS before Yom Kippur is examining your life for any unresolved conflicts and seeking to resolve them.
Weeks. Wow. That can't be a fun few weeks.
However, there's a lot more hope in your post than I think you're seeing. You realized that this situation needed to be addressed rather than festering. You did so, even though that's not at all natural for you. The conversation went far better than you anticipated. You're learning a lot about areas where you need to grow (and we all have them).
You've had a heck of a year, and yet you take a licking and keep on ticking ... battered and bruised, but persevering.
That's not a whole lot of fun, but it's definitely hopeful!
You know what I love most about your blog? You post. Often. And whether you're having a good day or a bad day, you tell it like it is. I admire your honesty. (Plus it makes for a good read...)
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