Confession

It's been a while since I've had this feeling - where I've done something that I know I need to fix, and I just couldn't wait until I could go to someone and tell them, so I could make it right. The last time I can really remember was years ago, when I had to tell my then-boyfriend some of the worst news you can give a significant other.

Oddly, that's how I feel about sharing my budget with my economic discipleship group tomorrow. I actually can't wait to share my budget; not because I'm so great at financial management, but because I've been so bad at it. I develop a budget, but I don't stick to it; and even in that budget, I struggle to give up expenses that I know keep me from giving more to serve the Lord, things that I know are luxuries, but that I keep defining as needs.

I want to confess, so that someone will know and will force me to be accountable for my spending. I wish I were better at doing it on my own; sometimes I feel like I rely too much on external forces to make me do what I need to do, rather than just doing what I know to be right. But I guess right now, I need the support - and correction - of a community; and I've been dying to have that support for so long that it's really exciting to finally get it, even if it means opening up parts of my life that are far from perfect.

I think that has always been one of the comforts of my relationship with God since I really started to know Him; it's difficult at first not to try and hide all those shameful parts, but when you stop hiding it is such a relief not to have to spend all that energy pretending to be perfectly together. As Christians, we aren't as good at opening up or accepting each other as we should be; but I feel like this group is a step in the right direction. Only the sick need a doctor, right?