A bad Lent

I am having a very, very crabby day, mostly because I finally came face-to-face with the fact that I wasted my Lent in disobedience. Much crying ensued during the noon service, which didn't set a great tone for my afternoon and evening.

So my Lent resolution was to give up dating in thought and practice - no online sites, so trying to get the attention of guys at school or church or elsewhere, no flirting, no fantasizing, nada. This was supposed to be my time to take a break from my constant search for a man to complete my life, so that I could recognize that I am only complete in Christ.

It was hard for me to decide to do this at first, because a little flirtation with a friend seemed to be starting, and I wanted to enjoy it. In fact, when this idea came into my head, I recoiled from it like a shot ... which was how I knew this was an important topic to commit to. So I made the resolution; but it's become painfully clear as we approach the end of Lent (and honestly, well before that, if I'd been willing to admit it) that I never kept this commitment in my heart.

I still held on to the little flirtation with my friend. Maybe I didn't actively flirt; but I was always checking to see if he was online to talk, or if I could drop by for a visit. I welcomed it when we would kiss or cuddle on the couch, all the while pretending to tell myself that it didn't mean anything and I was just treating him as a friend. I found excuses to stay the night and cuddle, and got disappointed and irritated when he didn't pay enough special attention to me.

This particular friend wasn't the only problem. With other men I knew, I indulged in inappropriate fantasies, and seeking to spend a little extra time with them. When I was out in a club, instead of just enjoying the music and dancing and the company of my girlfriend, I was jealous and bitter because she got all the attention from the men in the bar and I didn't. All the time, I was still doing the thing that I had set out not to do during Lent: making my enjoyment of a situation and my sense of value dependent on the attentions of men, and letting that pursuit of attention consume my thoughts.

Sadly, this realization wasn't prompted by a sense of my own sin; it was prompted by extreme disappointment when I realized that my flirty friend had no interest in me beyond that. SO I did what I normally do: I got aloof and irritable and started imagining all sort of situations where I could give him the cold shoulder. And then I got to church, and I realized what I'd been doing all the morning, and all the six weeks before ... and finally, my failure to keep my promise to God became real to me.

I couldn't quite ask forgiveness this afternoon, because I am just so ashamed of this constant, willful pattern in my life that I never seem to have the discipline to break. The worst part is that God would forgive me, because I will just take advantage of His grace to sin some more. I feel like I can't keep asking Him to forgive me over and over again, when my supposed repentance is so fleeting.