Betrayed by feminism?

I decided to start re-reading the book "Who Stole Feminism" today because of a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago. She's 29*, a lawyer clerking for a good judge, involved in justice work, and has an active social life. But all of a sudden, she's feeling like she got sold a false bill of goods; after putting off romantic life in favor of the career everyone told her to focus on, she's starting to want to find that life mate, but feels like she hasn't laid any of the groundwork and that all the men of good caliber are already gone. Left with a bunch of guys in their late 20s and 30s who are still "finding themselves," she was wondering - did she miss out?

(* Separate, unrelated rant - when did I start being the oldest person in my circle of friends?? Every time I discover the age of one of my friends, at the most they've only just broken 30, but half the time they're still in their mid-20s. I mean, I know 31 isn't that old (or at least, I thought it wasn't), but I feel like I must be way behind in some life stage, because people my age and older just don't appear to be involved in anything I do. Actually, I think they're all married with kids and too busy for activism and social lives ... so maybe this isn't an unrelated rant after all.)

Obviously, many good things came out of the feminist movement - in addition to legal rights and protections, there was a breaking of the traditional bounds that defined "a woman's place." But were those bounds broken, or just moved to an equally limited field? Some of the backlash among women around feminism is that it didn't expand the bounds to include both old and new roles for women, it just rejected the old in favor of the new - and rejected the women who valued and enjoyed those old roles as unworthy of attention or respect.

This hit home to me a few years ago, when I mentioned to my then-boyfriend that I'd like to stay home with my kids, at least in their early years and maybe for longer. While I wanted to maintain a connection to work and activities outside my home (whether paid or volunteer), I also looked forward to making a home for my family.

His response was less than enthusiastic. To him, women who wanted to stay at home were lazy, not wanting to pull their weight. They expected to be taken care of by a husband who had to work long and hard to provide for them. For en educated modern woman to desire such a thing was unthinkable, a waste. Interestingly, this sentiment came from a man whose own mother had stayed at home her whole life.

How did taking care of our families become less important than going to work for strangers? Why do we think it is so easy, and therefore worthless? Anyone who has been at home trying to watch kids, keep a clean house and make meals will tell you different; for crying out loud, I'm a single adult and can barely do those things for myself. And why are we told to put our relationships - all our relationships - on the back burner for people and things that will never care for and sustain us as much as our friends and family can?

Actually, my friend remarked that the bad bill of goods is worse than either-or; it's both-and. Women have to be stars at the office and in the bedroom; perfect corporate leaders and exceptional mothers. To fail at either is to fail at being a good woman ... but to succeed at both is practically impossible.

I know I'm not breaking any new ground with this post; people have been writing about all these issues for years. But as a young(ish) woman living with the results of the feminist movement, there are some parts of its legacy that I'd like to give back.