Build-up

I think I all of a sudden realized today that I've been stressed out for most of the year. I don't know why it hit me this particular day, and I could just be sad and tired from lack of sleep. The feeling will probably pass, but I'm not sure that's a good thing.

I posted a while ago about the challenges of being on depression meds. One of them is that it seems sometimes like I don't feel things much anymore, and significant events can pass by me without seeming to make much of a mark. I start to wonder if it's just that my meds allow me to more easily suppress whenever I feel bad, but the feelings are still kicking around in there somewhere.

The one that really surprised me was when I broke up with my last boyfriend. I was sure something was wrong with me that I could end a 3-year relationship without being too broken up about it. I was angry and confused by how it ended, but I didn't cry too much. (And I'm definitely a crier.) We all assumed that I must just be super well-adjusted and accepting of God's will.

What's odd now is that I've really been feeling it since January - 9 months after the fact. I was watching an episode of Scrubs last night, dealing with grief; maybe I'm in the depression stage. If so, denial, anger and bargaining went by pretty quick, and depression is taking its bloody sweet time moving on to acceptance, seeing as it's August and I'm still in it.

But this isn't really about my ex-boyfriend; that's just how the year started. Since then, it's been stress at work, stress in my volunteer group, stressful travel, a summer without a break, and a look ahead to a full fall. Many things have gone well, don't get me wrong; I have a good life and I'm very fortunate. But I feel like I have an internal tangle I haven't dealt with, and I can't get a hold on what's upsetting me. It's not like I want to live in the heady days of depression when life was an emotional roller coaster and nightly crying was normal. But I feel out of touch with myself, and that's weird.

It could be birthday trauma, too. 31 is worse than 30, and I feel really old and past my prime this year. I feel particularly unmarried and childless, and behind the curve professionally and educationally. I feel plodding, settled, unattractive, uninteresting, almost out of the newness that makes my talents seem exciting to others. When the novelty of my ideas and ambition wears off, I'm afraid I'm rather boring and ordinary.

On the other hand, maybe I'm just having a really bad day. Ach, who knows?