Blah

So I just realized today that I am bored - depressingly, mind-numbingly bored with my life. Nothing seems all that exciting in my life, I feel like most of the stuff I have to do every day is a chore, and I rarely do anything really, unreservedly fun. It's tiring, looking around at everything and just seeing blah.

Of course, the diagnostically-minded might see this not as depressing boredom, but just plain old depression. I can't necessarily disagree with them - there's a whole family thing around why my sister did not end up staying in Massachusetts that was quite the drama, and resulted in a lot of relational disruption and realignment. I haven't written on here in so long because I'm not even sure where to begin writing about that, and writing about anything else was like ignoring the giant pink elephant in my room. Or there's my job, where I think I'm spending as little time as possible because I am running much more on duty than inspiration or passion, and so I feel like I'm slacking off and letting down all these people who invested in this idea - and in me. And then (speaking of the word "menopause," which my phone auto-suggests every time I type "me"), let's not even get into the fact that I feel old and dried up at turning 31, with no one to date, hardly any interest in finding a date, wasting my eggs, and totally likely to end up a spinster cat lady. But thank God for my cats - without their company, I'd be depressed for real.

Isn't that sad? I'm counting on my cats for companionship. And what is wrong with me?? I'm like a poor little rich girl throwing a pity party for one because my life isn't a bundle of chuckles and I'm not the belle of all the balls. I get irritated just listening to myself; I can't imagine how I sound to everyone else.

Are we really back to this? Depression, increasing self-isolation, diminishing relationships? Everyone around me seemed to dislike that person intensely, or at least not be able to tolerate her for that long. (Great, now I'm starting to cry, how pathetic.) I am right on that edge of hating myself and the way that I am, while also wishing that someone would just love me for exactly who I am.

Which makes me think that, yes, I've lost focus on my work and my personal life, but mostly because I keep losing focus on God. I learned all of this stuff this summer about misplacing my sense of worth and value in the affirmation of other people instead of depending on the Lord - but when was the last time I really spent time with him, in prayer or in Scripture? When was the last time I set foot in church for 2 weeks consecutively - or even 2 weeks in the same month? Although that just makes me feel like there's yet one more area where I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. Do I ever get to just be sad, or lonely, without having to come up with the perfect Christian response?

Well, I guess so, seeing as "everything is permissible" ... but not everything is beneficial, now is it? I guess, like I keep telling my mom and sister, how I respond to all this is my choice, and I should choose the reactions that lead to the place where I want to be. And I do want to be close to God, and at peace, and not depressed and dissatisfied. I just wish that it all came a little more naturally.