Conviction

So, I started writing that thing as a sermon-inspired rant against the "good teacher" theory - and then I ended up convicting myself.

Truth in advertising: I do not live like Jesus did. I do not actually follow all the things I started saying toward the end of that last post. I say that I believe Jesus and that I trust God, but I do not believe enough to take them at their word.

Rationales for why I don't have to literally follow Jesus's teaching:

• Look, I am already trying to do good work with my life. I chose my job to be able to change the design and planning professions so that they are more fair and benefiting people equally and not catering to the elitist, money-driven centers of power that our society is currently organized around. Plus, I'm part of the leadership team of things like the Boston Faith and Justice Network or Common Boston. I give a significant portion of my income away. I am doing good work for God where I am. Not everyone is called to leave their home and family and give up everything.
• I do need clothes, and an apartment, and food, and even some of my electronics like a computer or cell phone. These things enable me to do the good stuff I am trying to do. If I lived on the street, or in some horrid vermin infested apartment, and had only thrift store clothes, or had no access to email, I couldn't do what I do or ever be taken seriously in the real world.
• I cannot spend my life going around talking about God to everyone. I just can't. I'd be fired. I'd be ignored. I'd make everyone uncomfortable and they'd never want to be around me. I have to be realistic. I have much more influence when I try to bring these things in subtly through the work that I do, or just let my work speak for me and not have to talk about the religious motivation behind it. People will recognize and appreciate the good work more than my preaching.
  
• Also, it's worth noting that clothing and a good job and a good home and friends are not bad things to want. These are good things. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to have them. I shouldn't feel guilty for trying to make sure that my needs are met as well as everyone else's.
• Following Jesus is not about pursuing some nonsensical, fundamentalist, literalist model of doing exactly what's in the Bible. We have to look at Scripture and understand what it means for our lives now, in the modern world. We have to try and interpret things based on where God has placed us. The living out of Scriptural truth will look different for different people.
  

Reasonable people, Christian people, people that I trust, would tell me that all of these things are valid and right. They make sense. They are intelligent, rational ways to look at my faith.

But what if I think that they are all a cover for not having to really obey, a place to hide so that I don't have to go too far for Christ? None of these rationales has anything to do with what Jesus put forth about the truth and the purpose of life. All of them are about keeping me comfortable in the world I live in.

I think these rationales are wrong. But I am afraid that sweeping them aside will be just as wrong, and foolish to boot, throwing away everything I have right now. I am afraid that I am following some silly idea about Christianity that has nothing to do with reality. I am afraid that I am going to extremes because that is just my nature, to take things literally, to see in black and white.

But if I take my faith literally, if I take Jesus literally, I honestly think that I am called to ignore all of that reasoning and be willing to give up - forget be willing, to give up everything about my position and my possessions to do the work that He has for me. What do I do? How do I know what is right, and what is my terrible misunderstanding?

How do I know the Lord's call?